Girls Gone Mild - 
by B-side
By B-Side and Madeyoulaugh
TVgasm rarely covers made for TV movies, but every once in a while, a true gem comes along that must be seen. No, we're not talking about Dynasty: The Making of Guilty Pleasure. We're referring to Spring Break Shark Attack, CBS's latest and random foray into the teen horror genre. Needless to say, it was terrible. And yet two hours later, we left the TV feeling supremely entertained. But that might have more to do with some awkwardly placed herpes commercials.
Anyway, with The OC's Shannon Lucio at the helm, we would be remiss to leave this movie uncommented on. So without further review, here is the TVgasm play by play of Spring Break Shark Attack.
(Please note that all times are approximate and most likely incorrect.)
9:00pm
The movie opens with a random quartet of thirtysomething ladies having a picnic on the high seas. It's not really very logical, especially since the ladies are draped around an inflatable raft, a.k.a. the easiest thing to capsize EVER. One slovenly woman excitedly mentions that Spring Break is just around the corner. Aren't these ladies a bit old to be doing Spring Break? Or are we in for a bunch of Gabrielle Carteris coeds?
9:01pm
"Alice would have loved this," says one of the Kim Catrall wannabes. Everyone sighs. Um, are we supposed to catch the significance of Alice? The Sex In The Ocean moment is brutally interrupted though when the ugliest member of the group is suddenly pulled underwater. General screams ensue, followed by the obligatory consumption of each woman. Wait, I wanted to know more about Alice. Oh cruel world! Whither Alice? Whither Alice?
9:02pm
We meet Danielle, played by Shannon Lucio who displays little if any range from her Lindsay character on The OC. At least she's better than the monotone actresses playing her two friends. "Come on Danielle," they say, trying to coax their bookish friend down to Spring Break. "The sun, the surf, the sand. And tons of gorgeous men." Yeah, that's all great, but why did they hire the people who dub over Asian movies to play her friends?
9:05pm
Danielle asks her dad if she can go to Spring Break. He says no. "Those guys, they're all sharks." Okay, we'll just start up the obvious shark foreshadowing counter now. 1.
9:05pm
Danielle's dad notes that preying on innocent girls is what guys do on Spring Break. "It's in their nature." Shark foreshadowing: 2.
9:06pm
The scene and movie comes to a complete halt (or at least maintains its halted state) when Danielle calls out her dad for an affair he had a few months ago. Mom and Dad look down at their plates sadly. Who called in Edward Albee for the rewrites?
9:06pm
Exactly one second after the family seems headed for a domestic drama not seen since The Ice Storm, or at least an Olive Garden commercial, Danielle's parents happily smile as they wave goodbye to their daughter who's going off to help Habitat for Humanity. So that whole extra-marital affair thing, we'll just pretend it didn't happen, mmkay?
9:10pm
Tricky Danielle doesn't go to Colorado to build houses for the poor. She sneaks off to Florida where the music never stops! We then are treated to a lovely montage of bikini bottoms prancing around the shoreline. Ah yes, Vagina Beach. Home of, you guessed it, vagina. We then cut to a random old man sitting amongst the young coeds and reading a newspaper. Look, I know directors like to do cameos, but this just isn't working.
9:13pm
Danielle is finally reunited with her friends. They accuse her of having skin that's too pale. What's the remedy? Why a montage, of course! Cut to the galpals trying on hats and sunglasses. Man, Spring Break has really gotten out of control.
Check out the sexy Spring Break hat.9:14pm
Danielle and her nameless friends stroll along Seagull Beach. "That is the coolest!" they say, pointing to a few guys swimming in a small, inflatable pool. Hey ladies. Don't look now, but to the right, there's a whole OCEAN. Crazy, huh?
9:14pm
The girls seem unfazed by the gay pride parade rolling by the beach. We can't see it, but based on the diva techno in the background, it's safe to assume RuPaul is just a few feet away. Meanwhile, Danielle and her posse marvel at other sights of CBS's Spring Break. Why, over there is a dry bikini contest! Oh, and look, there's an air bong. It's like a beer bong, except instead of beer, there's air. Awesome!
9:15pm
We meet J.T. We know he's bad because he's carrying around a video camera and trying to get girls to flash their titties. Plus, he looks like Dan Cortese.
9:18pm
Kathy Baker surfaces in the middle of this mess as a homely local who rents out fishing boats to Spring Breakers. Sadly, turns out her little beach isn't as popular as Seagull Beach which apparently built an artificial reef to lure in the coeds. Yeah, Spring Break is all about the ecosystems, man.
9:18pm
The residual checks from Cocktail and FX have apparently dried up as Bryan Brown arrives to chat with Kathy Baker. Through some clunky exposition, we learn that Kathy Baker is hard up for money as Bryan Brown hands her a $100 bill. No word on whether any sexual favors are included in that deal. Still, Kathy Baker nods towards the incoming students and says "The invasion begins." Shark foreshadowing: 3.
9:19pm
Kathy Baker's dreamy son arrives wearing a sleeveless flannel button-down. Turns out he's not a lesbian, but a handyman. He alerts us that he's got to fix some fishing boat. Uh oh. Hope that boat doesn't flunk out on anyone, you know, especially during a shark attack, if that were to happen.
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