This week's episode began with the ominous sight of a volcano simmering with activity. Oooh, much like a restless tribe fermenting with paranoia! It works on so many levels. Still, as much as I like Mr. Volcano, he's nothing compared to our tireless friends, the leaf-bearing fire ants. Now those guys know how to open a show! (Actually, my all time favorite is the lone crab scuttling across the beach, but this season seems to be completely devoid of any such adorable crustaceans.) Speaking of adorable, that cute-as-a-button (and thin as one too) Danni greeted us with the sad declaration that her head was about to be chopped off. That is, unless she could shake things up. Odds that Danni can shake things up: 15-to-1. Seriously, she's just gone with the flow every week. Don't try to make us think you can pull this off. You'll only get me excited for an inevitable letdown.

Meanwhile, Lydia embraced the morning with an olfactory hallucination. She claimed that she could actually smell sausage and eggs in the air. (Note to Survivor camera crew: eat your breakfast NOT AT CAMP.) Judd had a perfectly reasonable explanation for the odors: "Well, if you smelt and eggs or sausage and eggs, it's probably Steph farting again; so it could be a little bit of a problem." Tasty!

"No, I went to the bathroom. No more gas," Steph reassured us.

"Yeah, usually when you get that egg smell first thing in the morning--" Judd said, trailing off. Hey, thanks for the forensic analysis, man. Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna be over here in the corner trying to purge the thought of Judd farts.

With camp life boring as ever (note the fart conversation), the survivors decided to spice things up with a good old-fashioned cartwheel exhibition. Judd kicked things off with a tumble so graceful that he was but a mere flowing ribbon away from rhythmic gymnastics. Who would have ever thought he'd be so nimble? Steph followed with her own nifty cartwheel while Cindy sat to the side, giving her now patented "I HATE YOU" glare. Has anyone actually ever talked to her before? I'm pretty sure no one knows her name. They probably think she's just a really dirty intern.

As the Cartwheel Expo 2005 continued, Danni told us that she wanted to break up the dominant alliance. She knew she could bring Lydia over. The key was somehow severing the tight bonds of everyone else. Sounds like a tough mission. Oh well, let's just sit back and have fun instead. Hey look! There's a giant doing flips! Oh wait, it's just Danni doing a cartwheel. Never mind.

Suddenly, with booming music playing over the soundtrack, we moved to the reward challenge which was our old favorite: the Survivor auction. Always a fun time, yes? I won't bore you with the details; let's just get started!

The first item up for bid was a tasty plate of beef jerky. Danni dropped some coin for the dish, and when she won it, Jeff went all Let's Make A Deal and gave her the option to trade up for some mysterious, covered item. Danni stuck to her guns though and kept her dried meats (who wouldn't!). So what was under that giant cover? Jeff unsheathed the plate to reveal a jar of UNCOOKED CORN! THE HORROR!!! Seriously, everyone recoiled as if he'd just produced a fresh plate of human eyeballs. He will do that one day, by the way. Mark my words.

Up next was a scrumptious offering of milk and cookies which Cindy happily purchased. And then came the individual mosquito net. Lydia managed to outbid Judd and Stephenie, and as she claimed the bounty from Probst, he commented, "Boy, you do have a lot of bites on that back. Wow!"

"You haven't seen nothin' yet!" Lydia said, patting her butt.

"Got it on the booty too?" Probst asked. Images I didn't want today: Lydia's bumpy, mosquito-ravaged ass.

Next up on the block was another covered item, but as we all know, Survivor always follows a crappy reward with an awesome one. As a result, a frenzied bidding war broke out with Danni and Rafe ultimately procuring the item for $180. And what was it? UNCOOKED CORN AGAIN!! GROSS!!!! Actually, no. Just kidding. It was a Philly steak sandwich with fries. Gosh, all these people have been eating. How long until Steph begs for a bite? She does deserve it after all.

For the next lot, Jeff offered up an envelope that enigmatically promised to be a huge helper for the upcoming immunity challenge. Everyone intensely bid on this cryptic item, but in the end, Danni won it. Unfortunately, she couldn't open the envelope until the immunity challenge; so in the meantime, Probst moved onto the next big item, which he noted was just around the corner. Hmmm... Could it be loved ones from home? Indeed it was! Yes, six happy, clean, and well-fed loved-ones appeared before our survivors, and before you could even say "Guatemala," everyone was crying. So who was there? Well, we had Rafe's sweet-looking mother, Lydia's long lost brother (they hadn't seen each other in two years. WTF?), Danni's awkwardly dorky brother, Judd's wife Kristen, Steph's so-Jersey-it-hurts boyfriend Mike, and Cindy's twin sister -- Mindy. Yes. Mindy and Cindy. I'll just let that percolate for a moment.

Posted by B-side on December 3, 2005 3:39 AM