We eventually cut to commercial, and when we returned, Trump blared to us, "On their final tasks, Randal and Rebecca both had to step up. CHECK THIS OUT!" Whoa, whoa. Settle down there. We'll watch. No need to yell. Anyway, we then returned to the watery streets of New York where we spied a broken umbrella lying on the sidewalk like a dead bird. Oh, the horror! The travesty!! No one ever thinks about the real victims of a rain storm: cheap umbrellas!

Anyway, over at Rebecca's event, things were coming together. She was busy filling up gift bags -- or as she calls them, "Begs" -- with flyers and envelopes. As viewers may have remembered, Yahoo explicitly told Rebecca that they didn't want outright solicitations for the charity; therefore, the team had rely on brochures and envelopes to hopefully raise funds. But hey, this may have been a strategic oversight, but at least Toral could stuff those materials into bags wonderfully. Way to go, sista!

Meanwhile, back on the field of soggy dreams, the Outback CEO/mafia dilettante arrived and noted that hey, you can't control the weather. He then took out a crowbar and bashed in the weather's kneecaps. We also took a glimpse at legendary New York DJ Jim Kerr, and holy shit! He's gotten old. Like crazy old. He could be an associate of George's. I'm shocked.

Autism Speak's Alison Singer showed up next, and she looked like she'd just spent the entire morning crying. She didn't really do much except express general concern about the event and make sure her eyes stayed as puffy and quietly disappointed as possible.

Most despondent woman EVER.

After the next commercial break, we then caught a glimpse of the finalists's hometown viewing parties. I enjoyed the announcer describing both scenes, especially when he boomed, "Live in Newark, NJ where Randal supporters are raising the roof!" Because he's black! Anyway, Trump then welcomed back all the previously fired candidates by calling out there names, and when he reached Toral, he simply said, "Toral. Oh, Toral. Oyayoy. Toral!" Look, don't hate on her, Trump. She just happens to have a lot of PASSSION!

Possibly the only thing better than Trump's introduction to Toral, however, was the run of "Mar" names in the middle. As he bellowed each one, his voice becoming more gravelly. "Mark! Markus! MARSHAWN!" Seriously, he was one beat away from simply yelling, "ARGH!!!!" Anyway, Trump welcomed them while the band played a jazzy little rendition of the boardroom music, and then it was back to the show.

Over at Rebecca's event, corporate logos were going up faster than Clay's penis at a polka dot convention. Disturbing comparison. I'm sorry. Anyway, Chris was besides himself as he hung up one Yahoo banner. He proudly clucked, "How cool is it going to be to put that Yahoo sign right there??" Yeah man. It's gonna be crazy cool. I can't even imagine it. IT'S BLOWING MY MIND!

With Yahoo logos everywhere, we almost forgot about that cute little charity pokin' around. But fear not. Rebecca's team hung a single banner up; so that pretty much took care of that. You can thank them later, Elizabeth Glaser AIDS foundation.

As for Randal, after a lesson from Trump on "Respect," his event officially began. "Anything can go wrong right now," he told us. Uh, dude, anything DID go wrong. Nevertheless, you might want to put on some sunglasses because the following star wattage is out of control. First, Sugar Ray Leonard showed up. But even better, Jerry O'Connell too! And because Randal was tall and black, Jerry did what any actor does in that situation: go in for a random dap. You know, just to show he's down with the street, yo. Carson Kressley arrived as well, and it only took about three seconds before he made a cheeky sexual innuendo -- something about getting wet and dirty. And by the way, is that the ghost of Pearl from 227 standing behind Carson and Randal?

It's the late Helen Martin!

Back at Rebecca's fundraiser, people had arrived also and were now partaking in the corporate inundation that was Yahoo. Rebecca noted that they had Yahoo-tinis, Yahoo blinking ice cubes, Yahoo video monitors, and oh yeah, did you check out that groovy Elizabeth Glaser banner over the bar? No, not that one -- that's a Yahoo banner. And so is that one. No, lower. Below the third Yahoo poster. Yeah, that one. Found it!

Well, Trump eventually arrived at Randal's event, and as he affixed an Autism Speaks pin to his lapel, I couldn't help feeling like he was giving us the finger. What gives, Donald?

Randal then took to the stage and talked about autism, thus providing the second heartfelt autism moment of this two-part finale. Sorry, AIDS. You're really dragging your feet on this one. Nevertheless, Randal's speech was so moving and effective that even Crispin Glover appeared out of nowhere to listen:

Crispin Glover?

Jim Kerr then took the stage and provided another celebrity roll call. This time we had a few new names. Let's see, there was Sugar Ray Leonard again, Jerry "manorexic" O'Connell, basketball player Jerome Williams (a.k.a. Junkkyard Dawg, as J-Unit wanted me to mention), Carson Kressley, and oh look, his designer comrade Thom Barron. I couldn't think of a finer group of people to be stuck in a cramped locker room with.

Goodbye George and Carolyn. Hello Random Black Dude and Mr. Met!

Posted by B-side on December 16, 2005 8:04 PM