NFL Blitz? - 
by B-side
Everyone was lying on the latest episode of Survivor: Guatemala, and yet no one was scheming. It's the darnest thing. This season has yet to really get off the ground (might be too late at this point), and despite a colorful cast of characters, no one seems willing to really scheme. I place the blame on our sad minority alliance that's done nothing but quietly wait for their numbers to dwindle. On a great season, there's always that one mischievous bastard (or bastardette, if you will) who will stop at nothing to turn the groups upside down. Who can ever forget when Kathy from Marquesas brought Paschal and Neleh over to her alliance, stunning John with a surprise ouster? Or how about Amazon's Rob Cesternino who basically orchestrated a coup every single episode? Even Jenn from last season managed to turn Ian and Tom against each other (a luck-of-the-draw tie-breaker challenge backfired on her though). On Survivor, when you're down, you're only out if you let yourself be out, and sadly, such has been the case for the shrinking alliance of Danni, Gary, Bobby Jon, and the now eliminated Brandon. C'mon, people! Scheme! Just a little! Now, if only I could get my urgings to go back in time and somehow make it to Guatemala. We can do a lot of things at TVgasm, but that might be beyond our scope. I think...
Anyway, as you may remember from the previous Survivor, there was quite the dustup at Tribal Council when Bobby Jon called Jamie classless. Well, just because Jamie's classless doesn't mean that BJ can just go and say that! When the Xhakum tribe (or however you spell it) returned to their humble camp, Jamie lit into Bobby Jon once again, refuting the notion that he was classless. Poor Rafe tried to play peacekeeper by quietly suggesting, "Let's just take tonight and sleep." This was then followed by a nervous laugh and any other mannerisms you'd expect a gay Woody Allen to have. Still, despite Rafe's pacifist pleas, Jamie would not let it go. And worse, he was no carrying on that his feelings had been hurt. "That was just because that's how I felt at that moment," Bobby Jon said, trying to explain his accusation.
"It broke my heart, it did," Jamie replied. Awww. Poor Jamie. That "classless" remark really sparked something in him. Maybe he was verbally abused by a very classy father as a child. We then flashed back to Jamie's youth as we saw an old, patronly stiff yelling, "You have no class! I shan't be taking you to Picadilly Circus to wed Penelope. You are far too barbaric!" Young Jamie then ran away to Vienna where he rose from bootstrap to entrepreneur to eventually the toast of high society. But still, his father's words haunted him. And in Bobby Jon, he saw his past.
Aaaand scene. It should be noted, however, that Jamie's fictional father was played by Michael Gambon.
The next morning, the sun rose to the jazzy beat of Lydia mashing corn, and you know, I can think of no better way to wake up than to open my eyes and find my favorite fish monger making sweet music with the maize. Anyway, Bobby Jon, Danni, and Gary headed out into the jungle to hunt down that darned mini immunity idol, which meant we had to listen to some dumb story about how Gary once passed for three hundred yards in one quarter of a game against Detroit. Huh? I thought he was a landscaper!
Eventually, we headed out to the reward challenge which involved throwing an arrow with a... atladal? You know, I'm not even gonna look it up. I'm just that lazy. Feel free to correct me, anthropologists. Basically, this game was a mix between Jai Alai and archery. People had to throw an arrow and hit a target on the ground. The closest to a pole in the center of the bulls-eye would win first place in the reward. Now, here's the catch. The reward was for food, but everyone would be eating. You see, first place would get a sweet-ass steak and lobster dinner, and from there, the desirability of the meals would decline, leaving the person in last place with a craptastic culinary selection. Oh, and one more thing. The winner of the challenge would also receive a clue to the location of the hidden immunity idol. Very exciting...
Well, Judd was up first and right out of the gate, he had a solid throw as his arrow landed close to the bulls-eye. In one of the happy perks of this challenge, we then got to see Jeff scurry out to the arrow and pound a wooden post at its location. Wasn't there a PA around to take care of this? No one makes the Probst work!
Next up was Bobby Jon, who flung the arrow the way I'd expect Dakota Fanning to. Actually, she can probably fling an arrow quite well, seeing that she's a robot and all. Point is, Bobby Jon's throw was lame. Okay, I'm not going to detail everyone's throws because honestly, it's not terribly interesting to read about. I will say that I was surprised to see what looked like abs on Lydia (maybe she's spending too much time with ab-monster Danni), and I also have to say that considering he was an NFL quarterback (who threw 300 yards against the Lions in one quarter, DIDN'T YOU HEAR?), Gary really put in a pitiful showing with this challenge. Yeah, using an ancient Mayan device is not the same as passing a football, but if I feel like being irrational, so be it!
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