9:22pm
Two researchers babble on a boat. One is a chubby Indian dude with a British accent. The writers prove how hip they are by having him say "Get jiggy with it." Sadly, he didn't follow up with "This is a great Spring Break, NOT!" The other researcher seems to be the unholy lovechild of Johnny Mosely, Jason Schwartzman, and Weird Al Yankovic. The two guys seem oblivious to the giant pool float lurking towards them. Oh wait, that's a shark.

9:25pm
Danielle has inexplicably broken off from the pack to look for her.. brother? Okay, we'll just go with it. Instead she finds Shane working on his boat. The two have instant corpse-on-corpse chemistry. Danielle stammers. Oooh. What's she gonna do? Invite him to the party tonight? Oh, she should do that. Do it Danielle! Do it! Sweet relief. Danielle invites Shane to the party. "It's not my scene," he says, adding "Seriously, I'm not in that scene. You have to talk to the writers."

9:28pm
Danielle's friends ask her "Feel guilty about coming here?" Danielle laughs and says no. Meanwhile, in Colorado, a homeless family stands by a pile of lumber and waits for a volunteer to arrive.

9:30pm
JT becomes smitten with Danielle for no good reason except that she's the star of the movie. Normally you'd think he'd go after all the hotter, less prudish coeds who have no qualms entering a dry t-shirt contest. JT asks if Danielle has ever been on Spring Break before. She says no, and he replies, "There's nothing like your first time." He then adds, "By the way, that was a double entendre. I was referring to sex."

9:35pm
Later at the club, JT taps a girl on the shoulder. It's Jennifer Aniston! The girl gives him that patented "You date raped me" look and marches away. Tough crowd.

9:37pm
Danielle and Shane manage to flirt without sparks at the bar. Later they dance to more techno not heard since the days of La Bouche's "Be My Lover". Luckily for Shane, everyone else at the club seems to be wearing flannel. Honestly, was this filmed in 1996?

9:38pm
A slow song comes on at the club. Does that happen? Danielle and her friends become mortified when they realize they're actually at a 6th grade dance.

9:40pm
Danielle's friend exclaims, "Have you seen all the hot guys from Dartmouth?" Hey, maybe this movie ain't so bad after all.

9:43pm
After babbling about Dartmouth boys, Danielle's friends drag her away from both Shane and JT. Aw. Even CBS has cockblocks.

9:43pm
Danielle and Shane have escaped to the local bookstore directly next door to the club (the music comes in through the walls, natch). Gotta love those late night Spring Break bookstores. I wonder if Fat Tuesdays will be adding on that Jane Austen reading room.

9:44pm
Shane comments that the bookstore is more of his scene. He then reveals that he's saving up for college and wants to be an engineer. Doesn't really explain his love of bookstores, unless of course they're in a store devoted to technical pamphlets. The two talk about their hopes and dreams while browsing through stacks of disorganized volumes. And by "browsing", I mean they pick up a book, flip through pages without actually looking down at what's in their hands, and then put the book back on some random pile. Things get intense when Danielle grabs a book from behind Shane, almost causing an accidental kiss. Yes, if there's anything Spring Break is known for, it's gentle flirting.

9:45pm
JT's friend and some random blonde chick hang out in a curiously well lit corner of the ocean. The girl freaks out because she feels something graze her foot. Maybe if you looked down into the remarkably well lit water, you might see a shark. Suddenly the girl is dragged underwater. JT's friend laughs it off and accuses her of being a jokester. Again, a gander at the well lit water might... oh never mind. Moments later, the shark tugs JT's friend into the water, although we could have sworn he dove in himself. Suddenly, a bloody geyser gushes out of the water. Wow, the shark made him blow up! And by the way, that was pretty cool of the girl to wait for the guy to get eaten before she bled in the water too.

Wow, that guy full on exploded. You'd think with all the light in the water he'd see the shark coming.

9:46pm
Danielle finally meets her brother at his apartment, and it turns out that he's the researcher from before. No, not the Indian guy, although I would have liked to have heard the backstory on that scenario. Danielle goes in for some household appliance humor as she teases her bro for hoarding a suctionless vacuum cleaner. After we were done chuckling at the badinage, the brother explained that what she thought was a suctionless vacuum cleaner was really a device he was designing to help rid entire beaches of sharks. Oh, but it doesn't work yet. Better get crackin'! You only have an hour and fifteen minutes left! Before the visit is over, Danielle's brother says that whatever she does, don't go in the water! He has a shark sense. We personally would like to see Danielle's brother at a party with Dennis Quaid from The Day After Tomorrow, Jeff Goldblum from Independence Day, and the guy who predicted the asteroid in Deep Impact.

9:48pm
Danielle watches in horror as a coed languishes in the surf. Is it a shark? No, it's JT. Oh wait, it's almost like JT is a shark. So many levels.

9:52pm
JT asks Danielle and her friend what they're up to for tonight. "Come to the party," he says, adding "I was thinking about date raping one of you, so come on. I'll bring chips."

Posted by B-side on March 21, 2005 12:48 PM