Run For The Money - 
by B-side
The buzz may be long gone from The Apprentice, but man, this show still works. Yeah, there are a lot of haters out there, but honestly, it's hard to top the delicate mixture of bombastic Trumpisms, blatant product placement, bickering overachievers, and possibly the best elimination forum on television: the boardroom. It looks like we'll be in for another exciting journey this season, and if this first episode is any indication, there'll be fun times aplenty here on TVgasm. It's late at night, and I have a lot of writing ahead, so let's get this party started.
And pardon the unintentional Pink reference.
This most audacious of reality shows kicked off its fourth season with images of hope and America: the morning sun! Humble farms! Ugly power lines! Cut to me standing in my living room, saluting the TV and singing, "My Donald 'tis of thee!"
Okay, I didn't do that, but that's because I was listening to Mr. Trump boast about his candidates: "They're hungry go-getters, each with a different story to tell." Yeah, like that one crazy party at B-school. Or that awful first day of work. Or, oh this is hilarious, back at the strip club when that guy killed three people just to pay for a lap dance. (For those of you not in the know, candidate Alla used to be a stripper, and one of her clients murdered three people in a ill-conceived plan to pay for her services. Yeah, it'll be a running TVgasm joke.)
Anyway, just in case we didn't believe that these people were "go-getters," we then saw footage of one plucky girl running with a beauty queen sash. Funny, I always work out with my tiara on. (Most beautiful blogger pageant, of course.)
Soon enough, Trump began bellowing at full force, and I eagerly anticipated what would surely be a prototypically lavish Mark Burnett intro. What would The Donald be doing this year? Hang gliding over Manhattan? Riding an ostrich over the Brooklyn Bridge? Water skiing with the help of some speedy dolphins? Nope. Donald merely sat at his desk and yapped away. Man, that was anticlimactic. And we didn't even get to see Rhona either. You call this an intro, Burnett?
Well, the good news was that we did get to see former winners Bill Rancic, Kelly Perdew, and Kendra Todd in a brief montage. And just to prove that they were now Very Important Executives, we saw them walking briskly down halls and over sidewalks. Because, you know, unimportant people don't walk briskly.
ARGGGGHHH!!!!
Finally, The Donald stepped away from his desk and walked out the front doors of Trump Towers, all the while declaring, "I'm looking for someone who's a tough negotiator. I'm looking for someone who's a dynamic leader. I'm looking for... THE APPRENTICE!" And, well, some product placement too. Cut to footage of Song Airlines delivering the latest contestants to New York. Seriously.
Ah, but Trump wasn't done babbling. "They'll work harder than they've ever imagined!" he promised. We then watched as one guy stuck out his hand and hailed a cab, yelling, "Taxi!" Man, that's some hard work! This is the most hardcore Apprentice EVER!
Eventually, we met some of the candidates, like our mysterious Alla who explained, "I was born in Russia, moved to the States with absolutely nothing, and made myself into a multi-millionaire all on my own." And, you know, a stripper. Sorry, I'm gonna have to bring that up whenever I can. Alla can be like, "So I ate a tuna salad," and I'll still write, "Strippers LOVE tuna salad!" I know at least I'll laugh. And so will you, right?
[crickets]
Anyway, after the opening credits (which, by the way, is one of the best openers on TV. Can't decide between it and Laguna Beach), we saw all the various candidates arriving by cab at the Trump National golf course. There, a humble servant welcomed everyone by opening their doors and saying, "Welcome to Trump National Bedminster." So is this what Bill Rancic's been doing for the past eighteen months? Really not very impressive.
Marshawn, a criminal defense attorney, then piped up with why she was qualified to be the next Apprentice: "I've been able to represent gang members, drug dealers, prostitutes." Oh, well, that's perfect for corporate America. We all know that Trump loves to hire the Crips to take care of his country clubs. Meanwhile, Clay NotAiken announced that he was proud to be openly gay. After all, the men would be cool with it, and the women would be his best friends. Clay then added, "I can't wait to tell Martha what I'm all about. Wait what? This is the Donald one? F*@K!"
Probably the biggest story behind this cast, however, was the unlikely appearance of Cameron Crowe amongst the candidates. Who would have thought this beloved screenwriter/director would need to slum it in reality TV? I mean, the guy's worked with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz and Renée Zell --- oh wait. It wasn't Cameron Crowe. Just some doofus named Markus. My bad.
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