Les Moonves Hates Us... - 
by madeyoulaugh
by madeyoulaugh and J-Unit
Had god made the 8th plague viewing LOCUST's rather than actual locusts, Pharaoh would have let his people go before the second Enzyte commercial.
So imagine the made for TV movie of the week genre is a barrel. Now within that barrel, there are the I KNOW MY FIRST NAME IS STEVEN's and TAKEN's floating near the top, a 10.5 hovering near a SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK at the lower level, but beneath all those, at the bottom of the barrel is the thick sludge of the that barrel. It's so thick and sludgy than even a high pressure water hose, solvents bleaches and latino day labor couldn't get the barrel clean. In short, it ruins the barrel forever tainting anything ever placed into said barrel. Yes, CBS has forever ruined every movie of the week by making Locusts. And as therapy we are sharing our moment by moment recap misery with you, to dilute the pain.
9:00 The flick starts off with an establishing shot of a building with X-Files style typing along the bottom of screen....oh this is going to be crap!
9:00.09
CBS' version of a sexy underaged teenage mid-drift showing lab assistant for some reason invited her boyfriend to make out by the locusts. But first, she needs to feed the locusts a plant. If only there were written directions she could follow on how to place a plant in front of a locust...
9:01
She's reading the directions step by step on how to feed locusts. She follows them word for word, except for the part about putting on a safety suit...less than 90 seconds in....this is going to make Spring Break Shark Attack look like Schindlers List.
9:03
Sans protective suit our belly showing dream teen sachets into a lucite box filled with flying locusts, and then freaks out when they begin to fly around and touch her. I'd question the logic but, she showed her belly button so I guess it makes sense.
9:03
Teen dream gets pulled out of the swarming box of unruly unwieldily locusts just before the locusts....ummm....just before they...uhhh...raped her! Yeah! They were just about to rape her, but luckily she was rescued by her boy toy in the nick of time. Thankfully none of the Locusts escaped the box during the 45 seconds the door was wide open. They may be carnivorous, mutant, raping locusts, but they respect the boundaries implemented upon them.
9:05
It's Sunday night, I don't live with mom, I've had real sex, and yet I am watching a movie which just boasted on the screen "Starring Lucy Lawless." I think I just had my 1st TVgasm of the night and I haven't even see Xena yet!!!
9:06
We first meet Xena...sorry wrong show, she's n agriculturalist in this one, my mistake. Eh hem, we first me Dr. Xena while getting dressed after a post coital moment with Mr. Xena....sorry "Dan" her boyfriend. CBS has been dying to put a nipple back in its primetime lineup and decided, what the hey, it's only a Xena nipple. Not like she doesn't show it off all the time anyways. and here it is. Xena in panties. and see through bra.
This puts the Xena nipple counts at1
9:07
Xena nipple count - 2
9:08 Dr. Xena learns from Dr. Axelrod that Lab C-12 holds the locusts.
9:09
DR. Axelrod: Basically I created an indestructible locust that multiplies 4 times faster than regular and lives twice as long. In retrospect I probably should have used puppies. I mean, locusts? What was I thinking? thats just silly.
Put this mask on. What for? I had a burrito, extra chipolté...sorry
9:10After Dr. Xena yells at Axelrod for his creation of a dangerous biochemical weapon (i.e. grody bugs), Axelrod decides not to tell her about the other labs. In lab C-13: gangstas resistant to bullets and in C-14: a strain of AIDS transmittable by thinking of someone else. And the creme de la creme C-15: the Elven Thief with +5 Chain Mail, +5 Mythril Helmet, +10 damage, and +5 magic defense. All your Magic the Gathering Tournaments are belong to us!
9:11
Dr. Xena "We don't even want one of those things getting out!" Hey, isn't that one of those, eh, you know, em, whatyacallit, foreshadowing dealies?
9:12
Sometimes writers and directors go unnoticed, their work blends seamlessly creating an immaculate flawless film. Yes, sometimes, the best directors make choices so subtle, like gods breath, it is in its simplicity you find nirvana.
Dr. Xena says "You're fired!"...and flames engulf them...I shit you not. That was the line she said just as the flames appear on the the screen from below. Some directors use the subtlety of God's breath. This guy used the subtlety of Tom Arnold's anus on Chili day at the set of Best Damn Sports Show Ever...
9:12
Locust pun of the night -Dr. Xena "You wouldn't believe what I flew into." It made no sense, since she didn't fly anywhere. It was as if we were expected to accept that's just the cool hip lingo.
9:14
Mmmmmm, when Dr. Xena is trying to avoid an intimate moment with Mr. Dr. Xena, she knows just what to say..."I have another dead pigeon with west nile in Napa." Now where have I heard that one before...Mr. Clinton to Hillary perhaps?
9:15
Rich people will pay a fortune for locust suppository bullets. For the Department of Defense, it is just another nifty biological weapon.
9:16
The Mohammed Atta of the Locust world gives his own life flying into the eye of a driver causing his imprisoned brethren to go flying out of the jeep and under the wheel of a passing 5 ton. The locust holy warriors declare Jihad on the fields of America!
9:17
Xena nipple count 3
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