Boot and Rally - 
by B-side
Well, since Nakum arrived first, they won the nicer campgrounds located in (archeologists, anthropologists -- close your ears) Mayan ruins. Ah yes. A fitting tribute to a once great civilization. After the commercial break, we finally got to see those favorite Survivor traditions: building the shelter, getting the water, etc. Unfortunately, since we'd spent so much time on the damn hike, we didn't get to see those most beloved of pastimes: people trying to start a fire and everyone giving the lazy girl passive-aggressive glares. Instead, it was Rah Rah Rah! in Guatemala. Stephenie exulted: "Finally, I'm on a tribe that's got as much heart and determination as me!" Yeah, that's the way everyone's like on the first day. I give Stephenie seven days before she's hating on her group. Ah, but she wasn't alone in her optimism. "All we had left was, you know, this Yaxha spirit!" said Rafe happily. Go back to Brat Camp, Mountain Wind.
And then the sequence that had America twittering (or booting) Friday morning: the Survivor: Guatemala Tournament of Vomit! Yes, over on Nakum, everyone was booting. Well, not so much everyone. Pretty much just the guys. Or actually, just Blake, Jim, Bobby Jon, and Judd. Either way, four guys throwing up was about four times as much as anyone else on network TV this week; so it was pretty impressive. I don't know if I need to describe this bile-filled scene, but needless to say, imagine the last time you barfed. Now imagine it louder and on your TV. Yeah, that's what it was like.
Meanwhile, Bobby Jon continued to struggle with dehydration, and as he lay on the ground on what could have been his deathbed, his eyes actually rolled back into his head. You know what? He doesn't need water. He needs an exorcism. Luckily, Mother Theresa, I mean, Margaret was able to help him out, and just when we thought things were getting better, BAM! More vomiting. I think I need to put a tarp around my television.
Once the always welcomed boot montage had run its course, we then moved onto the immunity challenge, which was more of the traditional, paddle in a boat and carry heavy things variety. Basically, the tribes had to hop in boats, paddle out around a buoy, return to the beach, and then haul the boat up to a certain point on the beach using ancient Mayan techniques. Yada yada yada... first tribe to light their fire wins immunity.
Well, the first part of the challenge went on without incident, but once those boats came back ashore, man, it was just painful to watch. First the boat rolled over Stephenie's foot. Then Margaret got hit in the gut. Then Dannie took a nasty spill and got caught under a log. Then Cindy's foot got caught under a log. Then Jim's biceps snapped. Okay, who doesn't get hurt on this season? I already have about ten bruises just from watching these people.
In the end, Stephenie's Yaxha won immunity, meaning that for the first time, the former Ulong member would not have to go to Tribal Council (yes, there were tears). Bobby Jon, meanwhile, took the loss hard and punched himself in the face. Hey Bobby Jon? Why you punching yourself? Why you punching yourself?
As for Jim, well, let's just say a snapped biceps is not what I call a savory injury. The old guy was sidelined in a makeshift sling, and even though he had the aid of Jesus-ette, a.k.a. Margaret, not even a nurse could make a biceps magically repair itself. Judd, however, had rebounded from his earlier hurling as he announced, "I'm really starting to adapt to this jungle. Jungle Judd!" Hmmm... I was gonna suggest "Jackass Judd", but I guess Jungle Judd works too.
Later, the girls of Nakum talked about all the ailing guys, which was amusing, but seriously, this was just a lame attempt to create some misdirection and suspense. If Ulong dumped muscle-clad Jeff with his ankle, there's no way Nakum's gonna keep Jim -- the old guy with the gimpy arm in a SLING.
Finally, it was time for Tribal Council -- also known as "Go F*ck Yourselves, Archeologists!" Yes, this season's TC was held amidst even more Mayan ruins, which were beautifully lit with various torches and candles and the radiance of Mark Burnett's power. It wasn't a particularly compelling elimination, and for the most part, it felt like Jeffy was mailing in his performance. There was a brief moment of testiness though when Probst asked Judd if he thought he was in trouble once he began throwing up. "Not at all," replied Judd, "I mean, I was only on my back for like an hour at most. I mean, I got right over it. I puked, and I got up, and I went and do [sic] what I had to do. I mean, I don't know what to tell you. I'm ready to do a backflip if you want me to. I mean, I feel great!"
"Wow, I just asked a simple question!" responded a smiling but testy Jeff. Chuckles were had by all, but honestly, had Jeff not been so sullen that night, Judd certainly would have received quite bashing from Jeffy-Boy.
Well, eventually it was time to vote, and this was a no-brainer. Everyone picked Jim across the board (we didn't even see anyone's parchment because it was such an obvious blowout). The old guy happily had his torch snuffed out and so ended this first episode of Survivor: Guatemala. It wasn't great. It wasn't terrible. We'll just have to see how it develops. I did enjoy Jim's message from his wife though. That was worth the price of admission.
What did you think?
Previous page | 1 | 2 | 3 ( Comments ) | Discuss In Our Forums
Comments
Bobby John the Baptist is just a loser all around. So many excuses why he can't perform. I hope his tribe votes him off first.
Posted by: tuliplovr | September 20, 2005 1:13 PM(#1 of 35)
I kind of like the Steph/BJ twist, but I think it would have been better to bring back the two who were never officially voted off last year (Crazy Song Lady and Premature Evacuation Guy). It somehow seems unfair. This is not Survivor All-Stars.
Alternatively, if you are going to bring back real players, the time to do it would be the second installment of the season. I'm not sure of the timing, but I would think you could start shooting the second installment (i.e., the February-May verson) before the fall verson airs. That way, the constants would not KNOW that there are former contestants in their midst. That would be more interesting, I think.
Posted by: Brian | September 20, 2005 1:18 PM(#2 of 35)
Excellent! Well worth the wait. I don't care what ayone says about Bobby Jon, I love him and am thrilled he is back. Over at cbs.com they have a blog they are calling survivors strike back where previous contestants put in their 2 cents about this season. It's pretty good, but has got nothing on our TVgasm.
Posted by: Victoria | September 20, 2005 1:22 PM(#3 of 35)
rafe, the wilderness guide, sits back and lets gary, the quarterback/landscaper, plot their course through the jungle. way to step up, mighty wind. let's hope one of the competitions is a game of flag-football, so gary can let rafe run the two-minute offense.
Posted by: copygodd | September 20, 2005 1:23 PM(#4 of 35)
Gary barfing on a passing monkey: priceless. make it happen, Burnett.
Best Season Evah!
"...that was the utter definition of the word pansy" um...you know Rafe's gay right.
I would have laughed so hard if Brandon (the dumb hick) was like "Bad Thorn Branch" and stepped on it. :)
Posted by: tv freak | September 20, 2005 1:24 PM(#5 of 35)
LOVED, LOVED, LOVED the video from Jim's wife...straight from an SNL skit. Wow. Imagine the mad, sweaty monkey love that Jim gets from his S & H Green Stamp-collecting, Reader’s Digest-hoarding, doily-making wife.
Posted by: HicksPub | September 20, 2005 1:35 PM(#6 of 35)
Brian may LOVE Stephenie, but he also apparently loves dick.
Posted by: Papercuts! | September 20, 2005 1:44 PM(#7 of 35)
dag, b-side, you might have been tired when you wrote this, but you were hitting on all cylinders. there's about six spit-my-coffee-on-the-keyboard worthy zingers in this recap, and i wasn't even expecting much since the majority of the episode was a barf-o-rama. 'go back to brat camp, mountain'--that's good stuff.
so, i get why everybody's so happy to have margaret the nurse on their team, but i'm wondering: i she's so durn wonderful, wouldn't she have had enough sense to make sure these guys were drinking enough water BEFORE they were all on the edge of death? obviously, somebody on the other team must have done this, since nary a one even got a cramp. margaret better start specializing in preventative medicine, or else it's going to be another koror-style rout.
as for steph and bobby jon--no big surprise there. but i don't see either of them making it too far unless they start scheming pronto. steph probably has sense enough to build herself a solid alliance that will get her to the merge, but bobby jon might be a little too kind and decent to avoid being an early target once they feel like they can do without his brawn.
Posted by: jack | September 20, 2005 2:22 PM(#8 of 35)
I still think Jim looks like Rev. Kane from Poltergeist II.
Posted by: Papercuts! | September 20, 2005 2:26 PM(#9 of 35)
Seriously. Check it out.
http://home.comcast.net/~mlpaul/polt/kane5.jpg
Posted by: Papercuts! | September 20, 2005 2:30 PM(#10 of 35)
Strange that the Mayans "mysteriously vanished", since some 30% of the population of Guatemala is...Mayan. F*ck anthropology too...
Posted by: BigMax | September 20, 2005 2:43 PM(#11 of 35)
Whew, it was a good thing I came here while I was waiting for my pizza. Now I'm thinking that watching my tape of Survivor over dinner isn't that great of an idea...
Posted by: laska | September 20, 2005 2:51 PM(#12 of 35)
Wait til they sacrifice a virgin and cut her heart out......
Best line was the doorman guy -- " I never even went camping.. "
Posted by: Mike | September 20, 2005 3:53 PM(#13 of 35)
BJ is a moron. There is no way he isnt going to get voted out. Like all-stars people with an advantage will be booted. Staph may just be able to manipulate a few people but BJ has no hope....
Great Recap. Yes. Margaret is going to be quite the matyr aint she?
Posted by: Tempest | September 20, 2005 5:11 PM(#14 of 35)
Speaking of Margaret -- did anyone else notice that at one point she gave someone who was puking a cup of water with lemon in it?? I thought lemons were a diuretic -- makes your body rid itself of fluid -- why would you give a dehydrated person water with lemon? Hmmmmmm.............
Posted by: too freakin funny | September 20, 2005 5:42 PM(#15 of 35)
B, you're killing me with this recap! Laughing so hard I am afraid I will wake my daughter. This is going to be a great recap season-can't wait!
Posted by: joslyn | September 20, 2005 9:06 PM(#16 of 35)
I wikipedia'ed lemons and there was no mention of diuretic properties. I've never ever heard that about lemons. Tea, coffee, cocoa and alcohol, but not lemons.
Posted by: Lady J | September 20, 2005 9:36 PM(#17 of 35)
Where did they even get the lemon? Are they indigenous to Guatemala? Sorry, I don't think about something that grows in my backyard as growing in the tropics.
Posted by: Victoria | September 20, 2005 10:20 PM(#18 of 35)
#18--Citrus is a tropical phenomenon...
Posted by: Bobbie | September 21, 2005 4:45 AM(#19 of 35)
Every time the commercial for this week's episode comes on, I collapse into a fit of giggles at BJ's ROOOOOOOOARRRRR!!!!!
Can't wait!
(P.S. In my company's Survivor pool, I got stuck with Rafe. I don't think I'm gonna win the free lunch. *sob*)
Posted by: Jess | September 21, 2005 5:40 AM(#20 of 35)
Watching the 11 mile hike ont this episode got me to thinking, are the cameramen lugging the cameras on the 11 mile hike with the Srurvivors? Or are the strategically placed along the route? Surely, the cameramen can't carry all the equpiment over 11 miles? Any ideas?
Posted by: SaveFerris | September 21, 2005 6:47 AM(#21 of 35)
Lady J,
Ascorbic acid (Vitamin C) is the diuretic, not the lemon itself.
Posted by: J-Unit | September 21, 2005 7:00 AM(#22 of 35)
#21 - I was also totally thinking about the crew during that hike. I am guessing they tag-team styled in after a mile or two. And I am guessing that somewhere in the map/compass that they got, there was a gps chip so they could never get really lost. That way the crew could always find them as well.
Previews for this weeks ep look great. BJ is starting to look scary, you think he would have gained weight before coming back on the show.
Posted by: carol | September 21, 2005 9:12 AM(#23 of 35)
Oh, poor, sweet, retarded Bobby Jon. My friend predicted at minute 1 that you would burn out after an hour in the jungle.
Every time I hear Stephenie's tribe name, I think of the great Karen Black film, Trilogy of Terror. For some reason, it reminds me of that little idol that tries to kill her.
Posted by: Tootie | September 21, 2005 9:40 AM(#24 of 35)
B-Side on Survivor - genious! Lugging his laptop through the jungle so he could recap the events as they are happening. Then that wouldn't be a recap, that would be a cap??.. Anyway, B-Side braving the elements while making snarky remarks to the cameras, causing the cameramen to lose control and roll down the hill. I can see it now, B-Side at the campfire, doing stand-up while some wannabe actress crisps the grasshoppers. Oh, make it happen, Mark Burnett, please make it happen!
Posted by: TV-Eyes | September 21, 2005 10:24 AM(#25 of 35)
Ooops...Genius, not genious...who's the genius now??
Posted by: TV-Eyes | September 21, 2005 10:25 AM(#26 of 35)
Am I the only one that gets fits of giggles when I see that pic of Bobby Jon laying on the ground?! Does that make me a bad person?! heehee
Posted by: Bevin | September 21, 2005 10:47 AM(#27 of 35)
Thanks for the great recap! I think I like these better than the show. *Drooling for the next one*
Posted by: bigdog | September 21, 2005 10:59 AM(#28 of 35)
I was afraid they were going to bring in Rob and Amber as the former survivors! If they had I'm sure I would have - well - vomited!
Posted by: Akaidah | September 21, 2005 11:15 AM(#29 of 35)
At least they won't get scurvy.
Posted by: Victoria | September 21, 2005 12:07 PM(#30 of 35)
Who the hell was Lydia???
Posted by: Copycat | September 21, 2005 12:48 PM(#31 of 35)
"Judd in particular was feeling full of brio..."
Awesome, you just helped me finish my crossword puzzle. thanks!
Posted by: sg-dub | September 21, 2005 1:02 PM(#32 of 35)
I think "too much vomit", that's what I think.
/not a Vomit Fan
And funny, funny recap, thanks!
Posted by: Amber | September 21, 2005 1:24 PM(#33 of 35)
interesting note -- at first, when they announced the cast, Rafe was listed as "Ivy League Grad" just like Brian...suddenly it switched to Wilderness Guide once the show started. Hmmm....
Also, I love how poor little Lydia was lagging behind and then you see why -- she's like 4 feet tall and someone decided she should carry the giant awkward pole!
Posted by: fycin | September 21, 2005 7:29 PM(#34 of 35)
Papercuts!, (#7), Brian is a meterosexual.
Posted by: tv freak | September 22, 2005 10:03 AM(#35 of 35)