Anyway, back up in the suite, Gold Rush prepared for another intense battle. So far this season, the best Boardrooms have featured these knuckleheads, and I was sure this week's showdown would be no exception. Tarek knew he was on borrowed time with Trump, and so he began campaigning against Lenny and Lee, well, mostly Lee. I wish I could remember what he said about the guys, but I was too distracted by the rare sight of Tarek's hair without the typical gallon of gel in it. Actually, I do remember one thing Tarek said. He told Dan that in Boardroom, "Keep in mind that you have zero friends." Ominous foreshadowing, dearest Tarek.

Well, the gang eventually made their way down to the Boadroom, and that lazy bitch Robin didn't even bother to open the doors for them this week. What's with her? Sometimes she gets up. Sometimes she hides in her desk. I guess it all depends on the status of her Sudoku game. Anyway, as the team filed into the room, Carolyn -- adorned in a snakeskin coat -- shot them a pissy look. The sort of look that says "I just killed twelve gophers on my golf course. With my bare hands. What did you do today?"

Snakeskin!

Trump began drilling the team about Dan's leadership and whatnot, and almost immediately Leslie sparked to life, saying that her broadcast journalism background was completely ignored. She said that every time she mentioned it, he simply didn't listen to her. Dan denied the accusation, saying he never heard Leslie say anything about broadcast journalism. You didn't hear it because you don't LISTEN, jerk!

"I don't recall it," Dan said.

"You don't recall a lot, DAN!" Leslie snapped back. Oooh! Did Nick Cannon just enter the room? Because these two are wild 'n' out!

Tarek then entered the fray and said, "If Leslie had stepped and said..." I wish I could finish the quote, but at that point, the Boardroom turned into one giant bicker-fest. Seriously. There were about four people all talking over each other. Just about the only person who was silent was Lenny. Finally, after enough of this, Carolyn leveled the team by asking, "Excuse me. Do you know how ridiculous you all sound right now?" Shut up, Carolyn. I was enjoying that (and Trump was too, btw).

"You kind of sound like you're ten years old," she said. Oooh, total snakeskin jacket bitchslap!

With order restored, Trump returned to his critique. He said that he was happy to finally see some energy out of Leslie (wait 'till she starts talking about toilets, Mr. Trump), and then he lambasted the entire idea of the commercial.

"But everybody likes it," Lenny retorted. Yes, just as I'm sure everybody liked when you seasoned Jean Georges's food last week.

Bill, meanwhile, felt that the biggest problem was not the commercial idea. "That was a fatal blow in my opinion. Having text on the bottom of the screen and no voiceover," he said. Tarek tried to then explain his artistic choice, making some ridiculous comparison to impressionist paintings and whatnot. It was such a silly thing to say that Trump returned to his favorite game: making fun of Tarek's MENSA membership.

"I've never seen a genius make so many mistakes," he said. You should see Stephen Hawkings try to prepare a frisée salad. Total disaster.

With the momentum going against him and Tarek, Dan tried to pin everything on Lee. "Let me describe Lee in a nutshell. Lee enters a situation with the impression of 'How can I position myself best?'" Dan said.

"But don't you want to position yourself best?" Trump asked. EXACTLY.

Trump then asked everyone who they'd vote off. After some thought, Charmaine said, "I think that... Tarek's inability to listen somewhat impedes the creative process, and that's where we missed the boat." Sounds like somebody's feeling a bit punny today! Oh, Charmaine, so clever. May your puns forever light up the television landscape.

Ultimately, Dan decided to take Lee and Tarek back with him into the Boardroom, something that totally shocked Tarek. I guess he kind of forgot about that whole "You have zero friends" thing. Dan also pondered bringing Lenny back with him (causing Lenny to shrug and say, "Why not?"), but ultimately, he feared that The Russian and Lee would gang up on him -- so he stuck with his original game plan. Not a good move. Turned out that Carolyn HATED the commercial concept and was Super Snakeskin Coat Annoyed that Lenny wasn't in the Boardroom. Trump then grilled Dan as to why he brought Tarek back with him.

"Tarek came over to me and said 'I just want to let you know, you have no friends in that Boardroom. No one.' And I was kind of expecting to have that followed up with 'Except for me.' But it didn't come," Dan said. I could almost hear a violin playing in the background. He might as well have said, "Tarek was mean to me! I hate Tarek!"

Trump then busted Dan's chops for bringing Lee into the Boardroom instead of Lenny, to which Dan said they were a team (?). Team schmeam. The only reason Lenny wasn't in the Boardroom was because Dan was afraid of him -- a point that Carolyn was all too happy to make (snakeskin!).

But don't think that Tarek was off the hook now. Trump again fixated on MENSA, saying, "You're like an embarrassment for what you represent... I think the MENSA people should change the test because there's something wrong. You've made so many basic mistakes."

Well, after a long, vicious rant against Tarek, it looked like the Orlando Bloom doppleganger would finally be getting the heave-ho, but no! Trump axed Dan for his complete lack of leadership. "I expected that," Dan muttered in response. Shut up. Just leave.

Posted by B-side on March 29, 2006 11:47 AM