The Neverending Story - 
by B-side
Memo to NBC: Never ever EVER do that again.
After weeks and weeks of entertaining, campy, and often exciting episodes of The Apprentice, NBC did what it does best: killed it. Yes, the network supersized, inflated, bloated, expanded, and stretched out what should have been a tight, intense finale into a hollow, boring three hour marathon full of such stall-worthy moments as a musical interlude from The O.J.'s and a cameo appearance by Sugar Ray Leonard to tout his DOA reality offering, "The Contender". It was a less than thrilling attempt by Jeff Zucker & Co. to fill out the Must Not See TV slate currently occupied by laugh-free sitcoms Joey and Will & Grace, and to that end, I suppose this puffed up version of The Apprentice did offer more entertainment than those sitcoms. But still, I feel like I've emerged about five years older, and I'm not sure, but I think I have a lovely collection of bed sores to boot.
Anyway, let's rev up the time machine and head back a few presidential elections ago to when this finale started off. (For those of you unfamiliar with sarcasm, fear not. You did not in fact miss any elections.)
Our trip back in time started off with, well, a trip back in time. As is the case with most reality finales, we endured through a delightful "Here's what you missed while you were watching CSI, jackasses" montage of the season. I alternately zoned out and reminisced during this time, but at about the ten minute mark, I was ready to stuff a sock into Trump's mouth and shout "Stop yelling at me! I'm sensitive!" When the montage was over, we returned to last week's cliffhanger which featured Jenn dealing with Chris Webber (yes, the guy who was super popular... kind of... nine years ago) who had bailed last minute on her event. There really wasn't much that Jenn could do beyond informing his assistant that he had bailed and he would have to live with that on his conscience... forever! Cut to sixty years from now and Chris Webber on his deathbed. His family circles around him, asks him if he has anything left he wants to say: "Yes. I bailed on Jenn from The Apprentice 2. It's weighed on my conscience ever since then. Please, don't let me go to hell!" Sadly, he winds up in hell. Sorry, Jenn's a pretty powerful woman.
Over on Kelly's team, his bumbling employees John and Raj grappled with the complex task of gift bag assembly. Raj in particular didn't seem to understand how it worked. It's a difficult task, I must admit. I mean, not only do you have to put items in a bag, but you got to make sure that, uh, you don't turn the bag upside down and spill everything out? Okay, Raj is an idiot. Kelly kept a watchful eye on Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum and they stuffed the bags, and I'm surprised he didn't add: "Why don't we put little spreadsheets in the bags. Everyone loves those!" Kelly then stroked his Microsoft Excel CD and whispered "Nothing comes between us. Nothing."
Unfortunately, with ADD descending upon John and Raj, they were left with nothing to do except bust out a bottle of wine and drink the night away. This led to a goofy cardboard molestation where it appeared that the two guys were showering themselves with the remnants of an unlucky gift bag. As the two giggled, I couldn't help wondering if maybe there had been a little doobie action on the polo fields. You know Carolyn was all over that.
Speaking of Carolyn, the poor lady was stuck out in the rain. When interviewing her about Kelly's performance, the producers placed her in the middle of a downpour with nothing but a cheap umbrella to keep her golden coif fluffy and dry. Were there no dry areas? Was the Greenwich Country Club afraid an overhang might attract Jews and Blacks?
Meanwhile, desktop publishing reared its ugly head as the Achilles heal for both Jenn and Kelly. Instead of spending valuable time strategizing for the next morning or getting some much needed sleep, Jenn was up to the wee hours printing out signs and what I can only imagine were hate letters to Chris Webber (Sample letter: "Dear Chris, I hate you. I carry a knife in my blonde helmet. I intend to use it on you if we ever meet. I will never forget. Never."). Kelly and Elizabeth meanwhile spent a good portion of the night searching for a Kinkos in Connecticut. What started out as a simple task became incredibly more taxing as the two instantly became stuck in a never ending construction cone loop. At least that's how it looked since every time Kelly expressed anxiety, we cut to the same footage of the van driving by the cones (apparently not all loop dwellers were as lucky as Kelly. One poor sap wound up crashed on the side of the road. Carolyn SO wouldn't approve). Elizabeth was of no use to Kelly during this experience as she merely sat in the back seat and seemed absorbed in the powers of her laptop. I sort of feared a Poltergeist moment, but if some ghost popped out of the computer screen, I'm sure Kelly would have just delegated it to making gift bags. Worst haunting EVER.
While the Fellowship of the Kinkos trekked into White Plains, John and Raj struggled with the always challenging task of sign moving. The two had some billboard-sized Genworth presentation that they managed to destroy as they hauled it across the polo field. When it became apparent that this endeavor had become a huge failure, the two resigned to discuss the various critters of the night, ultimately playing a semi "Name that tune" for geese and frogs. How Trump could fire these guys is beyond me.
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