Lastly, Trump questioned Alla. She always was a favorite of mine, but I had to admit, she looked wretched on this show. Her teeth were more gummy than ever, and she just seemed to have a disheveled look about her. Even worse, she seemed to take a rather nasty tack as she said, "I worked with Rebecca, and I saw literally nothing out of her. That's why I traded her as the weakest link." As a chorus of boos hailed down, Trump acted all surprised, saying, "Whoa! Whoa! That's pretty tough!" Yeah, like you're a real softy, Donald. (Oooh! I got him goood!)

Anyway, we cut to commercial, but not before "An Apprentice Moment" where we relived the epic bloodbath firing of Josh, James, Jennifer, and Mark. Yeah, that was cool and everything, but seriously. Let's get this show on the road. When we returned, Trump introduced us to an executive from Yahoo (sitting next to Wenda Millard, no less. I see she still has her job. I'll just silently pass judgment over here). Anyway, the exec, clearly shamed by Wenda's actions and Trump's not-so-subtle Boardroom message, announced that Yahoo would be donating $50,000 to both Autism Speaks and the Elizabeth Glaser AIDS Foundation. Nice save, Yahoo.

We then returned to the stage where Randal and Rebecca sat before Donald. Finally. The time has come. But wait! Before we could let the fighting begin, Trump wanted the finalists to choose between building a condo complex in New Jersey or overseeing renovations to casinos in Atlantic City. Randal surprisingly chose the casino project (I don't know why that's surprising. IT JUST IS), while Rebecca opted for "the New Jersey project." Hey, they're both in Jersey, BITCH! Okay, she meant the condos. I'll settle down. I'm just anxious to see the final Boardroom.

The Amazing Growing Trump!

All three of these photos were taken from completely different parts of the show.

At long last, the two candidates began squaring off. Randal said he had five degrees but also has run five companies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you still didn't check the weather -- a point Carolyn was all too proud to raise again. When asked to make a case for himself, Randal then addressed the sixteen fired candidates and said, "If you believe I should be the sole and single Apprentice tonight, please stand. Please stand." Of course, since they weren't lit, we couldn't really see who was standing, making the entire proceeding very awkward. But it also seemed like a strange thing to do. This ain't a popularity contest. Otherwise, my man Kwame would have won back on season one -- you know what I'm saying? Nevertheless, I could just barely see Alla standing in the darkness. She really hates Rebecca, huh? Why? Oh yeah, because Rebecca said all the girls except Alla were unintelligent. Awesome.

As for Rebecca, her appeal to Trump had the sort of rehearsed flair normally reserved for politicians running for Congress: "Mr. Trump, you've said if there's a concrete wall in front of you, you walk right through it. Well, Mr. Trump, the reason I'm here today, the reason I started this candidate interview, the reason I've made successes throughout my entire life is because I've completely pushed my way. I've charged my way through those concrete walls in my life, Mr. Trump!" And with that, the horns and violins soared as an American flag unfurled and a bald eagle came to rest on Rebecca's shoulder.

But let's keep it real. "I run business; Rebecca writes about business," Randal said. Awww shit! In your face, Rebecca! Or should I say, Rejeccta!

Once again, Randal started up with talk about his record, but George interrupted him. "Let's talk about the record for a minute," he said, clearly raring up for something big.

"We can't George. It's time for a break," Trump interrupted. What?? NO!!! I wanted to hear what George had to say! And to make matters worse, we didn't actually go to a break. We went to another damned Apprentice moment!! We cut off a Boardroom for THIS?!?! Well, we eventually did go to commercial, and when we returned, Trump told the audience that this selection was not entertainment for him. It was a real job process. A real job process that just happens to involve embarrassing your candidates on national television. Nothing wrong with that! Trump praised both finalists, saying they had amazing educations, and then focused on Rebecca. "I love the way you handled pressure," he said, noting that she performed best out of everyone under duress. He also praised her loyalty, even though he wasn't quite sure why she was so adamant about Toral. Trump then turned to Randal and lauded his leadership qualities, saying that he had the ability to inspire others through niceness. Aww, Randal. Can't deny that. The man is a class act.

And now the moment of truth. The Donald turned to Rebecca and said, "Rebecca, you're outstanding. Randal.... [dramatic pause] ... You're hired!" Ah, the triumph of the Squidward! Congrats Randal! This was no real surprise. I mean, how could Trump NOT hire him. He was pegged from day one as the favorite pick. Still, after an hour and a half of careful misdirection that had us actually believing that Rebecca might win this, I would have preferred for Donald not to have polled the fired candidates. It kind of reminded us that yeah, this is a shoo-in for Randal.

Well, with a giant grin on his face, Randal shook Donald, George, and Carolyn's hands and then headed over to his cast mates who smothered him with hugs. Ah, but Trump wasn't don't yet. "Randal! Randal!" he bellowed, but the new Apprentice was so absorbed in the glory of the moment that he completely ignored his impatient boss. Finally, the music died down and Donald gave one last, sitcommy yell: "RANDAAAAL!!!" This seemed to finally jar Randal out of his celebration as he returned to the table.

Posted by B-side on December 16, 2005 8:04 PM