What A Dick! - 
by B-side
Don't you just love a good water cooler moment? That feeling you get knowing that what you just saw on television is what people will be arguing and discussing at work all day long? Well, that's how I felt watching last night's Apprentice finale, which featured not necessarily a surprise twist, but a surprise something that I won't really divulge now in this opening paragraph, lest some casual TVgasm viewers still haven't heard or seen what happened. Nevertheless, the dependably bloated two-hour episode ended with the sort of "Whaaa?" moment that surely will have reality fans buzzing for quite some time. Or at least a day.
The show opened up with the RAH RAH RAH pomp of watching Trump, Carolyn, and George exit Trump Towers. As they filed into a limo in front of thousands (or about twenty) of adoring fans, we knew tonight was going to be exciting. And in case we didn't know, Trump was there to fill in the blanks. "It's going to be an exciting night. I look forward to this one," he said. As do we, Donald! He then chatted with George and Carolyn, or Georgolyn, until finally their driver Noël dropped them off at Lincoln Center. "Come on folks, let's go!" Trump said, and with that, the power trio headed into Alice Tully Hall where an adoring crowd and the typically cheesy live band all served as fuel for Trump's proud fire. The big man waved to the audience as if he were Caesar returning to Rome (assuming that Caesar had a comb-over) and then took the stage where none other than Robin was waiting for him. "Beautiful Robin!" Trump bellowed out before literally tossing his coat to her. "You're welcome, Mr. Trump!" she chirped after he thanked her, and with that she disappeared with the garment, never to be seen again. You just know she practiced that coat-catch for weeks ahead of time. Imagine the horror had she dropped it? I'm sure Rhona would have been right there to steal her job.
Before we returned to the sagas of Randal and Rebecca, Trump then polled the audience. "Who prefers Randal?" he asked. We then saw cheering people holding American Idol-ish signs, and hey, there's Randal's wife Zathura! I mean, Zahara! Trump then asked who liked Rebecca, and again the crowd cheered. It was 50/50. Who would win?!?!
"Believe it or not, I haven't made up my mind yet; so turn off the lights. Let's get going," Trump said, surely paraphrasing a line he once used on Melania. Grrrrowl!
We then returned to the action from last week as Rebecca's team struggled to overcome the sudden cancelation of one Joe Piscopo, a.k.a. Joey Benefit (a.k.a. Joey First-Gig-He's-Had-In-12-Years-And-He's-Backed-Out). With no emcee, what would she do?
"Let's get someone bigger than Joe Piscopo!" Rebecca suggested. Excellent idea. Let's aim high: I'm thinking Bob Uecker and/or that pigeon lady who hangs around Gray's Papaya. Actually, Rebecca had her team call various improv troops and comedy clubs to find a last second emcee. Pssh. What are the chances THAT will work? A starving, up-and-coming comic wanting national exposure on a primetime network show? Whatever, Rebs.
As for Randal, he had his own problems to deal with. Celestial, meteorological problems specifically. Yes, it was raining in New York (we even got to see a lightning bolt for added effect), and this was bad news for the Rand Man considering his event was an outdoors charity softball game. "There should have been a contingency plan in place, and it completely eluded me," Randal explained. Exactly how did it elude you when the Outback guy warned you about rain in the last episode? Nevertheless, if there was one person more bummed about the inclement weather, it was Alison from the Autism Speaks charity. She and Randal spoke on the phone, and good God, these two were quite the pair of downers. This was the saddest rainy day EVER!
Luckily, Randal wasn't above a little of the good-times optimism. "This isn't rain. This is drizzle!" he insisted as we then cut to water flooding the streets of New York City. It's just a flesh wound! (A rare Monty Python quote from me.) Meanwhile, over at Rebecca's event, the new emcee arrived to meet the team. As James shook Not Joe Piscopo's hand, the guy quipped, "I got pee on my hand." Rimshot! Let the comedy begin! Turns out this guy was Pete Dominick, also known as the least funny comic since Hitler. Note to Carlos Mencia: we have a sidekick for you.
"Do you have any special requests?" James asked the comic as he welcomed him to the group.
"I want three models. I want Jennifer Lopez there. And I also want Jennifer Garner there," Pete said. And the comedy just keeps on comin'!
HILARious.
Over in Brooklyn, Randal arrived at Keyspan Park, and if the weather weren't already enough of an indignity, the poor guy stepped in a massive puddle too. Oh how I wished NBC had added a "Wah wah wah." Nevertheless, the determined leader went down to the field to survey the situation, but alas, it was a total mess. There was no way a softball game could take place. And so Randal had to create Plan B out of his ass in very little time. Basically, he decided to hold the event indoors, which meant transporting everything into a dumpy locker room.
"This could be a good option for you guys. It looks kind of nice. Get rid of the ping pong table, cover the bathroom with something, and you got yourself a nice space," the Keyspan Park guy said. Dude, IT'S A LOCKER ROOM!
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