MAXIM-IZE Your 15 Minutes of Shame - 
by madeyoulaugh
It is an impressive transformation, true. But, let us not go praising her work-out regime, diet and hair relaxer quite yet. Brilliant make-up wardrobe and airbrushing can go quite far. Don’t believe me? Equally as amazing transformations have taken place before, and inspired by Aerosmith's lyric "Dude look like a lady" I have found my proof. Knowing a young man named Paul can make this TRANsition....
Lastly, but certainly not least, we have Pamela. When executives for magazines known for fantasies, sexuality and youth brainstormed to come up with pictorial participants, it was only a matter of time before Pamela's name came up. I would have expected it to come up by a drunken, sarcastic, possibly disgruntled executive, but no. Here it is. In a move which made me thrilled that Madeline Albright wasn't on The Apprentice, Maxim executives decided any vaginally laden Apprentice candidate would qualify for the spread. Even if they carry spare change, not in their purses, but in their eye bags. Even if they have jowls that would inspire Droopy Dog to suggest a lift. Even if they have the overall demeanor of a line backer, no woman will be left un-whored.
If Tom Hanks can meet Nixon, if Smiegle can quest for a ring, and if Nemo can be found, then I don't know why I am in such shock that Pamela can be "look-at-able." There is so much wrong with this photo though, it's hard to know what to point out, and what is so blatant it would just insult the reader. To begin, what’s with the face? They brushed more bags than Jenna Jameson's tongue in an orgy. It doesn't even look like a photo but rather a painting. You can even see the clear line of where the airbrushing fades above her clavicle right around where her double parallel turkey neck begins to be exposed. I do appreciate her maintaining her business professionalism by wearing a business blazer. A true professional. She definitely has ample chest moons, but the authenticity of those come into question when you notice the "shine" which gives them their fullness shares and eerie similarity to the "shine" on her cheeks and forehead. Very airbrush looking. Now glance down and notice her waste line. Its thinner then her head. I smell doctored. Perhaps the least impressive and most distracting sell out moment of the whole thing for me, are the panties with the thumb hook. Its less as if you are looking at a teen model posing and more as though you are looking at a ripplingly old single mother trying to stay connected to her daughter by being hip, meanwhile the Friday night panties are leaping out, gasping for some fresh air. On the plus side, Maxim does answer the age long question, "What would Murphy Brown look like if she was a classy Jenny Jones guest?"
God bless Candace Bergen Humor.
She's officially a punch line.
It's unclear what these women’s motivations where in posing for this spread. If they expect it to do wonders for their celebrity careers, their just kidding themselves. In two weeks they will be as relevant as Vicky The Robot. If they expect to maintain integrity in the business world...I'm sorry, that should read "obtain integrity," my bad....I don’t think this is the best method to do so. Though I suppose it depends on what business field they want to accell; because the more I look at these photos the more I do give credit that they all look like working girls. Bachelor parties in Arkansas LOOK OUT!
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Comments
Ooh, terribly sorry to inform you, but Sandy won't be available to cut the ribbon at the bar with sawdust on the floor. According to Ivana, Sandy is cutting the ribbon at a bar with peanut shells on the floor. After that, Sandy will be promptly returned to her cage with newspapers on the floor.
Posted by: flush it all away | December 13, 2004 11:10 PM(#1 of 19)
i think i remember reading in page 6 that Jen C. used to work for Maxim, which would explain the extra photo and the extra love from the airbrush doctor. anyone who caught the shape of her ass under that conveniently sashed-around-the-waist terry robe on the beach out at denise rich's garish manse in the hamptons knows she is truly a thinly disguised fatty. rumor also has it that jen c. made out with Raj--who also made out with Stacy R., who also made a pass at Anna Kournikova, Elizabeth, three German supermodels, and Robin the receptionist, so the term 'big fat slut' is oddly appropriate--a possible new line of work for Jen C. now that she's back on the street.
Posted by: jack | December 14, 2004 6:13 AM(#2 of 19)
That is one ugly layout! I'm sure it will further all their illustrious careers.
Maria looks like she's had some collagen injections to her lips, Jen C. and Stacie J. are unrecognizable and not in a good way, Sandy looks like a cheap street whore and Pamela's pic looks like they placed her head on another body-- couldn't they at least have airbrushed her a CHIN. Her head appears smaller then her ample bosom.
Thankfully they showed some restraint and didn't include Stacy R. as one of the pack or it could have entered the netherworld of child porn.
Posted by: Retroqueen | December 14, 2004 6:52 AM(#3 of 19)
actually, they DID include Stay R., just not in the way you'd think. The whole photo shoot took place inside her enormous, flaring nostrils.
Posted by: flush it all away | December 14, 2004 7:48 AM(#4 of 19)
The real crime in all this is that Elizabeth didn't pose....or that other big chested finalist.
No, really.
:(
Posted by: TV Gasm Jr. | December 14, 2004 9:58 AM(#5 of 19)
Why are you saying Sandy looks like she is from a trailer park? I think she is pretty. She kind of reminds me of myself in a way. Just out of curiosity, what kind of gals do you go for madeyoulaugh? I thought they were all good looking for the most part and I'm a girl. Do you prefer ladies who don't get scantily clad in magazines or something?
Posted by: Lisa | December 14, 2004 11:30 AM(#6 of 19)
Okay,
When I first saw the photo I said to myself, who are those two girls? There weren't any black women in apprentice and the other (Jen C.) I thought was really pretty. I thought maybe they were reality stars from some show I wasn't watching. Okay, I really had forgotten all about Stacie and she's even someone I have seen in my office recently, so I'd say it's a safe bether 15 minutes are over. Second, I thought Jen had a nice J Love Hewitt look to her and has obviously lost a ton of weight, which is obvious especially in her neck and face. You guys are mean. As for the rest. Girls are dumb.
Posted by: smithie | December 14, 2004 12:01 PM(#7 of 19)
go home smithie
Posted by: wendy | December 14, 2004 1:46 PM(#8 of 19)
Did anyone else notice how stiff Pamela looks in the group photo. Maybe Tyra Banks should have given her some pointers on how to pose.
Posted by: pixies_rock_girl | December 14, 2004 1:55 PM(#9 of 19)
didn't Pam used to be known as Pete?
Posted by: Hmmmmm | December 14, 2004 3:46 PM(#10 of 19)
Pamela's not a model. She's a beanpole. Wonder what she thought when she saw those boobs. I don't care what kind of gel-filled, squeeze-latched bra they used. Not even gaffer's tape could turn her flat chest into that.
I wonder what Carolyn thought of this.
Posted by: Lady J | December 14, 2004 3:55 PM(#11 of 19)
I don't get it. Maria looks totally different in the maxim pics. Take note she's more Romulan than Vulcan, as seen in the boardroom. Either way, looks damn good in stilettos(same for Jen).
Either way, I'd hit it. Pamela looks 45.
Posted by: British | December 14, 2004 6:35 PM(#12 of 19)
Maria does nothing for me. Maybe it's the boy haircut. Or the spazmatic eyes. How she's on the edge of a murderous rampage, like she's going to rip Sandy to shreds with her bare hands. Either way, that girl freaks me out.
Jenn C looks like my mom with that haircut, and I'm 35. Stacie J looks good, what can I say? Sandy looks worse than she did on the show. Yet another unwise move for Sandy. And Pam looks like my grandmother. Her face has the same plastic quality as the fake fish on display at sushi restaurants. Send her airbrusher back to art school.
Too bad they didn't include Elizabeth. She was the only really cute one in the bunch. Thank God they avoid Stacy "The Troll" R and Ivana. Blech!
Posted by: yousuckdotcom | December 14, 2004 11:26 PM(#13 of 19)
pamela had a boob job, which was reported in the "news" someplace, maybe pagesix or something. i think it was her divorce or something. anyway, that's why her boobs look like maxim taped grapefruits to her chest and covered them with makeup and olive oil.
Posted by: julie | December 15, 2004 8:51 AM(#14 of 19)
Notice no Ivana... she'd have had to pay Maxim.
Posted by: karen | December 15, 2004 2:54 PM(#15 of 19)
damn, Stacie J. is 1 fine azz honey! "caramel coloured, long legged, ass cheek exposing, dream" FOR REALS!!!1!!! Sandy lokks pretty hot. deys did dey best wit Pamela. but da other 2 ladiez ret 4 da dog pound!!
Posted by: Ananda Fan | December 15, 2004 3:55 PM(#16 of 19)
Re: Stacie J.
Two words: hair extensions.
Posted by: flush it all away | December 16, 2004 5:21 AM(#17 of 19)
Nice acticle.
Posted by: gucci watch | December 18, 2004 1:09 AM(#18 of 19)
Nice acticle.
Posted by: sell structured settlement | December 19, 2004 11:29 PM(#19 of 19)