Maria has never been known for subtlety, and this remains true for her site which screams "I AM FEMININE AND LOVELY!" with the severity of a football coach for the Nazis. Sorry, had to throw in a Nazi reference. The truth is that even the most seasoned Maria observers will most likely be taken aback by her grinning visage on the main page. It's an awkward image that seems to say both "Why yes, I DO have my resumé" and "Welcome to Bloomingdales!" all at the same time. Maria presides happily over her site, even while a ghoulish monster plant grows on her sternum. Okay, maybe it's not growing per se, but as usual, Maria sports an oversized brooch which appears to be the unholy lovechild of a rosebush and some cabbage.

As the initial shock of the site ebbs away, we slowly come to realize that this corner of cyber space might be nothing more than a shabby application for Lifetime's Intimate Portrait. I mean, when the navigational options are "About Maria", "About Experience", and "About Dreams", we know we're not looking at a Business School portfolio. And while most professional women try to embrace some semblance of looking like, uh, a professional woman, Maria opts to show off a frilly, pink, droopy tutu of sorts. Seriously, she loves this dress. She loves it so much that she even made it her site's wallpaper. Last time I checked, Donald Trump wasn't using a closeup of his slacks for his site's background. Of course, no site could ever be complete without a tagline. Maria's whimsical offering? "Not just an apprentice." That's right. Maria's a FIRED apprentice. Big difference guys.

Anyhoo, the Maria tour must go on; so let's mosey on over to About MARIA. This page brings new sources for mockery. Ever the designer chameleon, Maria now stares us down with a look that seems to say "Hi, I'm a tough business woman, as evidenced by my look which says 'Hi, I'm a tough business woman.'" Buttoned up in a no-nonsense robin's egg suit, Maria looks like she might just strangle herself with a string of pearls, which would be unfortunate because very few people can rock the little boy haircut the way she can. I suppose there's some sort of Boren sybolism going on there. The pearls are like the male chauvinist corporate world, and Maria is caught in the middle, ready to liberate herself with a triumphant battlecry of "GIVE ME SEXY OR GIVE ME DEATH!" Or maybe she just thought the pearls were really pretty.

A blurb to the right describes the journey of Maria:

Maria, like most Americans, is a product of her environment. Having grown up with a driven, full-time working mother that completed her Masters Degree in a city 30 miles from where the family lived with two children under the age of 5 and a father that commuted to the next city for work, Maria & her brother learned what it meant to have a strong work ethic at a very young age.

One thing Maria apparently didn't learn at a very young age: SHORT SENTENCES.

Sigh.

Apparently Maria has taken it upon herself to impart wonderful words of wisdom as to how she got so far in life (ie. fired from a reality show). Her first lesson: One's business life should be about balance. Um, okay. And apparently one's business life should also be about vague notions as well. Maria's second piece of advice is that one's business life should be about "freaking yourself out." So in Maria's case, that would mean sitting on her designer suit for more than ten seconds.

Maria's other daily goals are to

• Learn somthing new
• Look for challenges/opportunities
• Do something that scares her
• Talk to a friend/acquaintance that has a trait she wants to emulate
• Pick the brain of an entrepreneur

In other words, Maria's daily goal is to be the most annoying co-worker EVER.

Now, Maria has a little section devoted to the charities she likes, and even a bastard like me won't tear apart the minutae there, but she did supply a curious story with this section:

"Early one morning just after the Easter holiday, we received a phone call. Unfortunately, this was a call that we hope you and your family never have to receive. Our nephew was playing at a friend's home when he was in an accident involving fire and gasoline. We are happy to report that our nephew, Alex, is a well-adjusted kid with a bright future."

Uh, no offense to Alex or his family, but did we miss something here? You can't just tease us like that, Maria. We want details!!! Fire and gasoline - there's got to be a story. That's like saying "One day my friend was in an accident involving bullets and Estelle Getty. He's fine now though."

Posted by B-side on November 30, 2004 1:04 PM