The big premiere started with exotic images of Guatemala. Ooh! So entrancing! And just in case we weren't sure how entrancing and mysterious Guatemala is, Mark Burnett was sure to overload us with as much lingering fog as he could possibly cram into a ten second segment. Soon, we came upon Jeff Probst who stood amongst ancient ruins with his typically proud smirk. "These ruins are a monument to a once powerful and sophisticated civilization: The Mayans," he said, adding, "And now I will desecrate them like so many white people before me."

Okay, Probst didn't say that, but he did give us a brief history lesson on the Mayans, concluding, "The Maya Tribe thrived and then mysteriously vanished." And wouldn't you if you realized your architectural triumphs would someday be used as the backdrop for a reality show?

Nevertheless, we then caught up with our new survivors who were presently walking through the jungle. Hey, what happened to the usual jump-off-the-boat montage? Worst Survivor opening EVER! Luckily, the wildlife footage was as thrilling as ever as we saw a scorpion attacking a giant spider. You know that Mark Burnett jizzed himself when he saw that. Are scorpions the new go-to critters to start the show? Surely we can't lose the sight of crabs scampering on a beach? Man, this new season has really jumped the shark.

Well, after Probst yelled "Thirty-nine days, eighteen people, ONE SURVIVOR!!!!" from atop a Mayan temple (does the winner get to rule an ancient civilization?), we then watched the opening credits and returned to our hikers who were still trekking through the Guatemalan jungle. Look, there's the tall guy from the NFL. And there's a cute, actress type. And another. And another. Oh, and hey! It's Artie Lang! Oh wait, no, it was just Judd.

Anyway, the contestants all reached some Mayan ruins where Jeff Probst eagerly awaited. He said that each tribe would get some basic Mayan tools, as well as one former Survivor star. A brief tremor of fear pulsated through my body as I half expected Rupert to appear out of nowhere and let loose one of his signature (READ: annoying) growls. Luckily, Rupe was nowhere to be found. Instead, Pulau's favorite set of losers, Bobby Jon and Stephenie, appeared atop the ruins and awkwardly descended down to their new tribes. Yes, these were the tools Jeff spoke of, and it's really too bad I like them so much because otherwise this would have been ground zero for any number of "tool" jokes. Still might happen. I'm a bit tired as I write this though, so unfortunately, my highest level of wit would be, "Bobby Jon's a tool!" As you can see, not my best work.

Well, Stephenie joined the Yaxha tribe (pronounced "Ya-SHAH!"), much to the delight of Ivy League student Brian who could barely contain his excitement. Brian LOVES Stephenie! Bobby Jon, meanwhile, was sent to Nakum where the abs-tastic Danni commented, "A man is just stronger than a woman is." Meanwhile, Gloria Steinhem is bleeding from her ears.

Danni may have liked Bobby Jon, but not everyone was such a fan. Brandon, the creepy farmer guy who may or may not have killed a family of four earlier that day, noted that BJ was kind of, well, "dumb." Hey now. Just because Bobby Jon is a little rough around the edges and just because he tends to literally beat himself up over failures and just because he enjoys the occasional snot rocket doesn't mean that Bobby Jon is dumb. Just caveman-ish.

Anyway, with both tribes newly assembled, Probst revealed the first challenge: an eleven mile race through the jungle. Listen, Mark Burnett. We know you love your Eco-Challenge, but these poor people aren't equipped for this madness. Whatever happened to the simple days of swimming out to pontoons on the water? Nevertheless, Jeffy detailed all the hardships these people would have to face -- poisonous snakes, scorpions, crocodiles, not to mention the dense terrain. Honestly, I was already exhausted, and the race hadn't even started yet (and I was sitting on a couch).

Well, Jeff did his little "Survivors ready? GO!" thing with his arms and everyone went scampering for some supplies. Literally, Judd was already drenched in sweat after twenty feet. This was gonna get nasty. Brandon, meanwhile, may have looked like a creepy (or creepier) version of Tim Blake Nelson, but that didn't stop him from being the first player to show a sense of humor: "Last time I took an eleven mile hike was, oh, NEVER." And Brandon takes the lead as my favorite Survivor (a title previously held by Lydia, solely for her squat, peppy appearance).

Posted by B-side on September 20, 2005 12:56 PM