With Alex on their team and Steph elected as Project Manager, Net Worth headed off to Brooklyn to design their pizza and learn how to cook it as well. The camera quickly passed over Domino's list of ingredients, and I was pretty shocked at how few options they actually have. According to their website, Domino's only offers pepperoni, Italian sausage, green peppers, black olives, cheddar cheese, pineapple, mushrooms, onions, beef, and ham. Either that's not a very creative offering, or I've been in California too long. After all, this state is home to the most bizarre pizzas in the planet. Want tuna sashimi on your pizza? You got it!

Anyway, Net Worth opted to go for a meatball pizza (seriously, meatballs? How does Dominos not already have that?) because Trump had mentioned that he likes, you guess it, meatball pizza. Alex came up with the name "Meatball Masterpiece" which apparently won based on its alliteration merits. You'd think "Meatball Madness" might be a better Domino's name, but I guess it's okay to class things up with "Masterpiece". Although... it sort of kills PBS's new youth-skewing series, Meatball Masterpiece Theatre,

As Net Worth got to work designing their culinary masterwork, Chris alerted us that he was chewing sunflower seeds to help him quit tobacco. Angie advised him to get some nicotine gum, but our boiling tea kettle assured her that he'd be fine, albeit slightly cranky. "I may be short," he noted, adding "I MAY BE VERY VERY SHORT! I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW SHORT I WILL BE, BUT I WILL BE SHORT AND AGGRESSIVE AND THAT IS A FACT!!!"

Luckily, Chris still seemed to be in high spirits on day one of the task, and he and Alex even visited a local construction site and pre-sold six pizzas. Oh that's wonderful. I'm sure that business decision won't come back to bite anyone in the ass.

Meanwhile, team Magna was struggling to come up with their unique pizza. Tana offered up a meatloaf pizza idea which technically shouldn't be too different from a meatball pizza, but honestly, the idea of pizza and a loaf of anything just seems wrong. Kendra's big idea was a pepperoni based pie. Pepperoni on pizza? OH THAT'S ORIGINAL! Somehow, Craig and Kendra butted heads on this subject, causing Tana, who just happened to be dressed like a slice of pepperoni, to regulate. In an interview, she said, "This is just pizza, okay? Put some sauce on it, let's come up with some incredible ingredients, and this isn't rocket scientist." Oooh, and maybe Uma Thurma can endorse it too! Now we be talkin'! Man, I love Tana. She's the rare reality star that you not only bash, but you truly root for AND kind of expect to win. Plus, she's a MILF in Iowa.

Well, as usual, despite her inability to execute a common phrase correctly, Tana saved the day. She suggested a meatball pizza (hey Dominos, maybe it's time to look into this whole crazy meatball topping idea) and insisted that there should be lots of sauce. To be specific, she said "SAUCE. Saucy, saucy, saucy!" It's actually pretty fun to say. Kind of makes you feel like the Jan Brady of the pizza world. Tana attributed her idea to her Italian roots, and as she thought up the ingredients, she said she felt like she were back in her grandmother's kitchen. "This one's for you, Grandma!" she said, pointing to the heavens. At which point Grandma replied "A pizza? THANKS."

Magna happily named their pizza the "Mangia Meatball Pie", although they tragically misspelled the name, resulting in the "Manga Meatball Pie" which technically implies some sort of integration of Japanese animation. Still, it looked like the two teams would be going head to head with nearly identical pizzas. Would Grandma's recipe beat out the Meatball Masterpiece?

Probably. After all, Net Worth was down to a mixed bag of inadequacy. We knew they'd have problems immediately when Stephanie happily announced that their mobile kitchen unit would be parked just a block from Union Square -- aka MILES from that Brooklyn construction site. Hmmm. I wonder if that's gonna throw a wrench into anything? To make matters worse, there was already dissension amongst the ranks. While Alex was manning the register, Chris became angry (shocker!) that he seemed to be taking too much time talking to the customers, especially the ladies. To be fair, Alex was really working it, asking such time consuming questions as "Where are you from?" and "What sort of accent is that?" Why, he should be fired on the spot! Actually, he should have been fired for his lame attempts at banter. When one girl said she was from Staten Island, Alex responded that he was raised in Seattle and... that's it. Granted, I'm sure he was the victim of some cheap editing, but still, you'd think he was completely uncomfortable and out of his element talking to girls. You'd think he'd be much happier trolling around the West Village. You'd think-- Sorry, I'm just trying to bait the conspiracy theorists who think Alex is gay.

While Net Worth seemed to be showing some wear and tear, things at Magna were just chugging along splendidly. Tana and Kendra hit up some local businesses and drummed up a few lunch orders while Bren and Craig made pizza and spoke like the bi-racial, Southern versions of Mario and Luigi. At one point, our old friend George stopped by to taste the pizza, and wouldn't you know it? He liked it! He really liked it! Sadly, this did not lead to another tale about the time when he used to work at a soda jerk. Man, that would have been awesome. I bet he once worked in a pizza joint too, but back then, it was probably called a Pizza Jerk. George probably just adds "jerk" to whatever place he works at, which would explain why his resumé says Trump Jerk International.

Posted by B-side on April 4, 2005 10:44 PM