Unfortunately for Rebecca, she had hired an actor who wasn't very, uh, good. I'm not sure what sort of talent agency she used to find this guy, but I wouldn't be surprised if the company specialized in staffing for some of Cinemax's finer late night offerings. When Rebecca told the actor to express urgency, the guy attacked the scene with the sort of quiet energy you expect from a nervous intern. "I, uh, need these like, uh, five minutes ago. So..." he said into a phone over and over again. Wait a second. Maybe this guy really is just an intern. Probably Mark Burnett's trial by fire initiation. "You want to be an intern for me? Well, let's see how you do ON THE APPRENTICE!!!"

Sadly, Rebecca cut this master thespian (but we didn't get to see her fire him. Boo!) and instead had Randal step into the role. And thank goodness for that. If there's one thing The Apprentice is always good for, it's corporate types making fools of themselves in creative environments. This season has had a spectacular track record: the LAMBOOOORGHINI presentation, the Delicious Wishes Diary Queen song, and of course, The Rubble Man ("Freakin'!"). And so Randal stepped into the role of harried businessman and delivered his coup de grace line: "Gosh, I hate waiting for these large files!!" WELL PERFORMED! And authentic too. I mean, that's what I always yell... when I feel like yelling a line indiscriminately to no one in particular.

ACTING!

Over at Capital Edge, Felisha and Alla attempted to film a scene on the street, but like many an E! True Hollywood Story, behind-the-scenes feuding undermined the production. You see, Felisha the actress did not like Alla's direction. And seriously, Alla, who the hell do you think you are, giving an actress directions like... a director. Oh wait.

Sensing that Felisha wasn't comfortable taking commands, lest it undermine her authority as a Project Manager, Alla actually offered to switch roles, but Felisha refused, saying, "I'm fine with it. I'm fine with it. You know, I'm fine with it." Yes, we know. YOU'RE FINE WITH IT.

Oh, and for those still wondering why Alla and Felisha had toted around those big-ass suitcases, it wasn't because of any upcoming sleepover parties. They were merely props. Anticlimactic, I know.

Anyway, poor Felisha still couldn't deal with being a subordinate; so she told us, "Alla's trying to steal the ship and take over the task." Then don't make her the director. Wow, this is really an exercise in patience on behalf of the audience. Oddly enough, when the two women retired to the editing suite that night, Felisha then said, "Alla knows what she's doing. She's really gonna have the direction on this. She knows what she's doing, and she's gonna take the lead." Uh, I thought you said she was stealing the task. Sounds like you just gave it to her on a silver platter, PLATTER GIVER!

Unfortunately for Capital Edge, all their footage that they had shot was rendered somewhat useless when the editor told them that the script would be too long for a sixty-second presentation. Instead of reworking the script or cutting down the scenes, Alla decided to go to Plan B and make the presentation text-based. Oh Alla. Don't let the editor scare you. You can tell a lot in sixty seconds. Just ask Randal and Rebecca. Yes, they managed to successfully pull together their little "Randal Is Late And Flustered!" commercial in sixty seconds. And just as they finished their cut, Carolyn happened to stop by to take a gander. As expected, the puffy-haired one watched with a bemused smirk on her face (so close to Carolyn hysterics, but alas, none), and later, she told us that she actually liked the video because it told a story. Carolyn LOVES stories! Of course, Rebecca didn't know this, and when Carolyn harmlessly asked, "How long did that take you," the Project Manager became rattled that maybe the presentation looked rushed or shoddy. Oh, relax Rebecca. You've got the power of Randal on your team. You'll be fine.

Laugh, Carolyn. LAUGH!

When we came back from commercial, we finally found out this week's big lesson (a bit late, yes?): "Family." Yes, Trump explained that in business, it's always important to have a warm, loving, pre-nupped fam nearby. And to illustrate this, we saw one of the most amusing Trump moments of the season: the royal ordering of take-out for Melania. "We'll order," Trump said into his cell phone from deep within his palatial limo. "What do you want? Chicken parmigian?" This was followed by a mild pause where we could barely here the sound of Melania's voice chattering in Donald's ear. Suddenly, he cooed, "Ahhhh! With meat sauce!" Oh Melania, you sassy bitch! Finally, Trump ended the call with some mushy words: "Okay, Angel. I'll take care of it... Okay, I'll get you some spaghetti, babe. You are so lucky to be married to me. Goodbye, honey. Bye, baby." Question: is Melania lucky to be married to you because you're getting her an Italian take-out feast, or is it because of the, you know, billions of dollars? I'm gonna go with the billions of dollars. But then again, one can never overlook Melania's unhealthy obsession with a fresh loaf of garlic bread.

Posted by B-side on December 6, 2005 4:48 PM