In general, Survivor seasons tend to alternate between good and bad, with a few exceptions. The first two iterations (Borneo, Outback) were great, but Africa faltered. Then we had the truly awesome (and overlooked) Marquesas followed by the dreadful Thailand. The rare back-to-back excellent seasons occurred with Amazon and Pearl Islands, but they were followed by back-to-back blah seasons (All-Stars and Vanuatu). Since then, we've had Pulau (great) and Guatemala (dull), which means based on the completely non-scientific pattern established, Exile should be solid. It certainly started off well, IMHO (as the kids say these days).

This twelfth season kicked off with the ominous sight of seagulls swirling in the sky. Perhaps they'd encountered the carnage of a shipwreck? Even worse: they'd encountered... EXILE ISLAND! Yes, from gulls to skulls and everything -ull sounding in between, Exile Island had it all. And even though his name doesn't rhyme with "lull," Jeff Probst was there too. Yes, in true Survivor fashion, we found our intrepid host in the wilderness, bellowing about the current season. "Thirty-nine days, eighteen people, ONE SURVIVOR!" he yelled as the camera pulled back to reveal him standing on a giant skull. You know, considering that skulls seem to be the theme of this season, couldn't the producers have come up with a scarier name for Exile Island? Maybe Island of Banished Souls? Island of Ill Repute? Island of Death? Okay, I suppose those are grandiose names, but Mark Burnett could have just taken some made-up tribal name like Cacavaxa and said "It means Island of Tortured SPIRITS!!!"

Anyway, for those of you wondering what this island is really like, just imagine a smaller, less King Kong-y version of Skull Island. Instead of giant apes and dinosaurs, Exile Island had worms and a quaint gathering of trees. So you see, the similarities were quite striking.

Well, after the opening credits, we soon found four boats speeding towards Exile Island (and no, an ominous fog did not enshroud them once they approached the general area). Excitement was in the air. Even all the creatures of the sea were eager to see the new survivors as a ray jumped out of the water. This pomp and circumstance was nice and everything, but I would have preferred the traditional Jeff Probst military convoy.

Anyway, the survivors finally disembarked at Exile Island and holy cow! What was that hair I just saw? Big, blond, mullet-y. Was Dog the Bounty Hunter on this season? That would be awesome. (Random question: whatever happened to Mad Dog from Outback. I'd like to see her and Dog have babies. Beautiful, hair-challenged babies).

Well, everyone lined up in front of Jeff, and wouldn't you know it, they were already pre-grouped. Four tribes this season (or at least, for this episode): younger men, younger women, older men, older women. At this point, older woman Cirie said, "Uh, I thought I was young." Ouch, that smarts. Sorry, Cirie. The reality gods have turned you into an old spinster (and at the age of 35, she's clearly an ancient relic. I guess Exile Island has one dinosaur after all. Oh yeah! High five!).

Oh, and for those of you wondering, alterna-names to the tribes have already been created, courtesy of Bobby. There's the young beefcake crowd (young men), Loveboat Crowd (older men), Golden Girls (older women. Including YOU, Cirie), and Spice Girls (younger women). You know, it seemed a lot more amusing in the context of the show.

Well, Jeff then explained the rules of Exile Island, and before anyone had a chance to digest this new twist, he then announced that the reward challenge would be starting right then. Winners would get flint while the losers would have to send someone to Exile Island. Or as Nelly would call it, EI.

"I was just pumped that we had a challenge right off the bat. I mean, that's my forte. That's my thing," said Danielle of the younger women. Okay, clearly she's going to fail in a major way. Gotta love cocky reality stars.

For the challenge, one teammate from each tribe had to run to the other end of Exile Island where he or she would find a pile of skulls (natch). Players would have to crack open the skulls until they found an amulet inside. First three tribe members to return to Probst with an amulet would win. Sounds simple enough. Let's get this shiznit started.

The players all lined up, and Probst did his little hand thing ("Survivors ready? GO!"). Everyone zipped off -- except younger guy Austin who tripped on what seemed to be a blade of grass. He soon rebounded and was right in there, crushing skulls with the rest of 'em. The old guys finished first, followed by the young dudes. Now it was down to the two women tribes. Looked like Danielle had the lead, which would make sense since this was her forte and everything. But in the end, Ruth Marie from the older ladies 'rounded the corner first, which meant those young lasses had to send someone to (booming, echoey voice) EXILE ISLAND!

Posted by B-side on February 5, 2006 2:46 PM