Anyway, the two tribes hit the jungle which meant huge opportunities for wildlife cutaways. My early fave was watching a bunch of ants march around with giant leaves. It was fairly metaphorical. Plus, it looked cool. Anyway, like a hapless ant that had dropped its leaf, Yaxha found itself trailing relatively early on. Somewhere around here we met Rafe (not to be confused with Ralph Fiennes) who spoke in a soft, hippy voice that was the utter definition of the word "pansy." Lo and behold, he was a wilderness guide. Of course. How could I have thought he was anything else? I guess his vaguely Woody Allen-ish appearance had me thinking that maybe he was just a neurotic filmmaker.

We also met the tall Gary who played in the NFL for eleven years; although, he's not going to tell anyone that little secret. To the campers, he's just Gary Hawkins the landscaper. "If somebody does recognize me, I'm just gonna say... that's not me." Good plan, Gary! Good plan!

Anyway, Gary may have been "a landscaper" but he sure stepped up to lead the group. Almost like... a quarterback would. Cut to Gary calling audibles and passing the compass for fifty yards.

Meanwhile, over on Nakum, the survivors were trekking through the underbrush with newfound enthusiasm. Judd in particular was feeling full of brio as he pushed through the thicket: "Here I come, baby! Coming full force at ya!" Yes. I'm sure those plants were really intimidated.

Actually, maybe Judd was onto something. Turns out the plants were pretty dangerous as Blake quickly found out when a thorny branch snapped over his shoulder. "Thorny branch?" you say. Yes. When I say thorny, I mean this piece of wood was like the shark of trees. It made medieval torture objects look like loofa sponges. Luckily nurse practitioner Margaret was on hand to save the day as she plucked the thorns from Blake's injured shoulder. If ever there was a season to have a nurse on hand, this would be it. You know, the one time I met Jeff Probst, he said I should be on Survivor. This is exactly why I told him NEVER.

Eventually, night fell on our exhausted hikers, and with no light, the compass was rendered useless. So what else to do but set up camp and go to sleep? Here's the thing. I would already be freaking out to simply walk through the Guatemalan jungle during the day (scorpions, snakes, spiders the size of tennis balls), but I say hell to the no for SLEEPING in it! I mean, yeah, the idea of entering a world of slumber while monkeys dance above your head sounds all whimsical or fun, but I would be petrified. These people are officially nuts. And by the way, I hope the poor cameramen get paid a handsome amount.

Well, turns out going to sleep wasn't the easiest thing of all. First off, Blake quickly devolved into a vomiting mess as he reeled from the pain of those thorns. And just in case we couldn't imagine well enough what an old-fashioned barf sounded like, the producers were sure to ratchet up the sound effects so we could hear what sounded like Roger Ebert purging a gallon of milk. Needless to say, it was lovely.

Amy, meanwhile, explained to us that she kept hearing noises that reminded her of Predator. Yes, because I'm sure there's an alien stalking them in the jungle right now. Oddly enough, the next day Cindy had another cinematic comparison: "It's like the movie Seabiscuit." Except, you know, without the horses and Tobey Maguire and stuff. So basically, this season of Survivor is a mix of Predator and Seabiscuit. Worst movie EVER. Or actually... maybe it's the best.

Anyway, the thankless trek continued in the morning, and as both tribes caught up with each other, the race became more intense. That is, until slowpoke Lydia caused her tribe to slow down to a snail's pace. If it was any consolation though, Nakum was hampered too. Out of nowhere, a dehydrated Bobby Jon suddenly felt cold as ice and cramped up. Again, goddess Margaret saved him, and again, I remembered why I would never try out for this show.

Despite this setback, Nakum still reached their canoe first (the final part of the journey) and paddled out across a lake or a river or whatever to their destination. Once they arrived, Judd had a "premature evacuation" (as Brandon called it) and jumped into some mud where he sloshed around for a few minutes. I really didn't want to make a Judd/piggy reference, but seriously, he makes it too easy...

As for the Bobby Jon Cramp Update: the alert level was at red. The poor guy literally could not even move his legs, which was why it was so nice of his tribe mates to simply watch as he struggled out of the canoe. Nevertheless, he did eventually overcome the cramping, and the team surged towards the finish line where -- what the? -- Jeff Probst was already waiting. He was already there?? Are you saying there was a faster, easier way to get to this place? Not fair!

Posted by B-side on September 20, 2005 12:56 PM