Over at Magna, casting for the Cinemax pilot presentation was in full swing as Erin perused an assortment of headshots. Upon finding a particularly hunky specimen, Erin devolved into a horny mess. "Whoa, look at those aaaaabs!" she exclaimed, adding: "Hold back my bangs so I can see better!" Later Erin outlined a plan to wrap the model up in her flowing locks, ensnaring him in a mangy cocoon of hair. "He will be my papoose, and I will be his Earth Mother," she then declared, tenting her fingers purposefully.

After a careful (READ: shoddy) screening process, Erin hired a sickly actor, a nondescript actress, and said Abs-of-Steel model who, if memory serves me, was most recently seen on Average Joe: Hawaii.

Nevertheless, the talent (if they can be called that. Maybe "carbon life forms" would be more appropriate) arrived at 4 pm, two full hours prior to Magna's arrival. The actors seemed bored, and the one frail guy appeared to be losing a battle with tuberculosis, but as struggling actors in New York City will tell you, a gig is a gig. As long as there's moolah at the end of the day, it's all gravy dude.

WELL, not for Bitchy McDivaFart. This actress did NOT like having the wrong call time. She waited two hours — TWO HOURS — for Erin to show. That's 120 minutes she could have spent not making money on a national TV show. To think, this poor, unknown actress had to sit around without direction while Oprah was on. That's abuse! Meanwhile, across America, viewers pondered "Is this woman even famous?" Hmmm... last time I checked, this bland, sure-to-have-a-short-career actress was not, in fact, Nicole Kidman. So why was she having a tantrum? Um... because she's an idiot? Yeah, that seems to work.

Anyway, the finicky actress finally proved her worth as a reality star by making an empty threat for the sole purpose of attracting attention. "I'm 90% sure I'm leaving," she warned everyone. And I'm 90% sure you're an absolute moron (10% of me thinks she's just a performance artist. Actually, that would make her 100% moron. Zinger!) I liked how this woman thought she had any leverage on Magna. But then again, if they had to replace her at the last minute, that could be a problem. After all, it's not like NYC is known for its teeming masses of unemployed actresses trying to make it big on Broadway - whatever that is.

Well, it was clear that "90%" comment really meant "I'm saying I'm gonna leave, but I'll leave the door open for some ass kissing." Enter Bren, Southern ass-kisser extraordinaire. The gentleman took one for the team as he swallowed his pride and apologized greatly to the actress. Suddenly Raquel Belch melted and became 100% sure that she'd stay for the whole shoot. Yay shallow actresses!

After the commercial break, Trump appeared to give his standard business lesson. "Never settle," he commanded. The Donald launched into an attack on mediocrity which was illustrated by... a backhoe clawing at an overhang? Huh. That doesn't really make any sense. I half expected Trump to yell, "Now that's a backhoe! No mediocrity there!" A mediocre backhoe then wheeled away, sadly muttering "He used to love me most."

Speaking of mediocre, Net Worth was in mid-meltdown. Kristen made the bonehead decision to send John off to compose music with Craig — aka the black guy who never says anything — which meant the guy who created the entire concept of the commercial wasn't even around to assist the execution. Tana meanwhile tended to the models, which meant she could say "All righty!" and "You have a good day now!" a few more times.

As a director, Kristen was pretty much as useless as a toddler with a Handicam. She had an obligatory Orson Welles moment as she demanded more sweat, dammit! GIVE ME SWEATY OR GIVE ME DEATH! Mini drama ensued as Tana feared the actors' makeup would run. Just spray, goddammit!!! bellowed Kristen.

And now a TVgasm production tip: to make an actor look like he's sweaty without having to re-apply water every ten seconds, cover his face with a thin layer of vaseline first. The water beads and the makeup doesn't run. Amazing!

Unhappy with her team's commercial was Angie, who was just about ready to throw in the towel, er, neck scarf. We're supposed to be thinking outside the box, she complained, finally concluding "This is the box!" Insert vagina joke here.

Over at Magna, Erin decided to give Average Joe dude a sponge bath. She later admitted that the scene would never make it to the commercial, but that didn't stop her from nearly drooling all over the stud, occasionally adding "Mama like! Mama like!" Later, Carolyn stopped by to oversee the all important cucumber scene. Needless to say, she did her patented eye-bulging routine. You know the one I'm talking about: the look that says "I'm shocked at your stupidity, offended by your immaturity, and disgusted by your performance... but I'll just stand over here quietly."

The next day, teams tackled the arduous task of post-production. Jonathan made the shocking discovery that Kristen had completely sapped all the humor from his idea by dropping the campy approach and going for a literal "Body Wash makes you run marathons better" message. "I wasn't going for funny," Kristen snipped, adding "I was going for more of a Chariots of Fire meets Pulp Fiction thing." Huh? How could she NOT go for funny? Oh, that's right. She's an IDIOT.

Posted by B-side on February 11, 2005 2:51 PM