Tana to Trump: Can I Get A Woop Woop? - 
by B-side
After long delay, I finally saw the much-hyped finale for season three of The Apprentice, and sadly, the only surprise here was that Matthew Calamari didn't return to royally embarrass himself on live television once again. Yes, we here at the TVgasm offices were traveling on the 15 freeway en route to Las Vegas when Donald Trump officially anointed his next glorified underling, and so I didn't even get a chance to check out this hour of splendor until late last evening. The Donald had promised to cut down on the fat from last season's bloated finale, but would he be true to his promise?
Yes and no. For starters, he nixed the endless testimonies from random people in the audience (thank god -- although, again, kind of missing Matthew Calamari). Unfortunately, he also did away with the reunion segment, something that I'm always eager to see. What we were left with was a herky-jerky Q & A as well as a lengthy segment on the adventures of Kelly and Brian, Apprentices Extraordinaire. Also, let's not forget that while this episode was only an hour long, the actual finale was a two-part event that stretched over seven days; so at the end of the day, while this show was certainly shorter than last season's three-hour snoozefest, I don't think it's safe to say that it was any less bloated.
Speaking of bloated, how about that opening recap of the season? Much like with Survivor which also plopped a fifteen minute "in case you weren't watching" montage on the front of its finale, Mark Burnett burned off the first quarter of the show with a lengthy - but enjoyable - trip down memory lane. It started with Trump blaring that "Half of the candidates had degrees from some of the finest schools in the country." Like University of Florida (Kendra), Seattle Pacific University (Alex), Cleveland State University (Danny), University of Memphis (Bren), University of Miami (Erin, Todd), Arizona State University (Stephanie), and Jackson State University (Verna). Yes, some of the very finest schools. I'm glad Trump didn't dilute the pool with those crappy-ass institutions like Princeton or Stanford.
Anyway, as we reminisced on the season, we got to relive those glorious moments from early on. Look, there's Danny yelling "UNBELIEVABLE!", and there's Brian dressed like a... cowboy? Okay, we'll just assume that was for the Burger King task and not some unfortunate fashion choice (he did, after all, take great joy in wearing a Viking hat for no reason). The producers then threw the audience a bone by flashing us a scene from one of Chris's earlier explosions. "I DO NOT REFURBISH HOMES!" he yelled. Yes, if there are two things we know about Chris, it's that he hates gutting houses and that HE IS NOT A HOMOSEXUAL, SIR!
One more, for old time's sake.Later we saw Stephanie and her ill-advised pizza delivery to Brooklyn. Trump boomed on the soundtrack: "It was a bad move; SO I FIRED HER!" Settle down, Donald! We know what happened. The recap continued though, and as it approached the ten minute mark, we once again had a little more product placement for the Pontiac Solstice (insert Bren's testimony to his love for the car here) and then the always enjoyable shot of Chris cackling like a madman in the back of a cab. This, of course, was followed immediately by the even more entertaining footage of Chris bawling in the Boardroom as Papa Trump patted him on the back and sent him out into the world.
Then after fifteen minutes of Trump yelling, we finally cut to the live finale where we saw a chipper audience clapping inside of NYU's Skirball Center for the Performing Arts. Last season Carnegie Hall, this season the Skirball Center? What's next? The YMCA? The jungle gym area of McDonald's? (Yeah, that's right Skirball. I'm calling you out! Maybe you should stop sounding like Skeeball's less fun carnival game cousin and more like a real performing arts center).
Anyway, as we floated over the cheering crowd, the camera zoomed in on who else? Sugar Ray Leonard! Oh yes, that reminds me! I should watch The Contender this weekend! Thank you, Sugar Ray Leonard and NBC! Meanwhile, bitter flashbacks to December engulfed me as I feared we'd then be subject to another incongruous interview with the boxer to promote his show. Luckily, we simply went to commercial, and when we came back, the spotlight seemed to be squarely where we liked it most: on Trump. As The Donald said "Thank you, thank you" over and over again, the audience rose to its feet yet again (except NBC head honcho Jeff Zucker who happily remained seated). Wow, we're twenty minutes in and literally nothing has happened. Way to keep this finale tight!
Meanwhile, I couldn't help noticing that the final boardroom was setup like a goofy version of People's Court. Paging the mixed metaphors department: Trump runs a corporation, not an Appellate Court. Nevertheless, The Donald sat high above the stage in the equivalent of a judge's bench and even had a gavel. Maybe he was planning to yell "Order in the fake boardroom that looks like a court on a stage in a performing arts center!" Sitting oddly in two different witness boxes were George and Carolyn, each of whom had a sidekick in Bill Rancic and Kelly Perdew respectively. As for the fired contestants, they unsurprisingly filled up a jury box, and of course Kendra and Tana sat at the defendant's table. Unfortunately, there was no stenographer, leaving a bitter Rhona with little to do except wait backstage with a teacup full of arsenic for her ungrateful boss.
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