Like any good Apprentice episode, last night's show kicked off with the usual predictions of who would be returning from the boardroom. Did I mention that these guesses are always wrong? Mark Burnett just loves making these young professionals look like absolute morons. This week's idiot in the spotlight was Bren (which is short for Brent, but long for Ben) who surmised that Danny would be taking the long cab ride home (or at least to Starbucks for a gig). Of course, Bren was way off as Danny marched right back into the suite with fellow survivor Alex. The loft burst into jubilee, with many of the women screeching "AhhhHHHH!!!!" Why were they so excited? Did they not expect to see anyone come back? I can just imagine Tana pulling Erin aside and saying "I thought if you get brought back to the boardroom, they shoot you in the head." To which Erin, of course, would say "Stop touching my bathroom rug."

Knowing that he had just barely snuck by, Danny knew it was time to ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh oooh Get a New Attitude! The next morning, he dressed like Patti LaBelle. Wait, no. That's not right. Okay, no more singing during posts. Anyway, Danny did wake up early to hit the treadmill and then later don a sharp power suit. Va va va voom! Sorry Rhona. Looks like we got a new Swan on our hands.

Moments later, we rejoined Donald Trump who was ever so spontaneously perambulating through the lobby of his hotel. He paused to sign an autograph and — wait, no. That's not a fan. That's a worker. "How's business?" he asked. This is our best year ever, chirped the woman who may very well have been Mary Lou Retton's long lost cousin. "You better have your best year ever!" Donald responded. Wow, that was pretty rough Donald. She's only the valet.

After this little completely unscripted interchange, Trump addressed the groups. Net Worth and Magna were to take over two motels over the next two days. They'd be given a budget of $20,000 to renovate and run the business. Guests would arrive on the second day, stay over night, participate in a few drug stings, maybe kill a hooker and dispose of it, and then finally fill out a survey on Yahoo! Local.

Brian, the short bowling ball of Net Worth, volunteered to be project manager. Why? "I'm in 'real estate'" he said, (skeptical quotes added by me). Brian also has experience in "waste management", "construction" and "racketeering" - uh - I mean, "badminton". Amazingly enough, former pro-wrestler Chyna was not so happy with Brian's position as leader. Oh wait. Did I say Chyna? I meant Kristen. The two of them could be sisters. Or brothers. Or... tranny-doubles. It's just odd, okay? And as long as I'm piping up about similarities, did anyone else notice Brian's uncanny resemblance to Goombas, the Super Mario Bros. bad guys? Honestly, there was no pun intended.

Net Worth eventually arrived at their motel in Seaside Height, NJ. "It's so cuuuute!" purred the girls. Yay! Awnings! That enthusiasm quickly died down as the team explored the various motel rooms. People immediately ranked all the detractions of the property: there was mildew, there were funky odors, dirty carpets, nasty walls, and bugs in the sink. But what no one seemed to give a rat's ass about was that there were NO BEDS! Mmm yeah. Sort of an important, nay, essential part of any guest's overnight stay.

Completely repulsed by the motel, Audrey immediately arranged for a dumpster to come by so everyone could toss anything that looked bug-ridden, pee-stained, or dead-hookerish. Chyna, er, Kristen piped up to suggest Brian create a budget before renting out a dumpster, but the spherical PM rejected the idea. The dumpster is life! What was Kristen to do except lick her wounds and unleash some clumsy passive aggressiveness: "I don't do business that way," she stated, "but that's fine." In fact, she was so fine with it that she repeated the line over and over again. "I don't do business that way, but that's fine." "I've had a lot of experience with this, but that's fine." "You are a huge idiot and I hate you and I think you're worthless and you're going to screw up this entire challenge... but that's fine."

With Net Worth off to a stellar start, we cut away for commercial and then returned to The Donald preaching about how leaders must earn respect. This ideal was personified by none other than Annika Sorenstam. Huh? Yeah, I don't get it either. As The Donald babbled from his golden throne, we watched footage of him hitting the links with Ms. Sorenstam. "Nice shot," he said in his signature drawl. Yes, Mr. Trump. She IS a professional.

Anyway, this non sequitur of a segment gave way to team Magna arriving at its motel for the first time. Under the aegis of project manager Michael, the college grads had a startlingly similar reaction to the motel as Net Worth had to theirs: "It so cute!!!" Okay, let's get one thing straight. Motels are not cute. Especially ones in Jersey. They can be retro, they can be cool, they can be quaint, but they are never cute. Unless it's like a puppy motel. In that case, they're just darling!

Posted by B-side on January 28, 2005 12:53 PM