Xena Saves the World, Part the Second - 
by J-Unit
So, when I first mentioned that Vampire Bats was going to be appearing on CBS, I thought that Lucy Lawless had been typecast into roles as women who are trying to stop flying creatures from destroying the earth. When I looked to see that CBS has finally put up some promotional material for the special, I learn that it's even worse. Vampire Bats is actually a sequel, of sorts, to Locusts, which madeyoulaugh and I recapped earlier this year. She's left the horrible world of the USDA where she was just moments away from right after she discovered that they wanted her to head up a task force that was to prepare for the country in case millions of frogs fell out of the sky after listening to Frank Mackey or the crab people decide to invade. Our heroine, Maddy Rierdon lest you should forget, has moved with her husband and two daughters to Louisiana to become a teacher. But she can never escape the horror that is about to envelope her. Are you scared yet? Are you at least laughing or drunk? OK! Let's get started!
9:00
The announcer, uh, announces that "It's feeding time!" if that doesn't get you excited enough to miss a rerun of Desperate Housewives, I don't know what will.
9:01
Beautiful Tate University. Lush campus, coeds in bikinis playing slip and slide on frat row. OK Les, you win. AGAIN.
9:02
A girl and two of her guy friends walk past the Greek houses. They don't drink and are modest about their bodies. I wonder if they will somehow save the day while the hedonous fraternity and sorority types succumb to the deadly bats.
9:03
After cutting across the cemetery, the kids are invited to an underground rave, by a guy...passing out flyers to an underground rave. Doesn't that sort of defeat the purpose of making it underground?
9:04
"The party is in the middle of nowhere, that's what makes it underground," explains Low Rent Freddie Prinze Jr. He, his sidekick, and the girl the guy inviting them to the party wanted to have sex with make it to an old house and buy cups for "Planter's Punch", which we just saw was spiked moments earlier.
9:05
Freddie comes on to Eden, and even though the drugs are working, she isn't dumb enough to sleep with him in the middle of the bayou. In the background, sidekick boy spins around like an autistic kid in a planetarium
Sidekick is lost and alone, and his vintage East German military fatigues aren't helping him. This movie is either anti-drugs or pro-buddy system, I can't decide which.
9:07
Uh, oh, some electronica is playing. It's feeding time!
9:08
Dr. Xena, who is now Dr. Momma Xena has two kids, a minivan, and is too cheap for air conditioning. Xena Nipple Count: 0.
9:08:30
The help is in Guatemala? Filming Survivor? No, sick aunt. What is Dr. Momma Xena going to do with the kids?
9:09
Dr. Momma Xena's sister in-law is Brett Butler. Could she be here for...comic relief? This movie has everything!
Blonde girl in pink top asks Mr. Dr. Xena if he is seeing anybody. When he says he is married, she replies "How unfortunate." Clearly not as unfortunate as the untimely death your minor speaking role just foreshadowed.
9:12
Dr. Xena takes attendance. Jason Ortiz is missing. but he didn't miss a class last semester. Oh that's right, last semester he avoided the underground raves that took place near vampire bat breeding grounds.
9:13
We meet local law enforcement that is inspecting the case of dead deer in a wildlife preserve. If I didn't know better, I would say that it was locusts.
9:15
Brett Butler hates a dirty house. By the way, if the house is so dirty, what does the maid do all day? The kids are too young to request quesadillas.
9:16
Law enforcement guy burns the carcasses of a dead deer. Is he trying to cover something up? I wonder if he'll confess to the whole thing only after he is dying because of a bat attack.
Craig Ferguson as a drunken Irish fisherman. Dual forces of comic relief. What will Les thing of next?
9:17
They find Jason Ortiz (the sidekick) dead and beaten up, but there is almost no blood. hmmmm.
9:18
OK, Craig Ferguson is dead. Brett, it's all up to you now.
9:22
Back in class, Eden explains to the rest of her classmates what a hypoxic zone is. The size of her brain is only matched by the size of her breasts.
9:23
Aaron and Eden(Jason Ortiz's friends) are taken out of the class by Police. Dr. Momma Xena dismisses her class and follows them to the station, because that biology PhD is so much better than a public defender.
9:24
Dr. Momma Xena meets Mayor Poelkher (pronounced poh-ker). Poelkher? I hardly know her!
9:25
Motherhood has really calmed down Dr. Momma Xena's nipples. Xena nipple count: 0.
9:25
The sheriff plays a message from Eden to a friend saying she was really messed up, and something happened to Jason. You can hear Aaron in the background saying they have to go before somebody finds them. Anti-drug message count: 2. When on ecstasy, you may admit to murders that you didn't commit.
9:28
Lawyer Dr. Momma Xena vows to help the kids anyway that she ca and listens to their side of the story. Anti-drug message count: 3. "It was the punch, it was spiked with something" "I'll never try that again".
9:30
Searching for a place to throw a party, three college guys explore an underground steam tunnel and find a room with "sick" acoustics. Who cares about he bat droppings? that won't be a problem.
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