9:54pm
Shane, rockin' another flannel vest, encounters his mom, who's just had a visit from Danielle. "A girl came by. What's her name?" eggs on Kathy Baker. I don't know what her name is, you're the one who took the message, MOM.

9:55pm
Shane tells Kathy Baker that he's going to go off and check on the boat. Sure you are, laughs Kathy Baker. Hey, stop laughing at my imminent masturbation, MOM!

9:55pm
Bryan Brown returns. He shells out more cash for Kathy Baker. We like the prostitution undertones. It's a layer.

9:58pm
"Is Karen here?" asks a nymphet, walking into the gals' beach house. "I'm Karen!" responds, well, Karen. Moments later, a guy walks in and asks if Vinnie's there. Sadly, Karen resists the urge to say "I'm Vinnie!"

10:00pm
Uh oh! Looks like the few people Karen invited over went and invited a few more people and they invited a few more. There's a rager at the Spring Break house! This is exactly the sort of bad stuff daddy warned Danielle about. Oh and look, there's another air bong! This is getting out of control!

10:01pm
The aforementioned Karen yells out to a partygoer, "Hey, drop that vase!" Wow, someone tried to steal a vase. MY GOD!

10:02pm
JT arrives looking less like Dan Cortese and more like JC Chasez. He prances around with a look on his face that seems to say "I only button two buttons on my shirt." Man, he's a real shark!

10:03pm
As more gay pride techno pipes through the stereo, a random older dude grinds with Danielle and JT. If this were ESPN, that would certainly go on the highlight reel.

10:03pm
In a random subplot that promises to go absolutely nowhere, Danielle's non-Karen friend grabs a hold of JT's video camera. She retreats to a quiet, sob-friendly corner of the house where she views the Spring Break footage. It's a girl in a bikini standing around. Oh man, this is too hot! The girl finally takes her top off, but the camera conveniently whips around to JT's friend laughing. Danielle's friend is crushed by this footage. We are sadly deprived the luxury of watching Visine eyedrops roll down her cheeks.

10:04pm
Shane arrives from the party. Glad to see him back from the bookstore/engineering lab. Kinda wish he'd brought some flannel vests for everyone.

10:05pm
Danielle and Shane are suddenly at a food court. She orders a very family friendly soda. JT arrives magically and manages to slip a roofie into the drink. He hands the soda to Danielle with a look that seems to say "Try this. It's what I like to call a rape and tonic."

10:06pm
Later in the evening, Danielle feels sick! What pray tell will happen?? We're not sure, but we think it might have to do with rape.

10:06pm
JT proves to have terrible roofie etiquette. He leaves Danielle alone, making her the easy target for any other drunken poacher. Luckily, she stumbles out to a bonfire, but sadly she does not become engulfed in flames. Shane is there to grab her, kiss her, and then carry her back into the party. As they re-enter the house, some guy says "Check it out!" Yeah man! Somebody's carrying someone! And someone found a vase too! Best Spring Break EVER!

10:07pm
JT ascends to a room where Danielle's passed out on a bed. We know he intends to rape her because the camera tilts down to his crotch for a gratuitously long crotch shot. Meanwhile, the movie suddenly remembers that there's supposed to be sharks on screen, so we cut to two girls lying on a dock, complaining about boys. One of the girls stands up and walks away for no real reason. She might as well have said "I'm gonna go not die now." Her friend simply lies there, eventually falling victim to a giant, plastic shark head which supposedly chomps down on her foot, but from what we could see, missed her completely. We'll just assume its gravitational pull dragged the girl into the water.

I only drink Chablis on Spring Break.

10:08pm
Back in the roofie suite, JT has now made his move. Well, he's nuzzled his nose against Danielle's and kissed her cheek. "You cannot resist my hair which is both crunchy and oily all at the same time!" Suddenly Shane walks in to check on his beloved lass. He asks what JT's doing. "I was just... um... date raping. I mean, rape dating. I mean, watching Desperate Housewives." There's a pregnant pause, and for a moment we wonder if Shane and JT are going to make out. Finally, bitch is asleep. We can succumb to our urges!

10:09pm
The next morning, Danielle tells her roommates that she doesn't remember anything from the night before. They surmise that someone slipped her a roofie. Suddenly Danielle recoils in disgust. Oh my god, I called my dad, she says, suddenly remembering a random moment. I mean, yeah, someone slipped a drug into her soda in order to take advantage of her sexually, but that doesn't compare to calling her dad!

Hey, Shane. I'm here to rape your engine.

10:10pm
Kathy Baker makes a funny. She says a fraternity cancelled on her: "Alpha Beta Zeta Jones." Hey, I was in that frat. Kathy Baker then falls victim to a roofie and lets JT have his way with her. They do it doggy style.

10:15pm
Danielle and the crew all hit the open water in Shane's boat. JT waltzes around on the deck looking bored. We half expect him to say "Danielle, just let me rape you real quickly. I mean, it doesn't have to be you. Who wants to be raped? Did I mention I'm a shark?" Meanwhile, Shane reacts to JT's presence by honing his inner pirate and eating apple slices off a knife. ARGH!

Posted by B-side on March 21, 2005 12:48 PM