Well, if there's anyone who doesn't like insanity, it's Lenny. "It was so hectic! I couldn't stand [it]!" he told us. It was like all his blimp nightmares come to life! Luckily, amidst all the shouting and confusion, Lenny managed to piece together an idea that at least he and Lee really liked. Basically, it was about a castaway who's saved by the Norwegian Jewel, and consequently comes to love the "Freestyle Cruising" experience. Because honestly, if there's something you hate after seven days of floating in the ocean, it's those damn rigid buffet schedules! I want my casserole now, DAMMIT!

It wasn't a great idea. It wasn't a terrible idea. But it was a good jumping off place for Gold Rush. Of course, with only three hours to film, I didn't know how they were going to create any sort of decent narrative, but such is the joy of the "make a commercial" challenge.

Over at Synergy, Project Manager Roxanne was going for a simpler, more straightforward approach to her commercial. She was simply going to contrast stodgy, old, regimented cruising with new, empowering, freestyle cruising. (Seriously, I really feel like I'm peddling a gay porn here.) Anyway, there was some mild chaos on Synergy, mostly in that Roxanne didn't seem to be stepping up that much -- or at least not as much as Andrea would have liked -- but we knew she'd be okay because, let's face it, the second team profiled after the assignment always wins.

After the commercial break, The Donald told us to "Listen to Your People!" This was evidenced by season three winner Kendra Todd popping up in Trump's office and advising him to aggressively attack an international market. Too bad Tana wasn't hired. She would have insisted on an aggressive bedazzling campaign instead. Anyway, Kendra said that an international market would open up foreign territories (genius deduction) and blah blah blah back to the show.

Kendra LOVES foreign markets!

Now, according to Trump, listening was important, and Dan most certainly listened to Lenny's idea -- so maybe Gold Rush would be in the clear after all, despite having been profiled first. Eh, not so much. After Donald's business lesson, we then cut to Dan doing everything himself (i.e. not listening! BUSTED!!). Basically, Lee, Charmaine, Leslie, and Lenny were left to stand around and watch. With nothing to do, the two ladies decided to hit the toilets and gossip, which then led to the ever so awkward shot of them both sitting in their stalls peeing. Yes, we saw their feet and yes, WE HEARD THE PEE!!! Plus there was this really distracting cloth on the ground. I really didn't know what to make of the whole situation.

Anyway, while they pissed in the bowl, the girls talked about how much Dan sucked and how he wasn't delegating and how he was the spawn of satan and whatnot. We then cut to them standing at the sinks as Charmaine said, "Powerful toilet, huh?"

???

And then Leslie responded, "Yeah, I know. I almost got sucked down with the ship. But if we delegate..." And just like that, they were back to bashing Dan. It was the most random two seconds of toilet commentary ever on reality TV. Don't get me wrong, I was very glad the editors kept it in there, but I couldn't help asking "Why?" I mean, they could have easily snipped that entire portion out. I have to think they were as amused as I was. As for the pee sounds -- we don't like to hear women doing that! Guys -- fine. Frank Drebbin, Homer Simpson -- both excellent urine fiends. But do we really need any Charmaine/Leslie watersports? Methinks not. Unless you're into that sort of thing. In which case, please, enjoy yourself.

Aaaanyhoo... As Dan continued to direct his commercial, Bill Rancic entered and was promptly intercepted by Lee, who enthusiastically explained the entire situation to him. This caused Dan to complain to us that Lee always seems to perk up whenever Bill or Carolyn come by -- well, yeah! He has nothing ELSE to do!

Over at Synergy, with only twenty-three minutes left, Roxanne was racing to meet her deadline. Since she wanted to show how absolutely god-awful and terrible old-fashioned cruising was, she instructed her actors to look and sad and bored. But when Roxanne had to step away for two seconds to answer a phone call, Andrea butted in and told the actors to cheer up. And rightfully so. Only one person's allowed to act glum around here, and that's Andrea (provided she has a bathroom she can lock herself into and cry in).

Well, this did not please Roxanne, but she handled it like a pro by avoiding a fight and simply moving on to the next take. However, she did tell us in an interview, "Andrea doesn't know how to play in the sandbox. I actually know how to play in the sandbox." This will be very helpful once The Donald reveals his latest real estate venture: Trump Sandbox.

With the clock winding down, I began to fear that neither of these teams would be able to get off the boat in time, therefore dooming themselves to a highly unprofessional mid-interview cruise to the Caribbean. That, of course, got us at the TVgasm offices thinking of a great way to scam a free cruise: pretend you're on board to tape a reality show and -- oops, the ship already left port! Guess we'll just have to go along for the ride!

Posted by B-side on March 29, 2006 11:47 AM