You Got Me Feeling Emotions - 
by B-side
There was much to love about this week's Apprentice. We had tears in the boardroom (always amusing), candidates sleeping on the job, and Tana making scandalous comments within the first minute of the show. Unfortunately, there was only one element missing: a volcanic eruption of rage from our dearest Chris. Wow. Maybe he had turned his life around? Maybe his violent anger had finally been quelled? Or maybe he had simply taken some meds? Yeah, that was probably it. After all, this was the same guy who got arrested last week for haggling over a bar cover. I personally would like to see some spin-off show where Chris gets angry doing everyday activities. You know, like washing his car or ordering at McDonald's. I bet the Supermarket Express Lane episode would be a two hour special. Mmmm... Rage-licious!
This week's episode began with the usual roundtable discussion of who'd be coming back from the boardroom. Bren thought it would be Alex, Kendra thought it would be Angie, and Craig thought it would be... well, Craig doesn't like decisions. Actually, he was putzing around in the kitchen, maybe thinking up another list of cryptic sayings to guide his team. Tana, meanwhile, expressed annoyance that Chris was still in the running. "Why does Chris get to snake out?" she asked, perplexed at the boiling tea kettle's constant ability to avoid firing. Later she put on her dirty little MILF hat and said Chris was out of his league. Well, actually, what she really said was "He's a virgin, and we're all sluts." This therefore confirms my theory that Chris needs to get laid. Boo-ya! Personally, I was a bit surprised that Tana would use such imagery. I thought she might say something like "He's Will Smith and we be all my homey, Lil' Jon," but hey, who am I to predict the mysterious ways of the Tana?
Ultimately, Alex and Chris did return to the suite, and while hugs and screams of fake delight filled the foyer, Tana once again registered disappointment. This time, however, she spoke to us with what appeared to be the world's largest pipe cleaner wrapped around her neck. It was either that or a coral reef. I'd also accept "giant sea cucumber" or "puffy purple monster".
Anyway, with everyone reunited, it was time for laughs and rockin' good times (hey, whatever happened to that anthem of "UNBELIEVABLE!"?). With a happy grin on his face, Chris detailed the brutality of the boardroom by saying how Trump had called him a disaster. "We were having the same conversation," Bren joked (but not really). "That's not funny," Chris joked back (but not really either). Chris then pulled out a medieval mace and chased Bren around the apartment, yelling "I DID NOT FIND THAT FUNNY! I AM NOT A DISASTER! I AM INCREDIBLY AGGRESSIVE BECAUSE I SPEAK FACTS, NOT UNFACTS!"
Nevertheless, after two Boardrooms in a row with serious reprimanding from The Donald, Chris knew it was time for him to step up. He announced to us that he wanted to be Project Manager because he had to kick some ass. Chris then bared his teeth, hissed, and spat a sticky substance that later burned a hole through the floor.
The next morning, we met up with the grand poobah that is Trump as he made small talk with two extremely nervous-looking Pontiac Execs. You'd think they were uneasy about being on TV, but I actually think it was just general apprehension about having their product potentially sullied by maladroit reality stars. Anyway, the Pontiac people were on camera to hawk their new car, the Pontiac Solstice. Ooooh. It's sleek, shiny, sporty, and arbitrarily named! Finally, a car that brings to mind the joys of really long days, really short days, and Neopagan rituals!
Of course, Trump was a big fan of the Solstice (although we'll see if he plans to dirty up his Bentley, Rolls, and Ferrari collection with the pedestrian Pontiac brand). The big man commented on how great the car looked, and the good news for Pontiac was that this flashy new automobile lacked the awkward stylings of their previous reality show offer, the Aztek (pity the poor Survivor winners who were stuck with that ugly pile of metal).
Why does Craig look like he just arrived from 1942?After the teams arrived in Trump's presence, Net Worth stole Bren, making the teams even at three people a piece. The Donald then detailed this week's mission: teams would have to create a marketing brochure for the Solstice. "It's totally beautiful... sexy, gorgeous, two-seat, roadster" said Trump. He then added, "At first I wanted to marry one, but instead, I decided to turn Melania into a car." Melania then rolled into the room looking like a supermodel version of Benny the Cab.
I still don't know why Trump made the Melaniamobile so cartoony. And why is she a taxi?Actually, that didn't happen, but Trump did say that the winner of The Apprentice would win a Solstice, which is a mild upgrade from Bill Rancic's Chrysler Crossfire (and I'm not sure if my memory is correct on this one, but didn't Kelly win a lame Buick last season?). Anyway, with the mission laid out for everyone, I was somewhat disheartened to see that Trump had not awkwardly added in a comment like "You'll win a new Pontiac Solstice, much in the same way everyone wins whenever they try Domino's Cheeseburger Pizza, which market research says you want. The lesson: eat Domino's in your Pontiac."
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