This week's episode began a little differently than usual: for once the typical boardroom punditry turned out to be correct as everyone accurately predicted John's ouster. That's strange. Usually Mark Burnett enjoys displaying the candidates' uncanny ability to pick the wrong person going home. This time around though, we had lots of discussion about Erin. "He's not firing Erin," said Angie gravely. She later noted that "Erin is a contender," and that "she's quick as a whip." Hmmm... All this emphasis on Erin's great skills feels a little fishy to me. Nevertheless, Erin returned to the suite safe and sound, although considerably less bouncy than we had expected. After all, two weeks ago, the entire country saw Erin spastically charge into the suite as the front door closed behind her. Maybe the undulations of her celebration caused a sudden hair cyclone, blacking out all light sources and mandating a more subdued reshoot of her entrance. Either way, upon return, Erin boasted, "I do well in there [the Boardroom] because I don't lose my cool and I know how to speak like a rational human being." That's great. She's clearly getting fired. At least she'll go down stylishly though. Erin dazzled us with a green shawl that closely resembled what I'd always imagined Gumby would look like if he were flattened and then draped over a woman.

Erin is a fan of Gumby Chic

With the Apprentice-ites reveling in the post-Boardroom fallout, Erin, Stephanie, and Chris took to fooling around in the kitchen. "Stephanie has that not so fresh feeling!" squealed Erin, causing laughter all around. The camera then cut to Chris who chuckled with maniacal rage. I half expected him to yell "THAT WAS A VERY FUNNY JOKE! I FOUND THE HUMOR IN THAT COMMENT TO BE QUITE PLEASING!" Sadly, Chris remained quiet, although he did manage to snap a rabbit's neck. Don't really know where the rabbit came from.

After Erin concluded her brand of douche comedy, we then moved over to Magna where Craig was finally stepping up to be team leader. Before we even saw them though, the camera came to rest on a rack of free weights, surely in place for design purposes only. Needless to say, this cast isn't what we'd normally call "physically fit" or "well toned" or "displaying any inclination towards exercise whatsoever." I think it's safe to say that Craig and Bren are no Kwame and Troy.

Anyway, Craig gathered everyone around to inspire his team with a random assemblage of provebs, Bible verses, and what sounded like fortune cookie messages. It was all a jumbled mess, and thankfully the producers were there to supply a patronizing New Age synthesizer chord. Tana tried to explain the surreal moment to us, but she only managed to confuse herself even more, ultimately muttering "I don't diggety this'."

The next morning, teams met Trump at one of his construction sites where he announced that this week's challenge would involve a Do-It-Yourself Clinic at Home Depot. "I've heard some recent stories how well they're doing," said Trump regarding the hardware company. He then added, "Just the other day I saw they helped build shelters on Survivor. So I've decided to invest in Trump Survivor Shelter. The Survivor shelter business is a $30 billion industry, and Trump Survivor shelters will be the very best shelters you can get on a deserted island. It'll be great folks."

Actually, Trump didn't launch into a Mark Burnett cross-promotional tie-in. Instead, he extolled the virtues of Home Depot. First he noted that the company was the "fastest growing retailer in the United States." Funny. That's what he's said about EVERY OTHER COMPANY! At least he had one correct fact: Home Depot "revolutionized the do-it-yourself home improvement business." He's right. Have you ever tried to get help in those stores? They might as well have a sign by the door saying "Questions? Do it your damn self, you dipshit!"

Eventually, Trump introduced the team to two Home Depot execs. "What is your name?" he asked one of them. Amazingly, the guy simply stammered for a few moments and then pointed to the other exec, adding "This really isn't my department. She'll be able to help you." The exec then ran away to the other side of the construction site.

Later, at the loft, Net Worth sat around and discussed ideas. Angie, this week's Project Manager, babbled about how Home Depot was the happiest place on earth. Well, it's the happiest place as long as your definition of "happiness" includes dying from falling hardware. Nevertheless, Erin immediately bowed out of the task, noting that she'd never been to Home Depot and could therefore not offer any productive assistance. "As a former beauty queen, I know what a crown is. But I don't know what crown molding is," she said in an altogether too rehearsed remark to the camera (Kudos to the segment producer that came up with the crown/crown molding punchline). Erin then went on to say, "As a hair enthusiast, I know what a brush is... That's all I wanted to say."

Posted by B-side on March 27, 2005 1:47 PM