Girls Gone Mild - 
by B-side
10:42pm
Hey look, there's a parasailer. It looks like he's having a great time. Oh shit! He just sailed right into the mouth of a shark. Wow, that was great anticipation on the shark's part.
10:42pm
A girl emerges from the ocean with what's supposed to be a bite but looks like a bullet wound. My God! The sharks have guns!
10:43pm
Wow. This is like Normandy.
10:44pm
Well, JT's dead. Amazingly, the shark raped him before eating him. Now that's some good irony.
10:45pm
Here comes Danielle driving a boat. Huh? When did she learn how to do that? Shane, Danielle, and Charlie (that's her brother) arrive to chum the waters and lure the sharks out to the open water. Question: isn't it a bit late to chum? The sharks have already attacked. And isn't there enough natural chum now that the chum bait won't really have any effect? And why are you chumming where the coeds are? Luckily, the sharks speak English because when Shane says "Come and get it, sharks!" they actually listen and ignore all the half eaten bodies in the water (ie. dinner for three weeks) in favor of a floating chest that's seeping a little bit of blood.
10:45pm
Bryan Brown surveys the horror that is Spring Break Shark Attack. "This wasn't supposed to happen," he says. We're still unclear whether or not he's referring to his career.
10:46pm
Out on the open sea, the boat suddenly lurches and the bait box disappears under the waves. "What was that?" asks Danielle. Um, I believe it was a shark. You know, unless an Orca got loose too.
10:49pm
The ship rocks violently again. Shane double over in pain as we discover that an arrow seems to have gone straight through his shoulder. The sharks have crossbows too? What can't they do?
10:51pm
Charlie drops what appears to be oversized Christmas ornaments in the water. We'll win the sharks over with Holiday cheer!
10:52pm
We learn that the Christmas ornaments are actually pods, and inside them is Charlie's science experiment. He's reluctant to use his experiment at first, screaming "But it's a SCIENCE EXPERIMENT!" But then he relents. Unfortunately, the pods don't work. You see, if one of them malfunctions, they all malfunction. Kind of like Christmas lights, he says. Well, guess someone's got to go underwater and fix that pod! Can't be Charlie. He's got to man the computer. And Shane is injured (damn crossbow). Conveniently, there just so happens to be a female wet suit on board that fits Danielle perfectly. Don't really know why she needs one though.
10:53pm
Danielle dangles her foot just above the ocean surface. The camera pulls back to show that she's literally about to step on a shark's back. Maybe she should wait for it to swim away? Or maybe they should just go back to shore?
10:54pm
Danielle heads underwater to fix the Christmas ornament. A shark swims right at her, but then suddenly a burst of bubbles emerges from the pod. The shark scampers away terrified. Never underestimate the power of bubbles to keep sharks at bay.
10:55pm
With the Christmas ornaments safely driving the sharks back to the deep, all seems well on Seagull Beach. Amazingly, the media doesn't seem to care about the giant massacre. Danielle embraces her dad. The two have a sweet heart to heart, culminating with Danielle stating "Maybe I needed you. Maybe I didn't." Gosh, this is a really ambiguous ending. Hey remember how her dad had an affair and it never resulted in anything in the script? Yeah, that was great.
10:56pm
Danielle checks in on her beloved Shane, a.k.a. the guy she's known for just under two days. He says that he thought he was going to lose her. "You're never going to lose me," Danielle says, adding "Anyway, gotta go back home. Toodles!"
10:57pm
As they watch the sunset, Danielle jokes "What do you think? Next year Cancun?" Shane simply laughs and says "You're crazy!" He then adds, "Seriously. All those Mexicans? That's just too much for me."
And so ended CBS's triumphant foray into teen horror. It was truly terrible, and yet, we want more. Much more.
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Comments
I was thinking JT was more like a poor man's Andrew Keegan.
And my favorite part was the guy literally windsurfing into a shark's open jaws!
Posted by: Catie | March 21, 2005 3:00 PM(#1 of 40)
I have never laughed so hard in my entire life! I was actually gaffawing out loud and making a real spectacle of myself at work (actually, that's pretty much a standard day for me).
B-Side, run away with me!
Posted by: hannahthehun | March 21, 2005 3:00 PM(#2 of 40)
Hannah,
You know, this was by Bside & MYL...Im not looking for a run away with me, but can I at least jog behind the 2 of you? do you have a sister with a limp?
MYL
Posted by: madeyoulaugh | March 21, 2005 3:16 PM(#3 of 40)
I attempted to watch it, I lasted all of 5 minutes, but as I flipped away I knew that it'd be ok, TVGasm would make me feel like I'd been there.
Thanks guys!
Posted by: TinkerbellAPixie | March 21, 2005 3:45 PM(#4 of 40)
Great article, however it would be better if Maureen Dowd hadn't published a story in the NYT 2 days before with the EXACT same title.
Granted, it was about something completely different, but still, you guys have the same taste in title selection as Maureen Dowd. Nice.
Posted by: IndianJones | March 21, 2005 3:54 PM(#5 of 40)
Your Best Moment of the night won't play and I am dying to see it.
I was flipping through the channels at what must have been 10:20 when I saw all of the half eaten tortoise shells and that was when I knew that it was a good thing I had not watched the movie from the start. Also, I liked "Dynasty: The Making of a Guilty Pleasure" and I had never even watched the show. That has to be saying something although I'm not sure what.
And just a little fun fact, at 9:37pm you talked about 1996 and then at 9:38pm you talked about 6th grade which is kind of ironic considering that in 1996 I was in 6th grade. I know you all are thrilled that I brought that up.
Posted by: Lisa | March 21, 2005 4:21 PM(#6 of 40)
Hysterical - but one small thing -- the opening scene was NOT an homage to Sex in the City. How could you miss the Desperate Houswives slam? They each represent the 4 main characters of DH talking about "Alice" - as in "Mary Alice" the DH char. who killed herself - and coincidentally - the movie aired opposite Desperate Housewives at 9. hello? Also, the next scene on the beach a guy was a reading a newspaper that said "Desperate Search for Four Housewives Continues" -- I thought it was hysterical - did everyone miss that??
Posted by: Fred | March 21, 2005 5:10 PM(#7 of 40)
Fred -
The DH slam at the top, I certainly missed. Both Bside and I noticed the newspaper article, but certainly thought it too irrelevant to mention. Guess we were wrong.
MYL
Posted by: madeyoulaugh | March 21, 2005 5:54 PM(#8 of 40)
"Ah even CBS has cockblocks." Too funny, I almost died in the computer lab at school when I read that line. Love it. Keep up the good work
Posted by: Jader | March 21, 2005 7:09 PM(#9 of 40)
love the still of the girl running from the shark attack with her cocktail intact.
Posted by: mattie | March 21, 2005 8:06 PM(#10 of 40)
Gawd! Thanks for the Shark Photo though...
very cool.
Tell more Bar stories... you guys are good at that.
Posted by: visibleh20 | March 21, 2005 8:10 PM(#11 of 40)
Great commentary. Many apologies for all cheese. FYI, the opening scene, our one most intentional moment of camp, was a play on DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. The ladies, CBS's direct competition at the 9 pm hour, get their just desserts in our film, as they are all duly punished for their tawdry vaccuousness. I'm surprised that a site as savvy as TVGasm missed this not-so-subtle parody.
Posted by: Exec Producer of SBSA | March 21, 2005 10:35 PM(#12 of 40)
Hehe this was so funny. I cant believe I watched that movie.
I thought that Danielle's brother looked a lot like Danny from Apprentice 3 and David Arquette.
My funniest part of the movie was the fact that the beach was supposed to be in Florida, yet there were mountains everywhere. But your funniest part was second best :)
Posted by: Katrina | March 21, 2005 11:17 PM(#13 of 40)
Exec Producer of SBSA - Thank you for producing this fine movie. Seriously, I was highly entertained. You guys succeeded with the camp quotient, and it sounds like that was your plan. Can't speak for Madeyoulaugh, but if you ever need more writers for another project, you know where to reach me... (Yes everyone, I have no qualms about whoring myself out).
Katrina - two excellent points. I too thought of Danny, but didn't want to overdo the unholy lovechild references. And the mountains - that didn't even occur to me.
Posted by: B-Side | March 21, 2005 11:26 PM(#14 of 40)
TO:: EP at Enlightment Ent:: Obviously you would you like to shoot the sequel in Australia where the Great Whites are so cocky they'll take your legs off and then ask to borrow a twenty. If you need a experienced local EP on the ground, let me know here. (hey if everyone is srounging for gigs - so am I. at least I've worked in TV/features for years which is more than these TVGasm dudes).
Posted by: Kiwi Lad | March 21, 2005 11:57 PM(#15 of 40)
Don't make assumptions, Kiwi Lad...
Posted by: B-Side | March 22, 2005 12:10 AM(#16 of 40)
Hilarious recap, Hilarious movie made better by several glasses of Chablis and blister paks of Roofies.
Loved the well placed Herpes commercial, on my local station they also had a well placed Tampax ad right after the Locusts ad, (boy and girl out rowing boat, boat springs a leak, girl whips out tampax(from purse)) and plugs up hole in the boat. Lovely.
I don't think that really was a bookstore. It looked like the backroom of the nightclub with stacks of old menus and phone books piled around.
And What was with the royal blue bikini "Danielle" wore? That color is so Granny! And why did she wear it the entire movie, she even wore it under her dress. Okay I'm caring too much.
Go Sharks! Bring back Hockey!
Posted by: Retroqueen | March 22, 2005 7:28 AM(#17 of 40)
"at least I've worked in TV/features for years which is more than these TVGasm dudes"
Well, other than all of us pretty much having worked in Television/features since moving to Los Angeles, I guess you have a point.
Posted by: J-Unit | March 22, 2005 8:03 AM(#18 of 40)
I laughed so hard I cried! I can't wait for the sequel: 'Spring Break Shark Attack II - The Pack Strikes Back!'
That's something else - is it just me, or does this title just scream for an exclamation point?
'Spring Break Shark Attack!'
Posted by: Brother Grimace | March 22, 2005 8:14 AM(#19 of 40)
Kiwi et al ,
As long as Bside and JUnit are sharing our resumes, I have worked in movies since the first week I arrived in Los Angeles. I dont like to brag, but Tobey Mcguire, Kirstin Dunst and I had did business together at my first job in the industry. It was opening weekend for Spider-Man and I happily tore their tickets at Arclight Cinerama Dome. Oh, those were hungry days.
MYL
Posted by: madeyoulaugh | March 22, 2005 8:58 AM(#20 of 40)
Sorry about the mountains. We shot South Africa/Capetown for South Florida, which ain't exactly a match. We tried our damnedest to avoid the mountains, but a few snuck in there. Ugly, I know. In retrospect, perhaps shoulda gone to the Gold Coast, eastern Australia, which more closely resembles SoFlo.
The Bookstore was weather "cover," meaning the scene was SUPPOSED to take place exterior night on a romantic beach. But the wind was blowing 50miles an hour, so we had to scramble. Book store was our alternative. It is actually a book store, but a USED book store, which explains why books are piled up, and in a rather disorderly fashion.
Rumor has it that MTV may rerun the film sometime in the next few months. 'Cause isn't this a film ya just wanna watch over & over & over...?
Posted by: Exec Producer SBSA | March 22, 2005 11:19 AM(#21 of 40)
I didn't watch the movie, but this recap had me doubled over in laughter. If they make any more movies like this I won't watch, yet I want them to make more just to give you guys more ammunition. This was great!
Posted by: SusieQ | March 22, 2005 11:29 AM(#22 of 40)
I laughed and laughed reading this, as I sit on Collis Commonground. Holy cow one of those hot Dartmouth guys just walked by! Oh wait...nevermind... it was just a sig ep.
That first shot of an exploding victim, I thought it was a jellyfish until I read the explanation. When this thing re-airs I will have to catch it. In the meantime I will fill out an applicaiton for that HAbitat family in Colorado to go on Extreme Makeover: Home edition.
Posted by: Leah3t | March 22, 2005 12:52 PM(#23 of 40)
I finally got the video to play and I must say that it was better than I thought it would be. How desperate do you have to be for a job to do a genital herpes commercial?
And today I was thinking about something. I realized the reason that I liked the Dynasty movie and had no desire to watch this one. The Dynasty movie was factual and this movie... well... not so much.
To the Executive Producer of this movie, I have some words of advice. When making a movie, don't insult the intelligence of the viewer. For starters, you should come up with a better title next time. Last night I was watching Jay Leno's and Jimmy Kimmel's monologues and both of them asked their audiences if they watched "Spring Break Shark Attack" which was followed by laughter. They needed no punch line. That was the joke. I recommend you have MYL, J-Unit & B-Side help you out with your next movie.
Posted by: Lisa | March 22, 2005 1:43 PM(#24 of 40)
I think having the balls to name a movie "Spring Break Shark Attack" was pretty awesome. Honestly, would anyone have been watching otherwise?
Posted by: B-Side | March 22, 2005 4:00 PM(#25 of 40)
Where it called, "Red Waters" or something to that effect, I would never have watched. But SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK, to me says TITTIES, and CBS to me, says WWJD...when their powers combine my curiousity was, like captain planet, emerges in blue spandex...wait what was I saying....basically a movie that should be on Skinemax based on its title that winds up on Christian Broadcast System, well...that demands my attention.
MYL
Posted by: madeyoulaugh | March 22, 2005 4:38 PM(#26 of 40)
The Dynasty movie was factual????
Posted by: Retroqueen | March 22, 2005 9:21 PM(#27 of 40)
It was about the making of the TV series, hence the name "Dynasty: The Making of a Guilty Pleasure".
Posted by: Lisa | March 23, 2005 11:48 AM(#28 of 40)
I just heard the porn industry is already planning a take off on this movie, Spring Break Let's Go Have Some Anal
Posted by: girlgonewild | March 23, 2005 12:26 PM(#29 of 40)
GGW,
Eh...I would have probably gone with Hymen Break, Shocker Attack.
MYL
Posted by: madeyoulaugh | March 23, 2005 7:10 PM(#30 of 40)
I dig the Collis reference. I ran the social committee when I was an undergraduate.
I can't take any credit or blame for the title. CBS upper management made that call. I wanted to call it simply SHARKS, with its inherent double meaning.
I wonder if I get get a royalty for the porno SPRING BREAK SNATCH ATTACK or whatever. Probably not. Probably just as well.
Posted by: Exec Producer SBSA | March 25, 2005 6:29 AM(#31 of 40)
I dig the Collis reference. I ran the social committee when I was an undergraduate.
I can't take any credit or blame for the title. CBS upper management made that call. I wanted to call it simply SHARKS, with its inherent double meaning.
I wonder if I get get a royalty for the porno SPRING BREAK SNATCH ATTACK or whatever. Probably not. Probably just as well.
Posted by: Exec Producer SBSA | March 25, 2005 6:48 AM(#32 of 40)
I dig the Collis reference. I ran the social committee when I was an undergraduate.
I can't take any credit or blame for the title. CBS upper management made that call. I wanted to call it simply SHARKS, with its inherent double meaning.
I wonder if I get get a royalty for the porno SPRING BREAK SNATCH ATTACK or whatever. Probably not. Probably just as well.
Posted by: Exec Producer SBSA | March 25, 2005 6:49 AM(#33 of 40)
So Exec Producer - are you the reason why we got the nice Dartmouth shout out?
Posted by: B-Side | March 25, 2005 11:00 AM(#34 of 40)
Yup.
Posted by: Exec Producer SBSA | March 25, 2005 11:58 AM(#35 of 40)
I only liked the movie because Shannon Lucio is hhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooottttttttttt
Posted by: That One Dude | March 25, 2005 5:40 PM(#36 of 40)
I only liked the movie because Shannon Lucio is hhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooottttttttttt
Posted by: That One Dude | March 25, 2005 5:41 PM(#37 of 40)
oops I posted twice... lol!!!
Posted by: That One Dude | March 25, 2005 5:43 PM(#38 of 40)
hey i saw the first half and i thought it was kool but i didnt get to watch the second half so if anyone figures out when it is going to be on again plzz tell me! muazz thanx
Posted by: Pimpin Grl | March 30, 2005 8:00 PM(#39 of 40)
exicting but i fell asleep
Posted by: hiya | March 31, 2005 3:19 PM(#40 of 40)