Well, the teams then all decided who would be swimmers and who would be puzzle makers. Brad curiously volunteered to be a puzzle maker for Raro, saying he could do them like the back of his hand. Do people "do" backs of their hands? No matter. This all spelled doom for Brad. First the potato incident, and now puzzle bravado? This could not turn out well...

With stormy weather rolling in, the survivors then took their marks on the beach, ready to start swimming. Adam took this opportunity to puff out his chest and flex his pecs. I'm sure it had to do with the cold wind, but I couldn't help feeling like he'd be preening regardless of the temperature.

"Me Adam. Me tough!"

"But sometimes I think my life is empty..."

"GRRRR! Me still tough!!!"

"But me lonely too..."

"But mostly, me tough!!!"

Anyway, Jeff flapped his arms, and the competition began. Right out of the gate, the big story was Rebecca, whose breasteses went thumping and flopping about, like two giant maracas during a samba. Seriously, it was out of control. If only she could have harnessed her boobies' kinetic energy into her swimming because she quickly fell behind as she labored in the waves.

This image does not do the scene justice AT ALL.

But this one sort of does...

Jungle Boy Ozzy, on the other hand, took a quick lead, causing Jonathan to chant, "Go Ozzy! Go Ozzy!" Dear Jonathan: please shut up. Signed: America.

Anyway, time for brevity! Because of Rebecca's ineffectualness in the water, Raro fell significantly behind, causing Nate to ponder why Brad wasn't swimming. Duh! Because he's great at puzzles! (By the way, this all meant even worse news for Brad, I tell you). By the time poor Rebecca made it to land, she was utterly exhausted, not to mention totally hanging out of her top. Yes, her bathing suit had risen up, causing her boobs to just flop around in front of everyone. "Pull your top down, baby!" people said, but I don't think Rebecca cared. Next thing we knew, she was splayed out on the ground like a starfish, ready to nap the rest of the day away.

"They destroyed everything, Candice! They burned it all to the ground!"
"Not our barn, Yul! Not our barn!"

Well, the challenge continued without too much craziness. At one point, Ozzy had to retrieve a key from a plaster box, but he no longer had a club, so he had to bash it with his bare arm. It was kind of cool. Personally, my favorite part came about midway through the challenge as one person swam around underwater and looked for a key. This random fish wandered into view with a look on its face like "Oops! Sorry! My bad!" It was like a home movie with a camera-shy cousin meets Little Nemo.

Get out of the shot, FISH!

Anyway, Raro managed to close the gap between the teams somewhat, but Aitu soon had all its keys and was working on the next stage. There was no way Raro could catch up, especially with Becky tinkering with that puzzle. Sure enough, Aitu won the reward, once again reiterating the stereotypes that Asians are wonderful with puzzles (thanks Becky!). With that, a pissed off Nate rejoined his loser tribe, and then Aitu picked Adam to go back to Exile Island. Hahaha. SUCKER! He looked like he wanted to punch someone in the face. Anyone. (Except Aaron Eckhart, natch).

After the commercial break, we caught up with the victors enjoying their peanut butter. All was well in Aitu, and Candice and Flicka even shared a passing kiss on the lips. "Things just change constantly in this game. You never really know what's going to happen," Flicka said happily (which probably meant some bad shit was going to happen to her).

Over at Raro, everyone was cranky at Brad for not swimming during the challenge. "I'm creative/spatial! I do puzzles!" he insisted. Besides, it was clear that Rebecca was athletic/mermaid; so having her swim was perfectly logical! Anyway, Nate then carped to us about Brad, saying he simply did not understand why Brad didn't step up. He even went so far as to call him a "Nancy Boy." Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Next season: gay vs. straight!

Moments later, Brad wandered off to do whatever, giving the girls an opportunity to complain about him behind his back. You know, I agree that he should have swam, but nothing stopped the girls from saying, "Hey, you may be good at puzzles, but we need you more in the water." They must shoulder the blame too! Did you hear me, POVERTY?

Over on Exile Island, a whining Adam expressed doubt in his tribe, unsurprisingly interpreting their shortcomings as a personal affront to him. "It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkey," he said. Last time I checked, eagles weren't known for being pinned down by turkeys. I mean, if he were an eagle, couldn't he just take off regardless of what birds were around him? Get your metaphors straight, FAUX-ECKHART!

Well, Adam sure got his comeuppance. A harsh storm barreled through the Cook Islands that night, causing him to curl up in a fetal position under some palm fronds and spend the night dreading life. If there were ever a reason why I would not go on Survivor (besides the lack of food), it would be getting stuck outside in a nasty storm with nothing on but some shorts.

Posted by B-side on November 3, 2006 1:30 AM