Let's Talk About Sex, Baby - 
by B-side
After last week's Apprentice bloodletting, it would have been hard for the Donald to top himself, but he managed to set us atwitter once again as he delivered yet another scandalous Boardroom. Granted, only one person was fired this time, but that shouldn't distract us from the frank and, at times, baffling discussion about sex, homosexuality, anti-Semitism, and of course, Carolyn's boobs. It was kind of like the After School Special from hell. In other words, it was awesome.
This week's episode began with the cruelest of openings: watching the clueless survivors of the Excel genocide ponder when their trusty teammates would return. Of course, they had no way of knowing that none of their compadrés would be waltzing back in the door; and so they waited and waited and waited. "It's just gonna be interesting to see who comes back. I hope at least two people come back," Marshawn said with a faint glimmer of despair in her voice.
"I'm pretty sure there'll be at least three people coming back," Rubble Man Brian said confidently, clearly still full of the hopeful optimism that stems from international recording success. But even the best of Wyclef's proteges have fears, and Brian was no exception. "If we lose Josh or James, I will freak out. I will lose it," the Medium Pimp warned. So would it be safe to say that you would be FREEEAKIN'?
Well, Brian had better get some tissues ready because the realization that Josh AND James (and Jen and Mark) would not be returning would soon be dawning upon him. Yes, hours and hours ticked away in the suite as all the contestants sat around and waited for the not-so-fab four to come back. Hey Robin, how about you give them a call? I mean, what are you getting paid for? To sit around all day and play solitaire at your fake desk?
The wait may have been torturous for our would-be apprentices, but it was fairly awesome for us -- in that typical sadistic way we've come to expect from the best reality shows. Sadly, all good things must come to an end, and at midnight, Alla officially declared the quartet done and fired. Everyone retreated to their beds, but Brian remained awake and attentive, still holding out hope that one of his "brothers" might come back to him. Poor kid. What will become of the Rubble Man touring band now? As he quietly turned off his bed light, I half anticipated him to gaze out the window and sing "Somewhere Out There." After all, I think we can all agree that Brian is the modern incarnation of Fievel Mousekewitz.
The next morning, it was time to get back down to business. The suite's other musical genius, Adam, announced that he would be Project Manager for his team and was ready to tackle the task. And you know what that means: more a cappella! "Delicious wishes... FREAKIN!" (That was a mash-up. I know, very Jay-Z and Linkin Park of me.)
Well, the teams all arrived at one of Trump's various buildings and guess who Donald brought along this morning? None other than the Apprentice of Blandness, Mr. Kelly Perdew! And what Kelly Perdew appearance wouldn't be complete without a helpful dose of awkward nervousness. Yay!
Battle of the Squidwards!
Anyway, Trump gave Excel the option to take someone from Capital Edge, and surprise surprise, they chose the smartest man of all Bikini Bottom, the one and only Randal Squidward! Why does everyone want Randal? Just because he's articulate, smart, a Rhodes scholar, capable, and heads and shoulders above everyone else doesn't mean that he's all that and a bag of chips. Am I right people? Right? Eh, I need a tonic.
Well, the big challenge this week was to design a course for the Learning Annex, home of the Real Estate Expo featuring none other than... Donald Trump. I suppose it was time for the Learning Annex to get some loving, after all, the organization did pay Trump a hefty $12 million this year for his appearances. Well, Adam gathered his team together and got the ball rolling on for the task -- a task that's not significantly more difficult than any sort of oral presentation from freshman year of college. Nevertheless, Alla was in charge of brainstorming, and she ordered each member of her team to come up with five topics in ten minutes. Wow. A structured, organized brainstorming session. Sounds good! Oh wait, we forgot about Markus. Yes, after a few weeks of relative dormancy, Markus and his bumbling mannerisms reared his ugly head to remind us that yes, he's still an idiot. And just in case we couldn't tell that he was a total waste of space, Mark Burnett played some of that jazzy, "time's a-wastin'!" music in the background as Markus pitched his idea, which ironically centered around "time management." All in all, it wasn't a bad idea, per se, but when Alla then asked for four more ideas, Markus flung his hands in the air as if to say, "I just gave you pure gold. If you don't want to take it, that's your problem." Actually, that's not too far from what he actually did say, which was, "That's not the way I think... I come up with blockbuster ideas." And seriously, you've got to admit: "time management" is a grand-slam blockbuster if I've ever seen one. I mean, it'll never be as viscerally iconic as the great "Smooth as silk" Lamborghini pitch, but what can? It's pure marketing perfection!
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