Back to Business - 
by B-side
It's been one month since the last season of The Apprentice wrapped up, and wouldn't you know it, the live finale is still going on. Okay, maybe it's not, but in our minds, that long, stultifying episode continues to replay as we remember endless audience participation, random Ojay's singing, and Trump's Chief Operating Officer completely losing it on live TV. Was this the end for The Apprentice? It left such a sour taste in everyone's mouth that to return to the trough almost felt like a chore.
Well, thank goodness last night's season premiere was back on point. I don't know how I could have dealt had one of my favorite reality shows gone down in flames. We knew we were back in the comforting hands of Mark Burnett as the first images of Trump's helicopter filled the screen. With Killer Tracks blazing in the background ("dunh, dunh, DUNH!!!"), we gazed upon the formidable New York City skyline and entered a semi-meditative state — until The Donald bellowed out "New York City: I love this town!" Welcome back, Apprentice. Welcome back.
Donald spent the first few minutes babbling about the show and its contestants and his empire. In a very Alcoholics Anonymous moment, he said "My name is Donald Trump. You know everything about me." So apparently we know everything about him, but his name?
Nevertheless, the whipping boys and girls all descended upon New York City in various forms of transport, from JetBlue (what are the odds that there's a JetBlue task later?) to subway, from taxi to bus, from space shuttle to covered wagon. One plucky guy stepped on a city bus and announced "My first time in New York!" I'm sure the driver really cared. Cut to Harry Nilsson's "Everybody's Talkin'" playing as the newbie slowly descends into a life of male prostitution with his new friend, Ratso Rizzo.
But this show isn't really about the apprentice-wannabes. It's about Trump and all things Trump. That's why we returned to The Donald as he emerged from his helicopter with the help of what seemed to be a body double of some sort. Honestly, the guy had the same build, bad hair, and an identical suit. I half expected Trump to say "This is my mildly retarded brother, Howie. He holds the door open for me. Maybe you can too... on The APPRENTICE!" Instead, Donald headed to Trump Towers where he was greeted by a random (read: paid) mob of fans. As he waded through the followers, one middle-aged gentleman pulled a Howard Dean and yelled "YEAH!!!!" as he flung his fist in the air. Sadly, with the high point in his life passed, this Willy Loman-esque character ambled down to the East River and killed himself.
Anyway, Trump ushered in the opening credits with an ostentatious aerial shot that seemed to say "Whoosh! Marvel at the speed of business!!" We soon met a handful of the candidates, including this season's bow tie jerk, Bren, who said "I'm a little man with a big mouth." He then added, "Big mouth and... well, a little penis. Just... just leave." There was also Angie who sported a stewardess-chic neck scarf that I feared may also have been load-bearing. That thing was so tightly wound and omnipresent, I thought her head might roll right off her neck, lest the scarf come undone.
There was also faux-trendy Erin whose most notable qualities were the two black draperies on her head that she might call hair. Erin has a soft, Grace Slick look that probably would have translated to a lucrative career as an album cover model in the 1960s. Whenever I look at her, I can't help but envision psychedelic patterns blue screened behind her. According to her NBC bio, she dreams of one day opening up her own lawfirm by women for women. You know, it's great that someone finally patterned their life around cancelled CBS drama "Family Law."
After the contestants met with Trump, everyone zipped up to the loft which had been unfortunately given an Extreme Makeover: Suck Edition. Apparently NBC had let loose some talentless Thom Felcia fan as the once colorful loft had been transformed into a 1980s striped and checkered nightmare, complete with its own set of Oscars. Still, that didn't stop Tana from masturbating over the kitchen as she exclaimed "A dream kitchen!!" She then bubbled over upon finding a wayward missive, as she squealed "Oooh! Should we read the card?" Note to self: never take Tana to Hallmark.
Teams split up into Book Smarts vs. Street Smarts, and off the bat, there were some clear differences between the two. One team was loud and brash while the other was refrained and pansyish. Wanna take a guess at how it broke down? With the Street Smarts people (a.k.a. "high school"), we had stocky pitbull Brian filling in the role of typical New Yawka, and John, the self-proclaimed "schmoe" from Tampa, stepping up as the resident logician. "We're gonna win because we got nothing to lose!" he explained. Apparently "dignity" and "professional reputation" are just merely annoyances.
On the college side of the loft, we had Danny. Oh Danny. Not only did he show up wearing a red leisure suit, but this skinny Michael Moore sported a guitar that was well overdue for some John Belushi bashing. Danny quickly anointed himself CMO - that's "Chief Moral Officer". His duty: to keep spirits up and the team thinking positively. Cut to my stomach churning with visions of trust falls and corporate retreats. Sure enough, the CMO attacked swiftly, causing this group of college educated buffoons to yell out their new slogan, "UNBELIEVABLE!" Um, are they selling washing machines? They sound like a local commercial for some appliance store in New Hampshire. I'll name their business "Unbelievable Sal's: where the prices are UNBELIEVABLE!"
"I got my blender for $20 less than Sears. UNBELIEVABLE!"
Okay, I'll stop.
UNBELIEVABLE!
Sorry.
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