10:18pm
Everyone except Shane jumps into the water to swim. Moments later, a red liquid appears in the waves. Guys, the boat's bleeding. Shane yells out "There's blood in the water!" The kiddos respond to him with blank looks, even as the bloody water surrounds them. Finally they get the hint and climb back up into the boat. Poor Danielle though has swum out too far. "Are you guys sure it's blood?" she asks idiotically. No, Danielle. It's not blood. It's just a huge amount of cranberry juice that just happens to have attracted the two sharks swimming behind you.

While Danielle furiously swims for the boat, the sharks decide not to attack but quietly observe their prey from a distance. Shane tosses her a flotation device but tells her to be very still -- the sharks rely on motion. I liked this better when it was called Jurassic Park. Danielle's fear of lumbering, plastic sharks comes to a head as she begins screaming. The sharks circle her several times, but apparently they are blind, deaf, and unable to sense the warm blooded prey directly next to them. Eventually they swim away, and when they've covered a safe distance of about twenty feet, Danielle makes a break for the ship. Luckily, the sharks are feeble and can only wish to swim half as fast as Danielle.

10:17pm
The sharks attack the fishing boat, causing the coeds to scream and fall over as the camera shakes to and fro. "We're taking on water!" announces Shane. Everyone looks down to see that they are in fact standing in ankle-deep water. Do top decks usually leak before ship hulls?

10:20pm
Danielle's brother hauls several decapitated sea turtles out of the ocean. It's supposed to be a grim sight, but the turtles sort of look like big pillows. Based on the evidence in front of him, Danielle's brother announces that he can draw no other conclusion except that these turtles have fallen victim to sharks! Or maybe a ship's rudder. But we'll go with sharks.

10:23pm
The gang have docked the fishing boat on a random island. JT announces proudly that the beer's still good. Does beer usually go bad during a shark attack? Danielle brings some items onto the beach and discovers a pack of roofies! And one is missing! She flips the pack over, and discovers that the plastic is broken behind the pill that's missing! So that means the pill didn't just disappear. It was removed by a person! Oh what a horrifying, logical sight! The only thing missing is a big label that says "ROOFIES".

This broken plastic means one thing: this package of roofies wasn't accidentally missing one pill. Someone used one!

10:24pm
During a commercial break, CBS advertises its next made for TV movie, "Locusts!" Seriously CBS, you might want to fire some people. For the record, if it were called "Spring Break Locust Attack", I would totally watch it.

10:25pm
We return to the kids on their new island home. "What are we doing here?" asks one of them. Um, shark attack? A few hours ago? Ring a bell?

10:27pm
Danielle complains to Shane that she should have listened to her parents. Her dad was right. Let that be an obvious, moralistic lesson to you kids. Always obey your parents! Shane responds by saying "Your father won't take you serious." Actually, it's seriously. Shouldn't he know his adverbs, being a reader and whatnot?

10:30pm
The next morning, Danielle's friend stands in the surf and washes her face. Oh no! Will a tiny shark bite her nose??

10:30pm
Actually, no sharks attack the girl. Instead, the half eaten body of her boyfriend washes up instead. Of all the beaches in all the lands, why'd you have to wash up here?

10:31pm
The buds pile back into the boat and return to Seagull Beach. Why'd they spend the evening if the boat worked?

10:33pm
At the police station, JT and Danielle's two friends report the dead body. "This is twisted!" says JT, adding "By the way, is my constant use of ’90s slang turning anyone else on?"

10:34pm
Best moment of the night:

10:34pm
The herpes man rock climbs with a happy blonde. "It's been months since my last outbreak," he boasts, adding "But only minutes since I gave it to her. Bitch."

10:36pm
Shane tells his mom that the fishing boat's bait hatch or whatever was left open, causing accidental chumming that attracted the sharks. With this nugget of information, Kathy Baker then finds Bryan Brown at a beachside bar and accuses him of chumming the waters all week to put a few shark fins in the water and scare the crowds away from Seagull Beach in order to return patrons to the local businesses elsewhere. Wow, she's really intuitive. CBS should start CSI: Kathy Baker.

10:37pm
Mourning the death of his friend and several failed rape attempts, JT pounds some apple juice, I mean, beer. Hey, is this Spring Break Shark Attack going to start anytime soon?

10:39pm
A crowd of people has gathered on a pier. They spots sharks, and lots of them. Police officers come running with their nightsticks out. So are they going to club the sharks?

Look out! Pool toys on the horizon!

10:40pm
Shane and Danielle see the army of sharks approaching all the drunken coeds in the water. "Let's lure them away!" suggests Shane. How about you go warn all those people to get out of the water?

10:41pm
While Shane and Danielle spend forty five minutes loading chum into a chest, a drunken JT makes his move on a sexy girl in the water. Just when they're about to make out, a shark pulls her under. Man, even the sharks cockblock.

10:42pm
Geysers of blood everywhere! Apparently these people have grenades in their bathing suits.

Posted by B-side on March 21, 2005 12:48 PM