That Was Easy! (Being an Idiot, That Is) - 
by B-side
Man oh man am I behind in my recaps. I should really stop bitching and moaning, but in the spirit of reality TV, why not play the victim and make a giant drama? Well, I apologize again. I was hoping to tackle this recap last night, but after a transatlantic flight on American Airlines left me hungry (no more complimentary snacks? WTF???), uncomfortable (who needs legroom?), and sick of Mike O'Malley's big face ("Eye On American" never disappoints. At least the Chenbot was around to babble about Paul Anka), I was hardly in a state to write anything coherent. Thankfully, this afternoon I am replenished and full of snark, which is a good thing because this week's episode of The Apprentice was goofy as always. We didn't have our old firecracker Chris around, but luckily our wrath can now happily refocus on Craig and Alex, the underwhelming duo of mediocrity that have managed to fail upwards week after week. Unskilled workers advancing in a corporate environment? Wow, this show puts "reality" in reality TV!
The episode began with - you guessed it - more illogical guesswork as to who'd survive the Boardroom. There was a fleeting thought that Chris might get fired, but everyone revised their theories and instead targeted Bren. People, Chris has been on the chopping block about seven times in a row. How could it be Bren? Well, according to Tana, "He's just a big zero." Ouch. Say what you will, but the Tana-meister always knows how to kick off an hour with a harsh put-down. Let's not forget last week's assessment that Chris was a virgin while the rest of them were sluts. Next week I predict she'll simply call someone a "piece of shit" or maybe just vomit at the mention of somebody's name.
Anyway, Bren and Alex returned, and they quickly gave the blow by blow, noting how emotional Chris became upon firing. Tana expressed great concern as she asked, "He was choked up, but he walked out all right?" Yeah, he was all right, although I think he may have had something to do with that primal scream followed by the explosion down on the street.
That evening, Bren and Alex went to a local lounge and chomped on cigars. The heartstrings were tugging (okay, not at all) as Bren described how he'd found a new best friend in Alex. Huh? Where did this come from? I mean, Troy and Kwame -- those two were a pair. They were practically beating each other off by the end of every episode. But Bren and Alex? I guess this was all a setup to an inevitable boardroom showdown between the two. Playing your cards too early, producers.
The next morning, after Rhona placed her usual pre-dawn call, we were privy to the glorious site of our candidates washing up for Mr. Trump. The good news: we were spared seeing Craig on the shitter. The bad news: entirely too much Bren flesh. Imagine the Penguin from Batman Returns. Now imagine him naked. Yeah, it was that bad.
Anyway, we then moved onto The Donald (not naked, thank god) as he chatted it up with two Staples execs in his office. The new hottie secretary (watch your back Rhona) ushered in the candidates (including Tana and her sexy miniskirt) who quickly learned of their new task: create an item for Staples that would reduce office clutter. Sounds like a decent undertaking. Donald then of course told us that Staples is a THIRTEEN BILLION DOLLAR BUSINESS, and honestly, I expected him to turn to the little microphone and transmitter next to him and blare it out over all of New York. By the way, did anyone else notice that device on his desk? I imagine Trump probably has some sort of show on satellite radio. Either that, or he just really likes talking to truckers. Maybe he puts on a little cap and sings "Cause we gotta little ol' convoy, rockin' through the night. Yeah we gotta little ol' convoy, ain't she a beautiful sight?"
The teams quickly split up to figure out their game plans. We smelled insta-death for Net Worth as Alex volunteered to be Project Manager. Ah yes. Alex. The creative genius whose previous contribution to retail was the laptop sweatshirt pouch. What would he design this time? A sweatshirt to store clutter? I guess it would be part of his all-utility sweatshirt brand he's developing. I'm personally looking forward to the sweatshirt deep fryer.
Magna was in better hands - barely - with Craig, a marble-mouthed dunderhead who at the very least rose the the challenge once with his famed "Box" idea a few weeks ago. He immediately instituted a policy of "write down whatever idea you have", which was his passive aggressive way of telling Kendra to shut up. For those of you just joining The Apprentice 3, Craig and Kendra don't really get along very well. Surely this task would be a recipe for disaster. Craig explained to us his perspective on Kendra. "You've had your chance to lead the way you lead, and I want you to respect mine's." Wow, he is a bigger idiot than I ever thought. Say what you will about the street smarts team, but they have a wonderful ability to make up their own words. Take THAT, higher education! Why learn real, appropriate words when you can just come up with your own? To his credit though, Craig could have been referring to "mines" not "mine's" - as in, he wants Kendra to respect landmines. It's a noble concern.
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