Well, the corporate all-stars all lined up on the golf course where a tantastic Trump met them. Today's big discussion was about fitness. "The fitness business is a monster business. In the United States, it does 13 BILLION DOLLARS a year in revenue," Donald said. It's funny, I was going to joke that he was going to say "A TEN BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY," but, well, he beat me to the punch. Anyway, he continued: "There's no better company, there's no finer company, and it's also one of the largest, Bally's Total Fitness." Okay, I beg to differ. Anyone who's ever been stuck in the hell-hole institution known as Bally's Total Fitness will surely know what I'm talking about. Not only did I get conned into a three year contract (I was told I could cancel after one year. WRONG), but the facilities (especially in Hollywood, CA) were so grimy, smelly, unkempt, and nasty that a friend of mine actually got a WORM from the exercise equipment. Funny story: that friend also stopped talking to me on account of his burgeoning fame (which turned out to be not much of a fame at all. Needless to say, only a few stars emerged from Bring It On, and he was not one of them). So basically, enjoy the worm, SUCKER!

Anyway, after Trump detailed this week's assignment (design an exercise class at Bally's; whoever earns the most money is the winner), he split the contestants into two teams -- boy vs. girl -- and said that there was a helicopter somewhere on the golf course. The first team to reach it would be able to pick a gym location first. And with that, the corporate superstars were off! Yes, racing to find a helicopter on a golf course. Just like corporate America!

As everyone ran to the chopper, one bullish guy brushed right past Donald, causing him to laugh and say, "He almost ran into me. The lineman. That guy almost ran me over!" It should be noted that running Trump over is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY.

Well, this not-so-Amazing Race ended fairly quickly, and the women, despite hopping in golf carts still managed to lose. How in the hell? Did they stop off for lattés on the way or something?

Anyway, after the commercial break, we returned to find The Donald teaching us a very Rodney King-ish lesson: "Can't we all just get along?" Yeah, we should really love each other more. At least until we're forced into a purposefully divisive conceit like The Boardroom to fight for our lives. But yeah, we should all get along.

Up in the sky, the two guys in the helicopter deliberated on the Bally's locations. One of the passengers, Josh, explained his thought process: "Oh, 106th street. Spanish Harlem. Probably not the best place. 20th Street, Sixth Avenue, in Chelsea, more affluent. Better location." It's okay, Josh. You can say it: predominantly gay neighborhood, one that stereotypically features a large gym-going population. I'm sure Clay wouldn't mind the shout-out. Nevertheless, the guys showed up at Bally's and surprise, surprise, the manager was some fattish looking dude with nasty facial hair. Just par for the course at Bally's. Did I mention that I hate Bally's?

As for the girls, they were stuck with the Spanish Harlem Bally's, and almost immediately, a chipper girl named Kristi stepped up to be Project Manager. We knew she was doomed immediately when the big-haired Felisha said, "All right, you want to be project manager. This is your niche. We're gonna let you do it." That sort of patronizing faith always leads to immediate failure. Anyway, the girls all headed into their gym and polled the locals about how much they spend for classes, etc. Needless to say, it wasn't much. Later, when the team reconvened in an office, a loud and brash woman named Melissa spoke up, saying that Hispanic people don't want to pay more than $15 or $20, and she could say that because she was Hispanic. Personally, I didn't think the race mattered. No one wants to spend more than $15 for anything at Bally's, especially when you've already been locked down into a three-year plan. Still, the girls wanted to charge more, with one saying she could sell a class for $50 a pop. Ahem, ladies, let's not forget that you're in Spanish Harlem, not Spanish Malibu. Might be a bit pricey for this 'hood.

Well, a dullard named Toral didn't necessarily disagree with Melissa's stance, but, "the problem was the manner in which Melissa said it." Oh I see. Turn down a good idea because it wasn't communicated in the proper tone of voice. Toral: future poster child for middle management.

To be fair though, Melissa was acting crazy dumb, and we all know what that means on The Apprentice. Acting strange + being a minority = fired. Let's not forget Stacy J. and her ca-RAZY antics with the magic eight ball, also known as the scariest moment of many women's lives. Meanwhile, over at the men's gym, Cameron Crowe, I mean, Markus, was getting confused by just about everything around him. I don't know why. I'll chalk it up to the inordinately large amount of exercise balls lining the gym's walls. Honestly, who wouldn't be intimidated?

Awwww. Bring your son to work day!

Posted by B-side on September 24, 2005 11:14 PM