We then cut away briefly to watch The Donald step out of a limo and into a helicopter. Well, it only took a day and a half to get there, but hey, better late than never. Back at Donnie Deusch's boardroom (he SO wants to be Donald), Erin and her team presented first. In a move that reeked of corporate creativity, she had everyone dress like chefs, despite the costume having no bearing on the Dove body wash itself. Donnie immediately chastened the team and told them to take off the goofy chef hats.

And so here it was. The moment of truth. How would this cucumber commercial turn out? Eh, not so well. In fact, it didn't even make any sense. The bum outside my office weaves more intelligible narratives (Yesterday, he had this great story about a bitch who wouldn't stop right there, even after he alerted her that hey, HEY! he was talking to her. In the end, he announced that he needed to get some pebbles and wanted to know what the hell I was looking at). Nevertheless, between the cheap sets, the low-budget music, the crappy camera work, and the cheesy editing, the spot achieved the lofty goal of making Debbie Does Dallas look Oscar worthy.

Up next was Net Worth, featuring Kristen and her puffy, white hat. Donnie immediately began lecturing the team by saying "You know, Kristen, I told you guys to stop wearing goofy hats. Oh wait, that's not a joke, is it? This is awkward."

Mama Mia! It's Chef Boyardee! Oh, wait. Just Kristen...

Anyway, Kristen's commercial debuted to underwhelming results. Taking a cue from Homer Simpson and his penchant for star wipes, Net Worth's spot was riddled with flashy transitions and visual effects. Just about the only thing missing was that effect where a cityscape zooms towards you and the next shot begins in the window of a skyscraper. Curiously enough, when the marathon runner applied the Dove body wash to his face (body wash on the face? Eh, that's just semantics!), we suddenly saw quick cuts of a sunflower, a cucumber, and a teapot boiling. Huh? Was this some auteur view inside the tortured psyche of the runner? Better yet was that after he smeared the gunk all over his face, the runner just sprinted to the finish line without washing it off. I suppose it was semen chic.

Later, Donnie consulted his two top executives. A woman whose name I've forgotten (I'll just call her Schnozz for the giant beak on her face) questioned Magna's approach. A man walks off with another man and leaves a woman with a cucumber? "I don't want that product, and I don't want my husband to have it either," she asserted, adding "He's swishy enough as it is. Let's not give him any ideas."

In the end, both teams sucked so badly that no winner was chosen. Wah wah wah. Back at the loft, Erin explained "We were like zombies: so disappointed." Is that a thing with zombies? They get disappointed? "Look at me. Eating brains. Is this what I've resorted to? Mother would be upset."

Similarly crestfallen was Kristen who crawled into bed and tried to forget it all. "I'm not used to hearing the words 'loser' and 'suck' come out of people's mouths about me," she said, "Unless, of course, it's a command." Alex meanwhile sat dejectedly on the couch, his hands firmly placed deep in his pockets. Looks like somebody's still dreaming about that cucumber...

The next day, everyone got all spiffed up for the first ever joint boardroom. Silent Craig even removed his braids and puffed out his Donovan McNabb fro for the occasion. Tana meanwhile played solitaire on the computer, even when Kristen was babbling to her about Audrey, who she apparently hates. Tana simply nodded her head politely, although it was clear here eyes were on the prize: that glorious moment when the solitaire cards cascade off the screen in victory. Tana LIVES for that.

In the boardroom, Trump finally got to see the notorious spots, and needless to say, he was angry. Carolyn, confused by Net Worth's approach, asked why they would show a guy use body wash without water. Kristen made up some lame excuse about not having time, but then eventually admitted the real reason: "We didn't exactly know how to use the product. At first we thought it was cheese spread. Craig's still feeling a little woozy..." Then she turned to Craig and said: "Sorry for forcing that down your throat." To which Craig simply gave the thumbs up signal.

Perhaps feeling a bit bored, troublemaker George decided to call on Chris to get his opinion on things. I don't get this guy. He's silent all episode, and then in the boardroom he explodes into a hellfire of anger. Where does he come from? True to form, Chris erupted with rage, attacking Magna for using unnecessary gay images. He then accused them of worshiping Say-Tan and yelled "Can you hear me Jesus? I say, can you HEAR me Jesus!!!"

Actually, that didn't happen, but Trump did ask "Are you not a homosexual?" To which Chris responded/bellowed "SIR, I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL!" Chris then followed up by shouting, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M YELLING ABOUT!" Seriously, what is going on in this boardroom?

Asked to respond to Chris's allegations, Erin shunned the logical "His points about homosexuality are irrelevant" in favor of a Jeff Zucker friendly approach: "Who watches Will & Grace, a show about GAY men? WOMEN!" Are they seriously having this debate? And which women buy products targeted for gay men? Oh never mind...

Posted by B-side on February 11, 2005 2:51 PM