Amazingly, the entire Magna team seemed to recognize their lack of vision regarding the box. Kendra and others fully acknowledged how naive they were to doubt Craig. I'm sorry. I don't understand. A reality star is being apologetic, humble, and unselfish? Man, this show has really jumped the shark.

Nevertheless, we had a strong feeling that Craig's team was going to march to victory, especially when the music suddenly became dramatic and contemplative as we watched children paint the boxes. I didn't really understand why the mood had become so serious. I'll just assume everyone died ten minutes later. It would make sense, them being in Home Depot and all. Prediction: Home Depot will never advertise on TVgasm after this post.

Anyway, it was finally judgment time, and to no one's surprise (except maybe Trump's), Magna handily won. Surely their reward would be a somewhat relevant experience that would further clue the neophytes in to the world of high power execs. Well, maybe not. Team Magna won a Zero G 727 Experience. Huh? According to The Donald, since the candidates worked so long "training" people at their clinics, they now would be "trained" in zero gravity. Okay, that's a stretch. I mean, it's a cool — nay, very cool —  reward, but honestly, is this what CEOs do in their spare time? "Well Mr. Simon, it's been a pleasure doing business with you. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to float in zero gravity."

The show paused briefly for a commercial break, and we suddenly were faced with the bombastic debut of Home Depot's latest ad featuring Craig's box. I really couldn't tell if the spot was trying to be tongue-in-cheek or not, but either way, it's kind of hard to take a commercial seriously when it treats a wooden box like a Lexus. "It's the box!" boasted the narrator with equal parts genuflection and orgasm (genugasm? boxgasm?). To further cement the box's place as the coolest creation since the wheel, we were even supplied with a quote from Kendra saying "The neatest thing ever!" Okay, this commercial can't be serious. But even if it's an ironic, self-parodying spot, why would Home Depot do that? I mean, they want people to go to their Apprentice clinic, right? It's like they're saying "Hey, isn't this box stupid? Anyway, you should come by and build one. At your expense, natch."

Later, after the baffling commercial had run its course, we returned to the loft where Net Worth was moping around. Well, mainly just Angie who had adopted baby talk to say "I wanna go on da plane!" Anyone who uses baby talk on the Apprentice should be immediately fired. Actually, any adult who uses baby talk in general (when not in the vicinity of a baby) should be taken to Home Depot and made to stand in an aisle until a crate of hammers falls on them.

Not using baby talk was Magna who happily slipped into some Zero G flight suits and hit the tarmac. As the airplane hangar doors opened, Tana could barely contain her excitement, saying "Oh here it goes." She then added, "NOW WE BE FLYIN'!" A fast walking man soon emerged from a plane and announced that he's clocked over one thousand hours in zero gravity. I hear he's not very well grounded. Rimshot! Anyhoo, the team soon boarded the padded cabin, and within moments (on TV at least), they were floating and spinning and flipping and twirling, all to the sound of the Blue Danube. Yes, it was just like 2001: A Space Odyssey, except instead of space, we had an airplane, and instead of HAL, we had Bren, and instead of cinematic artistry, we had Diet Rite ads. At least Erin hadn't won the challenge. I couldn't imagine what her hair would do in zero gravity. It would probably extend in thousands of directions, gagging people as it entered their mouths and nostrils. A troll doll gone bad. Very bad.

This loopy interlude eventually came to a crashing end (not literally) when Alex presented us with an incredibly forced metaphor about his team being up in space enjoying zero gravity while Erin and Stephanie were grounded by gravity in the reality of getting fired even though they were space cadets and OH MY GOD SHUT UP. Alex has grown on me in recent episodes, but annoying comments like that (most likely written by the same producer who supplied Erin with her clunky "foreign country" line) really bring his cred down.

Speaking of Erin, it was time to go into the boardroom, but not before our flirtatious lawyer had one last thing to say. Regarding her boardroom track record, Erin boasted that "Every time I speak, it's poignant and accurate." Poignant? I don't understand. Has she been relating stories about how her pet hamster Butterscotch died an early death? (FYI, for fear that I may be acting like an idiot, I did a little research on "poignant" and found that indeed, it can also mean "incisive", "skillful", "astute", "pertinent", and "agreeably intense." So I guess Erin wins this round, although I'd still argue that "poignant" was an odd word choice.)

Anyway, in the boardroom, Angie quickly assigned blame for the task's failure on Erin, accusing her of checking out from the getgo. Erin explained that she was unfamiliar with Home Depot as a business, prompting Trump to respond, "You sound like Paris Hilton." That in turned cause Angie to say "Paris Hilton would have been better." Zinger for the Angie-meister! Almost made you overlook that stupid necktie she was wearing. Seriously, what is up with Angie always going for the stewardess look?

Posted by B-side on March 27, 2005 1:47 PM