As teams headed off, we then caught up with Claymarosa who expressed an undying thirst for revenge. He basically wanted to win so that his old teammates would look bad and realize they were worse off without him. "Sure will suck to be them!" Clay sneered. Yes, sure will suck to be them... when their lasting legacy is NOT being a worthless bitch.

Well, we headed off to commercial, and when we came back, Trump's big lesson of the week was "Creative Balance" -- as evidenced by Trump eying an ad with his trademark squinty face and saying, "I like them. That's a very smart ad. Nice presentation, good job." Ooooh. FEEL THE CREATIVE BALANCE!!!

We then cut away to a peppy musical interlude featuring the various steel drummers, sax players, and sundry musicians lining the streets of Manhattan. Why, one might even say that music was in the air! We then found ourselves at Apprentice Idol auditions as Randal, Rebecca, and Clay filled in for the erstwhile Randy, Paula, and Clay. It was a pretty good match, if you think about it. Randal and Randy are black (and share similar names), Paula and Rebecca are most likely on painkillers (damn that hockey injury), and Clay and Simon are both beguilingly effeminate (plus they sprout some mean man-boobs in a tight, black shirt). Well, Project Manager Rebecca selected a Nigerian musician named Jidé because "he was an artist that was versatile with a lot of flavor in his voice." Excuse me, it's "flava." Let's get it right, Rebecca. Meanwhile, over at Capital Edge, Felisha volunteered to be Project Manager and then had to sit through a typical garden variety of crappy, sleep-inducing musicians that you'd probably find on a Starbucks CD (let alone sipping a latté nearby as well).

Ultimately, Felisha chose a guy named Levi whose speciality seemed to be crooning on the piano and making me contemplate suicide. "He's not going to be a one-hit wonder. He's gonna last the test of time," said insta-record exec Felisha. To be fair, she's not exactly wrong. He is gonna last the test of time, meaning that in ten years from, we still will never have heard from him.

Over at Excel, the team was trying to get to know Jidé and learn about his life story. You know, find out what is it that makes Jidé so Jidé-ish. Well, it turns out that as a child, he was always in love with girls, but things never worked out because of his weight. Awww. Jidé is a Biggest Loser! Poor guy. How could you not love this onetime fatty? Even Carolyn was into him, but then again, we all know about her rampant dalliances with Jungle Fever.

Anyway, Clay suggested a song called "What about me?" (which I believe is a crappy song from the '80s. Here, enjoy this silly MIDI version), and within seconds, Jidé was crooning out, "What about meeeeeee?" Clearly, the words must have struck a chord in Clay because all of a sudden, he let loose with his own contributions, soulfully singing, "I've got struggles in my past!" Sing it, Clay! Can I get a witness! Clay then jumped to his feet and tore off his business suit, revealing a tiny, shimmering, sequined Tina Turner dress. "I'VE GOT STRUGGLES IN MY PAST!!! Big wheel keep on turnin'! Proud Clay keep on burnin'!" he sang as he danced around for the next fifteen minutes. It was wonderful.

Okay, Clay did not turn into a one-man Tina Turner musical revue (at least not on camera). Instead, he pitched a fight when Rebecca felt that "What about me?" was too whiny and feminine. Randal then suggested "It's My Time," but Clay insisted that it sounded like Jidé was bragging. And that's supposed to be better than a self-pitying song about entitlement? Apparently so. "It screws everything that I've written in the last forty minutes," he complained, adding his usual hefty dose of IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU passive aggression.

Over on the other team, things were going swimmingly with Alla, Felisha, and Adam. And is that really any surprise? This team does feature the musical genius behind "Delicious Wishes" and of course, "FREAKIN!" (I will mention that as often as I possibly can). Anyway, the Capital Edge song was titled "Nothing Can Be Everything," and as the team worked out the lyrics and tune, George informed us that he used to be in radio. Yes, he pioneered the famed station Soda Jerk FM. Actually, in truth he claimed he was on the cutting edge of heavy metal. He then told us that when he first heard the music, he hated it, but when he found out he was selling lots of commercials, he said, "I love the music!" And with that, George let out a hearty chuckled. Oh grandpa. Always so happy.

The good news for Capital Edge was that their song seemed vaguely catchy, even if it did seem like the sort of crap you'd hear on an airplane (probably on some stupid station called "Attitudes" or "Connections"). The same couldn't be said of the burgeoning Jidé mish-mosh, which Rebecca explained had gone from "the whole 'what about me?' chick lyric to Nigerian Seal meets Lenny Kravitz music." Wow. Sign me up! The only thing better would have been Somalian Hootie meets Goo Goo Dolls rock. Clay, meanwhile, seemed to have rebounded from his lyrical disaster and was ready to be the Kris Kristofferson to Jidé's Barbara Streisand: "I'm gonna push this guy to his limits and make him into a mega superstar!" First order of business: FIND HIM A PATTERNED SHIRT!!!

If we hold up one of those red cellophane decoders against Clay's shirt, will we find a hidden clue to something?

Posted by B-side on November 22, 2005 3:51 AM