As usual, the giant season finale kicked off with a wham-bam recap of the entire season so far. Now, as much as I enjoy everything meta, I'll refrain from recapping the recap, but I will say that this little segment was possibly more exciting than the entire season thus far. Nevertheless, ten minutes later, we finally returned to our survivors on Day 37 as birds chirped and monkey danced. Ah, the refreshing sound of optimism! How long until all the "Gosh, I'm in the final four!" revelations? If you answered three seconds, you'd be correct.

The self-congratulations and bewilderment kicked in immediately, with Lydia commenting, "I always felt like the odd man out!" Listen, Lyd. I love you as much as the next hobbit fan, but we all know your time has come. Let's not start thinking you're no longer the odd man/perfectly-coifed-lady out. Nevertheless, she continued: "Somebody's watching over me." Yes, it's the little known Mayan god of the fishmongers. Curiously, his name is Stan. Very pedestrian, I know. Those crazy Mayans!

As for Danni, she explained that she was très nervous to be in the final four. After all, she's a big Kansas State fan, and they've been in the Final Four (of NCAA basketball, not Survivor -- although that would certainly be interesting) four times in a row without success. Now the pressure was on for Danni to bring home a championship. I'm confused. Did Danni want to win an NCAA tournament? Would this be a one-woman basketball team? I smell a hilarious ABC Family Movie in the works! Tony Danza can be her coach!

Okay, obviously, Danny was not hoping to bring home a basketball championship (although, she was quite good at court-ball). No, she was talking about the big $1 million prize; something Rafe was also angling for. "It feels really good sitting here proud of every decision so far in the game," he told us. Hmmmm... might this be some foreshadowing to a heated jury interrogation? I sure hope so. You just know Rafe would crumble under the pressure.

Anyway, Lydia went off to get tree-mail and returned in such a rapture, I'm pretty sure she was speaking tongues. With the tribe all excited, our favorite fishmonger read the parchment which focused on the Mayan culture and all that fun stuff. "These ancestral grounds are still considered scared," Lydia said, amusing misreading "sacred." That would be pretty funny though if the lands were actually scared. You know the pyramids are all like, "Oh no. Jeff Probst is coming back! And that skinny girl with the abs is about to climb me. Help! Someone! Don't let this happen all over again!!"

Nevertheless, Lydia continued to read, eventually announcing, "The spirit and culture of the Maya is still alive, and now you are part of this history." To which the Mayan ancestors all rolled their eyes and moaned, "Great." A wonderful, legendary civilization, and now Judd puking is part of it.

Well, Lydia interpreted this entire tree mail as some sort of warning of impending celebration, but instead, the tribe was sent a bunch of locals to perform an ancient ritual. "They poured a whole bottle of honey on the fire," Steph explained, adding, "I'm like hello! Hello! We want the honey!" Yes, please halt this ancient, traditional, and meaningful ceremony so Steph can have a little honey. Later, the Maya brought out a chicken for sacrifice, but the perpetually hungry Steph asked, "We gonna get to eat that chicken?" So basically, she just wants to eat this entire ceremony. I'm surprised she didn't make a cannibalistic run for the locals.

Anyway, in a very Ted Nugent twist, the Maya then ripped the head off the chicken and threw it in the fire; although, Steph still wasn't sure if the poor bird was actually dead. You should have seen her confusion when she learned about guillotines. (A little guillotine humor for the Marie Antoinette fans out there. What's up, Jean-Jacques.) Later, Steph even had Lydia ask if they could eat the chicken, but unsurprisingly, she was denied. Note to Steph: gets some tapeworm tests when you get back to the U.S.

With this nifty "Learn from the natives -- those crazy, crazy natives!" segment over, the final four then headed off to the immunity challenge, which, by the way, was fairly insane looking. Basically, it was the most gi-normous maze of all time, all shaped in the image of an eagle. And because eagle layouts don't always come easily nature, it looked like Survivor was kind enough to chop down some trees in the process. Ecosystem schmecosystem.

Posted by B-side on December 12, 2005 12:07 AM