"I've been within 200 miles of this spot many times," Dan said. Wait for it. Wait for it. "Vertically!" he added with a goofy smile. Oh Dan. You are hilarious. That astronaut bit is... OUT OF THIS WORLD!! See, we can all be like Dan!

While Dan cracked funnies (not really), Sally quietly looked for ways to break up the boys' alliance. She didn't think the "All man's club" could last forever, and it certainly wouldn't endure as long as they thought it would. I agreed, but I also didn't see how Sally was ever going to break it, especially since her favorite method of ingratiating herself seemed to consist of chucking fishing spears into the ocean. And if there's any tribe that needed that spear, it was La Mina. Poor Austin was reduced to plucking tiny, tiny fish from tidal pools. Any smaller, and he would have been poking around for Sea-Monkeys.

Later, Dan and Nick headed out for a canoe trip, and maybe it was the soothing rhythm of the ocean or maybe the gentle breeze blowing at their backs, but Dan suddenly felt like getting personal with Nick. "Can I trust you with a secret?" he asked. Oh Dan. Don't tell the astronaut thing. It's not much of a secret if you start blabbing to everyone about it. But sure enough, Dan just couldn't contain himself. "Well, it turns out I did a little more than just work on space shuttles," he said, recycling the same line he used on Terry. Dan, Dan, Dan. At least use some imagination. Nevertheless, he spilled the beans about being in space, which led us here in the TVgasm offices to two conclusions. Either Dan was making a strategic move to make Nick feel like he had a special, semi-sacred bond with him... or Dan was just so boring that no one had even bothered to ask him "Hey, so what ELSE did you do at NASA?"

Well, Nick feigned interest -- or maybe not. I for sure thought Nick wouldn't give a shit, but he then told us, "I never thought I'd meet an astronaut, never mind live with one!" Wow. I mean, astronauts are cool and everything, and I'd love to meet one and learn about all of his or her experiences, but seriously, it's not 1974. They're not like rock stars. I'd be much more excited to be stuck on a tribe with a Big Brother 6 alum (from the Sovereign Six, of course) Hmmm... I just indirectly equated Big Brother cast members to rock stars. That's not right. Forget I said anything. Astronauts are the best!

Nick then told how humble Dan was about being a space cadet, and this was then followed by Dan babbling on and on about his celestial exploits to just about everyone. Yes, that included Austin. So it was official. Dan was out of the astronaut closet. He explained to his boyz that he never meant to lie to them. He just didn't want to be pigeonholed. Austin the writer then piped up and joked, "My real name is John Grisham." Wah wah wah. I take it Austin's not a comedy writer then.

Well, at fifteen minutes into the show, we still hadn't seen neither hide nor hair of any reward challenge, thus fueling my predictions that something big and crazy was gonna happen. Maybe a merge? Maybe a medical emergency? Nevertheless, we returned to Casaya where a brooding Shane sat menacingly on a log -- not his thinking stump, mind you. He looked like he was gonna say something, and I was more than excited. Every time Shane opens his mouth, ridiculousness follows. Not just from him, but from his entire tribe. Casaya has to be my favorite dysfunctional tribe of all time. Well, Shane did open his mouth. He wanted the girls to give him his son's name back. So what did the girls do? THEY GAVE IT BACK! Dumb move. They totally had power over him. But whatever. Who had time to think about things when there were silly arguments to have?

Once again, Shane started up about how the girls made bad decisions and whatnot, but Danielle shoved a heaping plate of logic in Shane's face by saying, "I stuck to the original plan. So if you want to get angry at someone for flipping, then you should [something unintelligible] Aras!" (I think she said "blame.")

Shane's response to that? "I did! I got angry at Courtney!" Huh? What? She said Aras, not Courtney. Literally, that made no sense. He's losing it. Suddenly, Bruce didn't seem so nuts to build a freakin' zen garden in the middle of this mess.

Ultimately, the women accused Shane of talking down to them all the time, but he didn't believe them. "Funny how you two are the only ones that have a problem with it," he said. Yes, nothing says "I don't talk down to you" like talking down to them.

Over at La Mina, we then were greeted by an up close and personal beauty shot of some sort of lizard or iguana. I supposed this was a harbinger of something, but I really didn't want to expend too much mental energy thinking about it. I had to save myself up for various conspiracy theories and speculations. Anyway, the tribe received an ominous skull-shaped coaster (that's the best way I can describe it) that had details about the next challenge. Turns out the reward and immunity challenges would be lumped together into one giant event. For La Mina, they had to win. A victory would tie up the tribal numbers and provide them with much-needed nourishment. Don't get me wrong, the morning plankton was delish -- but they were ready for more ample sustenance.

Posted by B-side on March 10, 2006 2:24 AM