This week's episode began with Tarek, Lenny, and Lee returning to the suite as if they'd just braved the rice patties of Vietnam. Tarek looked absolutely destroyed and traumatized, forever doomed to wake up with night terrors for the rest of his life (perhaps set to the theme to Platoon). Surely, I thought there'd be massive fallout from last week's turbulent, finger-pointing Boardroom, but instead, the show merely focused on all the raucous good times as the rest of the contestants welcomed their buddies back into the fold. And by the way, I think it's been quite some time since we've seen such an outpouring of pure joy from fellow Apprentice-ites. There were hugs, cheers, and smiles everywhere. It was like Crash winning all over again (minus a red-haired, big breasted woman with mouth agape and dress on the verge of wardrobe malfunction. You know which one I'm talking about).

The next morning, the teams gathered on the sidewalk to meet Trump, who stepped out of his limo not with George and Carolyn, but with the ultimate JV squad of Bill Rancic and, yes, dearest Ivanka. Lovely, blank-faced Ivanka. I didn't know how to feel about this. Over the past two seasons, Bill has proven himself to be a non-entity in the Boardroom, and Ivanka, well, who knew what she had to offer beyond a disturbingly female version of The Donald's face. Anyway, Trump soon outlined this week's task, which had to do with text messaging. "This is new technology to me. It's old technology to you. But to me, what the hell do I know about text messaging?" he laughed (causing all his supplicants to roar with undeserved laughter as well). I found it surprising that The Donald so easily 'fessed up to not knowing much about text messaging. Surely, he must know something about it. For starters, I think it's abundantly clear that text messaging is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!! Sorry, I do that every time. Tell me if it's getting old. I can't help myself. I'm addicted. Being addicted is a THIRTY BILL-- okay, okay, I'll stop myself.

Of course, this challenge wasn't really about text messaging. That was just a mere conduit for grandiose product placement, as usual. This week's lucky brand? Gillette, the company famous for comparing a dinky razor to an aircraft carrier / space rocket /race car/ a thousand bald eagles soaring triumphantly over the mountains of destiny. Unsurprisingly, Trump happily boasted, "Gillette's been making the finest shaving products for over one hundred years. I use 'em. I love 'em. They're the best." Wow. For sure I thought he'd plug some new product like "Trump Razor" or "Epi-Trump," but maybe that was just wishful thinking. Things then veered into the odd and uncomfortable when Trump suggested that the women use the razor too, but not on their faces. Okay, let's just move on before Gloria Aldred shows up and begins screaming.

Anyway, the big challenge (kind of forgot about it, didn't you?) was to develop a text message marketing campaign to generate buzz for the new Gillette Fusion something or another. Each team would receive a keyword, and the group that generated the most text messages to that word would win the challenge. Pretty simple concept. After explaining all this to his wannabe protégés, Trump then kissed Ivanka on the cheek (aww) and headed off. Poor Bill. No kiss for him.

The first team we caught up with was Synergy, which was led by Pepi (pronounced Pepé). He was an affable guy with a funny accent and a bewildered, overwhelmed look in his eye. He had absolutely no control over his team which was chaotically attempting some sort of brainstorming session. Brent, who always looks like he just ran ten blocks, tried to contribute ideas to group, but criminal defense lawyer Stacy continually cut him off. You see, she kind of, well, had absolutely no respect for the poor guy. Sure, he may be fat, and sure, his idea may be silly, and sure, he may be a complete mess, but... where was I going with this again? Anyway, Stacy then told us, "I just cannot imagine how somebody gets anywhere with zero skills, zero ability to make a decision, and who constantly has to be the center of attention." It's called going on reality television.

After enough rude interruptions from Stacy, Brent decided to pull her aside and tell her to stop. "You've been cutting me off the entire time, and you gotta stop doing it, or I'm going to start doing it in front of the entire group," he said. I was sure what "doing it in front of the entire group" necessarily meant. Best case scenario: a confrontation. Worst case: something involving bodily fluids and/or movements.

Brent likes the "I just ran up twelve flights of stairs" look.

Posted by B-side on March 8, 2006 6:22 PM