Shape Up or Ship Out - 
by B-side
The fifth season of The Apprentice continues to bloom like a wonderful, fragrant flower (with bad hair), and on Monday's show, we were treated to another hilarious squabble-fest in the Boardroom. We knew we were in for good times when we found out that this week's challenge involved producing a commercial -- a task that has engendered some of the silliest moments in Apprentice history. While most people remember Erin's sultry cucumber stroking or Kristen's jizz-covered jogger from season three, my favorite homemade commercial came from Randal and Rebecca. Overacting has never been so enjoyable ("Gosh, I hate waiting for these large files!!"). So what better way to improve on a classic mission than to impose a strict time limit and set it out to sea? That's right. The wannabe Trumps had three hours to shoot a commercial on a cruiseliner. Did somebody say chaos?
The show opened up in The Boardroom as we re-lived Brent's disastrous final moments. Oh, what a pure, bagel-consuming mess he was. Surprisingly enough, we focused mostly on Andrea and her shocked, SHOCKED, reaction to Roxanne, who said that Tammy had been the best Project Manager thus far. How dare Roxanne speak such heresy! Andrea's reign of power was bountiful and glorious for Team Synergy! Anyone who thinks otherwise might as well be shot! Sadly, Andrea did not then go running out of the Boardroom and cry in the bathroom.
Meanwhile, up in the suite, Gold Rush prepared dinner and gabbed around the table. They all hoped Brent would be coming back, simply because it meant Synergy would probably wind up back in the Boardroom yet again. This led to general Brent bashing, topped off with Tarek mocking, "Hey guys! Where're the bagels?"
Sadly for Gold Rush, their wishes went unfulfilled. Synergy returned sans Brent, causing great sadness amongst Lee and Tarek. Lenny, on the other hand, looked positively ebullient as he smiled widely and hugged everyone. Then again, he could have also been drunk. We then focused in on a bagel in a plastic bag -- the last symbolic remnants of Brent Michael Buchman. I was shocked that he hadn't packed this tasty snack away. You know that somewhere in the city that night, there was a man crying for his poppy seed bagel.
Later, Roxanne and Andrea had a little tête-à-tête off to the side. You see, Andrea was a little taken aback by Roxanne's comments in the Boardroom and wanted to know what the dealio was. Granted, she wasn't offended by what Roxanne said. "I was just surprised. I was surprised, that's it," Andrea said. Translation: Actually, yes, I was offended. Well, Andrea's ego was damaged, and now she wanted Roxanne to grovel and apologize until the situation was properly remedied. Unfortunately, Roxy had bad news for her: she thought that Andrea had treated the team poorly as Project Manager -- something that Andrea merely brushed off as weakness on Roxanne's part. "If Roxanne can't handle someone being direct with her, then she cannot work for Donald Trump. Period," Andrea said. Funny, I was pretty sure it was Andrea getting flustered by Roxanne's directness, not the other way around.
Anyway, the next day, we skipped entirely over the early morning Rhona call and found ourselves on a cruise ship where The Donald (along with Bill and Carolyn -- dammit! No George and Carolyn again? This is ridiculous) asked a captain about exciting things like keels and hulls and whatnot. "How many propellers does this ship have?" Trump asked. Furthermore, are they Trump Propellers -- a.k.a. the BEST PROPELLERS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD??? Well, for all you wondering, there were only two propellers, which was kind of lame. I was expecting like thirty or, I don't know, A THOUSAND. Worst giant cruise ship EVER!
Turns out this was not just any cruise ship. This was the Norwegian Jewel (rah!) from the Norwegian Cruise Line (RAH!!!). From Norway! (RAAAAHHH!!!) Sorry, had to go for the hat trick. Anyway, the teams soon filed in, and Trump gave them a little lesson about the cruise line industry. Wait for it... wait for it...
"The cruise line industry is a TEN BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!!!" he bellowed. I would have expected a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR industry, but then again, I might have been thinking of just the propeller industry alone... which just so happens to be a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!!!!
Anyway, to the delight of all viewers at home, the teams had to make commercials for the cruise line promoting the company's new "freestyle cruising" campaign. And no, that wasn't Norwegian Cruise Line's new gay fleet. Freestyle cruising was the company's new policy of letting guests eat and dine whenever they wanted to! Oh god. I've turned into a shill. Damn you, product placement!!
Well, unlike other seasons past, there would be a strict time limit enforced on the filming of these commercials. The boat was leaving at 3 PM sharp. This meant that teams had to wrap their productions by then... otherwise they'd be trapped on board. Oh, and by the way -- 3 PM was only three hours away. You know what that means: Conga music and pandemonium! We quickly cut to Gold Rush as Dan assumed the Project Manager position and promptly went nuts. He was following the Theresa school of management: shout things spastically and hope something works. In this case, Dan eschewed the "GET ME A COACH AND HORSES!" demands in favor of writing down random words. "Put down casino!" he yelled for no real reason. I half expected him to add, "Now put down carpet. And hedgehog. Then chaise-lounge. Okay, and how about turnpike? Do we need a verb? We're doing Mad-Libs, right?"
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 Next Page... ( Comments ) | Discuss In Our Forums