Okay, maybe he didn't play with a stapler, but Craig reliably acted like a stick in the mud as he and Kendra butted heads -- again -- over the T-Shirt design. Kendra wanted a heart, Craig wanted a star, and I wanted a whole lot of SHUT UP. As the Great Heart / Star Impasse of 2005 raged on, we went to commercial, returning minutes later to the Donald yelling, "Keep your eyes on the prize!" Don't get caught up in side tasks, he advised. This was illustrated by showing footage of a bulldozer tearing at an awning. Seriously, this is like the tenth time we've seen this footage. I don't even see how it applies to anything anymore. Next week the lesson could be "Go play tennis" and we'd still see that bulldozer going at it. At least this time, we had the added touch of Donald yelling out to the operators, "Say hello to your boss!" I kind of would have liked one of the guys to have done an air snap like Agador Spartacus and yelled "You no the boss of me, Mr. big hair Trump man!"

Anyway, after Trump's weekly business lesson, our eyes were peeled for the first sign of teams getting sidetracked, and luckily, we only had to wait about ten seconds before Tana regrettably became fixated on finding a Bedazzler for her t-shirts. Oh Tana. Don't do this. Please, don't do this. Yes, somewhere along the line, our favorite Iowa MILF decided to add rhinestones to the t-shirt, a gimmick that could boost prices, she rationed. It wasn't a bad idea, per se, but when foggy notion yielded to ridiculous obsession, I knew she'd be losing the task. Before we even knew what was going on, she and Alex were hopping a cab to Staten Island -- STATEN ISLAND -- to find rhinestones used for the Bedazzler. Listen, anytime you go to another borough, it's always instant failure (the one exception being the time Tana sent Bren to Brooklyn to do some silkscreening). With visions of glistening rhinestones in her eyes, Tana had barely the time or patience to think about marketing for the t-shirt. Alex quietly mentioned it, but when a phone call interrupted, he seemed to drop the topic altogether. Meanwhile, Tana was off in rhinestone fantasy land, a place that I imagine looks a lot like "Candy Land", except with tacky stones instead. You know, like Vegas.

Over at Magna, Craig and Kendra were once again scratching and clawing at each other. I personally don't even remember what the latest point of contention was, but I'll assume it had to do with saying "tomato" versus "tomahto." Eventually Craig laid it all out on the table. "You can't hear from me," he said. Huh? What does that mean? Similarly confused was Kendra, who gave her patented droopy head, raised eyebrow stare. Craig then instantly mocked her look and elaborated that no matter what he says, she simply filters it out (actually, he explained it in a much more convoluted, Bill Cosby-sounding way). Eventually, Kendra was left asking one quintessential question of the viewing audience: "Is it just me, or is Craig just a butthole?" All those who think butthole say Aye. "Aye!"

This staring contest lasted three hours until Craig spotted a Jell-o Pudding Pop

The next morning, it was time to open up shop and sell some overpriced t-shirts. With Kendra's shrewd marketing scheme, Magna was off to a quick start, and wow, I know one of those buyers! The guy who ordered like four shirts -- he's a friend of the family! He goes to my synagogue! I'm famous!

--Pausing to call Mom and Dad. Now listening to Mom and Dad talk about 24. Now emailing a friend who doesn't care about this. Now laughing at Rosie O'Donnell again--

Okay, I'm back. Anyway, Magna seemed to be doing a solid job, and with a steady flow of people coming in, it appeared that they might waltz to victory. That is, unless they sold the shirts at too low of a price. It didn't help that Craig was giving discounts to people who were already willing to pay full price for the merchandise. SMART. Dude, you're selling art, not stereo equipment.

Net Worth meanwhile seemed to struggle, at least at first. Their only marketing seemed to have been a meager sign on the street and Alex approaching strangers with brochures, but that ploy only seemed to have marginal results. I'm sure he would have been much more successful had the store been in Chelsea (Wink wink... Wink. Seriously, I have something in my eye. Wink wink wink). Still, Net Worth was able to pull in some foot traffic, and Tana was able to even put her rhinestones to good use. And no wonder -- "When the light hits it, it looks like diamonds," she explained. Yes, very very cheap, diamonds made of paste and glass.

Anyway, after a long afternoon of selling, the teams returned to the Boardroom where they faced the panel of Donald, George, and Carolyn. Trump asked how both teams sold their products. Alex said that he got people into the store, and Tana was the closer. Ooh, how very Glengarry Glenross. When The Donald asked Net Worth who sold the t-shirts, Craig happily answered, "Me." Good to see he's still not afraid to take all the credit! (Don't worry, Kendra stood up for herself and said "We both did.")

Ultimately, Magna demolished Net Worth by selling 100 shirts versus 33 shirts, for a total profit of $2,705 (Net Worth only brought in $1147.95). As their reward, Kendra and Craig were told they'd be taken up into the sky and flown in jet fighters. When asked if they had any problems with flying, Kendra responded that her dad was a Top Gun instructor, causing Craig to quickly add that his father was in the Air Force. God, I wish these two would just shut up.

Posted by B-side on May 5, 2005 1:37 AM