Eventually the event got underway. An announcer introduced the various NBA players, and after about three or four, we cut to Pamela stepping onto the court. Whoa, was she going to play? I mean, I know she's tall, but that's crazy! Actually, she was just on court to hand over a microphone to David Stern. That wasn't nearly as exciting. Nevertheless, the event seemed to be going well. While Trump watched the basketball, Jenn attended to several different tasks behind the scenes. Several times she told Pamela to alert Trump about a VIP reception, something Pamela was more than happy to do. Or actually not do. Before we knew it, Trump zipped out of the event (although not before a few more high fives and silly gestures by the chopper) and flew off to Greenwich. Um, Pamela, I think the point was to tell him about the reception in person, not by telekinesis.

Meanwhile, over at the WASPy event, Kelly was dilly-dallying, much to Carolyn's chagrin. "I'd say you should run," she said, referring to his need to greet guests. Kelly nodded and then returned to his laptop to fiddle with this spreadsheet once again. Can't... leave... spreadsheet. "Don't listen to the mean lady. You know it's just me and you," Kelly said to his spreadsheet. "I love you too, spreadsheet. No, I already told you. You don't look fat. You're beautiful."

Unfortunately, Kelly's dedication to The Donald's seating arrangements wasn't as thorough as his devotion to his laptop. Trump and Carolyn were presented with three nasty chairs which were broken, dirty, and — send the kids out of the room for this one — not lined up correctly. Kelly tried to smooth things over by offering them complimentary spreadsheets (okay okay, he gave them clean chairs, not spreadsheets), but the damage had been done.

Chair mishaps be damned, Kelly's event went off without a hitch. I personally was expecting a Trump/Milania reenactment of the famous Pretty Woman scene at the polo match, but alas, Trump did not indiscreetly admit that his fiancé might be a prostitute. Eventually, Donald departed on his helicopter, and we all breathed a sigh of relief knowing that the event was over. Oh shit, no, it wasn't. Tony Bennett still had to sing, and even worse, our favorite Upper East Side college dropout had some bad news to deliver: Chris Webber had trashed the party tent! No, that wasn't it. Instead Chris Brandt informed Kelly that the clubhouse and bathroom were a mess, and Tony Bennett had to change there. "I don't have the staff to clean a bathroom," he said. "I'm from the Upper East Side, man! We don't do things like 'clean up after ourselves.'" With a janitorial controversy brewing, the team got to work scrubbing and cleaning and unclogging.

Tony Bennett eventually arrived with only a shade less bombast than Trump. Raj was quick to shake his hand, and I honestly wish he had said "Just so you know, I just stuck my hand down a shit-clogged toilet. So you might want to wash up after this." Anyway, easy going Tony Bennett was fine with the accommodations and before long he was up on stage, crooning to all the blue bloods. One old lady was about a shimmy away from throwing her bra on stage as she happily waved her arms back and forth, but aside from her, the audience simply soaked in the evening and quietly wondered who had the best wide brimmed hat.

The Wasps come marching one by one, hoorah hoorah...

Around this time we had a TVgasm break where the assembled viewers questioned who had the more difficult task. The unanimous decision was Jenn because she not only had more prima donnas to deal with, but also more corporate sponsors (NBA, XBOX) as well. Luckily, the lack of Jessica Simpsons leveled the playing ground to some degree this year.

Upon return from the commercial break, Kelly babbled a little about Rudyard Kipling (reality TV is no place to be quoting poetry, Kelly) and then Jenn assessed why Kelly was unfit for the job. Yawn. Suddenly it was boardroom time (finally) and as the overbearing music informed us, this was going to be a big one. Somewhere Mark Burnett was thinking "More timpani. We need more TIMPANI!!!"

Kelly and Jenn descended to the boardroom lobby where wallflower extraordinaire Robin greeted the finalists. What's the deal Robin? It's possibly your last time on camera for the season and you couldn't dress up? How are you ever going to make an impression?? Well, I'll tell you who did make an impression: Stacy R., who opted for a sunglass-inducing hot pink suit for her return to the board room. Before Jenn or Kelly could face the boardroom, Trump grilled their co-workers on the last challenge to see who was the better leader. Stacy took a very supportive stance for Jenn, although her fidgeting in her chair made me wonder if she was going to say "Excuse me one moment while I adjust my booster seat." Eventually, Stacy laid down the law as she said "Jenn's your man." I would have liked some follow through on that statement. You know, like "Jenn's your man, because Kelly's her bitch." I think that would have gone over well.

Ultimately, the six employees were loyal to their leaders, even despite personal differences (Raj admitted that he didn't even like Kelly). Trump thanked everyone by saying how wonderful they were and how special and talented a group of people they were. Then everyone shuffled out as Carolyn gave a look that seemed to say "Wow, they really suck."

Posted by B-side on December 17, 2004 4:04 AM