Of course, at the outset of the episode, there was no indication that things would be heading into pornville. We started with our usual prognostication of who would be fired. Erin convinced herself that belligerent teammate Michael would lose his exemption, but ScarfFace Angie had the smarter, more obvious insight: Team Magna is full of idiots. Who would take an exempt person into the boardroom? Such tomfoolery is deserving of a neck scarf strangulation.

Stephanie and Michael returned to the loft and almost immediately, Bren began lecturing his formerly exempt teammate. Listening to this guy berate, it doesn't surprise me at all to find out he's a district attorney from the South. I'm only surprised he didn't come from the 1920s. He looked about one bead of sweat away from the cast of O Brother, Where Art Thou? Nevertheless, a repentant Michael Tarshi apologized to his team and receded into the shadows with his tail between his legs. If you prick a Tarshi, does it not bleed??

The next morning, Rhona called bright and early. Clearly rejuvenated by the bottle of Trump Ice by her side (pause as I hold up a bottle and smile at the camera), Rhona alerted a bedraggled and haggardly Tana to round up the troops and stand by the suite's plasma TV. We knew it was American Idol season because she ended the call by shouting "Rhona out!"

With everyone showered and dressed, the teams congregated in front of the television where Trump appeared with a message. "I'm heading over to my helicopter," he informed them, adding "I have a busy afternoon of pretending to be somewhere." Nevertheless, The Donald announced that he had a "Uge" project for the candidates. "Dove. Cool. Moisture," he said, giving each word a careful, Wheel-Of-Fortune-esque emphasis. Apparently Donnie Deutsch (or Donnie Douche, as I like to call him) would be returning to judge marketing campaigns for the skin care line. But here's the catch: teams would each have to make a 30 second short film. Studio space, talent, equipment, and craft service would all be taken care of. Basically, the only thing teams needed to do was come up with an idea and shoot it. The project seemed like a fun one, and even Angie smiled, despite apparently being tied to the wall with her neck scarf.

Erin, who's looking increasingly like the girl from The Grudge, volunteered to be project manager of Magna while Kristen, who's looking increasingly like the girl from the Ladies Rogaine commercial (before, not after), became PM of Net Worth. In Adams Family terms, it was sort of like the battle of Cousin It versus Uncle Fester.

She carries a grudge... and a mean set of Uggz

I'm still a little fuzzy as to why Erin clamored for the leadership position, but Kristen boasted that her boyfriend was a director, and therefore, by osmosis, she was most qualified for this task. Of course, having a boyfriend as a director might only help if the guy had any sort of talent, but after having judged his untitled opus (which I'll name "Dumb Woman Can't Act"), I think it was clear that Kristen would not be bringing anything to the table beyond a vague notion of what a camera looks like.

Over at Team Magna, the college kids had a difficult time conjuring up an appropriate marketing campaign for Dove. Well, we know how that old saying goes: when all else fails, give a woman a cucumber and let the guys go off for butt sex. You never heard that? Huh. Well, Bren came up with the brilliant idea of staging the very un-Dove-like story of a woman suggestively rubbing a cucumber for a male chef... who would then walk away with a hunky waiter. Um, so the message is "Ladies, if you use Dove, you'll make men gay"? Sounds like a kind of drastic rebranding.

Amazingly, the entire team was pro-phallus, and Bren's softcore idea suddenly graduated from afternoon fantasy to future marketing disaster. Michael, eager to win back the favor of his teammates, offered up one of the best pep-talk lines in reality history when he boldly urged "Let's make this vegetable porno the best vegetable porno we can possibly make — with a gay twist!" RAAAAHHH!!!! Oddly enough, a stadium full of people started chanting "Ru-dy! Ru-dy! Gay twist! Ru-dy!"

Over at Net Worth, Kristen reminded everyone once again that her boyfriend is a director. We've yet to see a list of credits for this mysterious Spielberg in the making, but that might have to do more with the IMDb not accepting titles such as "Me and Kristen Doing It In The Kitchen." John, who's quickly becoming the superstar of Net Worth, came up with a fairly entertaining idea for the short film: A guy running a marathon takes a cup of water from a bystander and splashes it on his face. Then someone throws him the Dove lotion, and then more water, and then a towel, and by the time he reaches the finish line, he looks fresh and rejuvenated. It's not an award winning pitch, but considering some of the other past Big Ideas to come from Apprentice candidates (Crustacean Nation, the Pepsi globe bottle, capelets), it wasn't half bad. Still, the lack of a cucumber and a gay subtext had me concerned.

Posted by B-side on February 11, 2005 2:51 PM