Over at Magna, Craig announced that he wanted his team to run a clinic on how to make... a box. The idea was immediately received with passive aggressive rejection. "Everybody seems to have a box," said Tana, opening up the dialogue for many colorful vagina puns. You just know that Bren was chomping at the bit on that front. Still, despite the team's hatred of the box and all things box-like, Craig took an official stance and made the simplistic design the cornerstone of his plan. The group begrudgingly accepted this decision, perhaps feeling like Craig's boxy idea had in fact, boxed them in. Man, I always love being able to throw in a cheap Sex in the City caliber pun. (You know that if this were an actual Sex and the City episode, the subplots would have to do with a boxer, boxer briefs, and possibly Barbara Boxer. Why bash an already dead show? Because TVgasm wasn't around 18 months ago. Gotta make up for lost time).

While Craig got busy with the boxes, things at Net Worth were kind of slow. Erin and a tobacco-chewing Chris ambled through the death-aisles of Home Depot, desperately seeking some inspiration, but alas, it was not meant to be. The entire experience caused Erin to predictably break out into one of her labored comedy analogies: "Me walking through a Home Depot is like me being in a foreign country where everyone speaks a language that I can't understand!" Truthfully, that statement does little to clarify the Home Depot experience. I don't know what she's like in a foreign country where everyone speaks a language that she can't understand. Maybe she becomes a raging slut? Maybe she cries? LET US IN, ERIN!

Later, Angie's team assembled in a generic office to browse through Home Depot options. After some low-energy brainstorming, the team finally opted to use a mobile kitchen island for its clinic. Not a bad idea, and a few hours later, they actually managed to assemble one, causing all the girls to remark at how "cute" it was. Yes, nothing tugs at the heartstrings like shelves on wheels. I would show that picture of the puppies again, but next to the mobile kitchen island, they look like hideous warts. Now, if we could only design a mobile kitchen island made of puppies, that would be the darned cutest thing on earth!

Artist's rendering of the mobile puppy kitchen island.

Less cute was the "space-saver trunk" (aka the box). Having no faith in Craig, even after his rambling prayer session the night before, Magna all but abandoned their odd-voiced leader. Luckily, the father of four knew how to turn everyone's frowns upside down. No, Craig didn't tickle Kendra, but he did tell everyone to stop being such sourpusses. Surprisingly, everyone said okay and welcomed the box into their lives. And at twenty six minutes into the episode, Bren finally provided us with our first official "thinking outside the box" pun. Moments later, Darren Star called him up: "We're thinking about doing a male version of Sex in the City. I'd like to make you the head writer." Sorry people. Still working through the rage.

With Magna newly motivated, Tana got to work teaching the local Home Depot staffers about the finer elements of hip hop culture. "Shake it Sayid!" she exclaimed, urging a small Indian man to dance. NOW WE BE TALKIN'! Incidentally, I couldn't help noticing a vague interpretation of Fat Joe's "What's Love?" on the soundtrack. It's a sad state of affairs when 50 Cent and G-Unit dominate the radio so much that all the other rappers have to spread their music on reality show soundtracks. With that being said, I'm looking forward to this summer's season of Big Brother with its promised rap interludes by Chen Dogg and her Robo-Posse.

This photo was taken prior to Julie Chen's banishment from G-Unit.

Luckily, 50 Cent welcomed Chen Dogg back with open arms.

Anyway, it was finally time for the teams to kick off their Do-It-Yourself clinics. Net Worth started off strongly with Angie anchoring an effective demonstration, but then things began falling apart. Because the presentation required a loud, booming voice to reach the large audience that had accumulated, Angie logically had Chris take the helm for the clinic. Sadly, this choice was only met with disaster. I half expected Chris to yell, "THIS IS HOW TO BUILD A MOBILE UNIT! YOU WILL BUILD THIS UNIT RIGHT NOW. I AM NOT EVEN JOKING! I WILL BEAT YOU, OLD LADY!" Then in my fantasy Chris shakes one of the aisle units, causing an avalanche of hardware to fall from upon high. In real life, however, Chris just yelled in a general way and then managed to assemble the cutesy wootsy mobile kitchen island completely incorrectly. The only thing more embarrassing was the fact that it took thirty five minutes to construct a product that Angie had boasted could be finished in fifteen minutes or less. Later when asked what took so long, Angie simply replied "CPT. Don't know what it means, but Craig told me to say it."

Speaking of Craig, turns out his whole box idea was pretty damn smart. You see, after watching the mobile kitchen island disaster, we've come to appreciate the simplicity of the space saver chest. The easier the project, the harder it is to screw up. As a result, Magna could focus its energy on selling the box instead of simply constructing it. Oh, and by the way, Donald Trump's message of the week: "Sell yourself." Not so surprisingly, Magna excelled in this department, especially Tana who seemed to trade in her Crunk Juice for Apple Juice as she painted with children and squealed "Weeeeeeeee!!!!" This woman is a true chameleon. One week she's a clown, another she's a homegirl, and another she's a... hyper child. Man, I love Tana.

Posted by B-side on March 27, 2005 1:47 PM