Jingle All The Way - 
by B-side
I was a little concerned about last night's Apprentice. The teams seemed to be acting just a tad too polite. There was no infighting, no bickering, no backstabbing. It seemed like everyone was being -- dare I say it -- professional. What a shame, too. This week's big task had these non-creative stiffs penning a jingle for Arby's -- surely ground zero for some sort of meltdown or drama. But no, it was smooth sailing all the way. That is, until the last ten minutes of the show. What had been a rather ordinary Boardroom suddenly turned into a ridiculous and tense spectacle as one person went down in flames. No, that's putting it lightly. More like this person went down in a mushroom cloud. It was a total disaster... and it was awesome.
The show opened up with a brief snippet from last week's Boardroom which was followed by the survivors -- Tarek and Lee -- returning to the suite. Before the two walked back in, however, we then cozied up next to Charmaine, who noted, "It's gonna be really weird if Tarek comes back again." Well, guess what, Charmaine? It's gonna be really weird because two seconds later, in walked Tarek -- his hair extra greasy from the Boardroom perspiration. Ah yes, the golden boy of Gold Rush had survived another round with The Donald, much to the dismay of his teammates. At this point, everyone was gunning for the MENSA man, but good ol' Bryce wasn't going to let his favorite Orlando Bloom doppleganger go down without a fight. He was going to look out for Tarek, keep the girls at bay, restore peace to the team. Yes, it would be a Pax Gold Rush-a, and we'd all have Bryce to thank for this bountiful new era.
Or so Bryce would have us believe. He elected himself Project Manager and gathered the group around to discuss all the "issues." He wanted to work everything out -- oh, and he wanted to do it in fifteen minutes. That's less time than most people spend on a treadmill. For a moment, I thought that maybe Bryce had some sort of express Dr. Phil routine ready to go, but it turned out that he merely was terrible with time (as we'd later find out in the episode).
Anyway, the group all sat down, and Tarek began to vent about his issues. He seemed to be doing well, earnestly noting that he's always going to be called out in the Boardroom no matter what he does. He almost had us feeling bad for him... until he said, "I get the feeling that the reason for that [the scapegoating] is because you all think that I'm a strong player, and you want to get rid of me." He then added, "Luckily, I'm incredibly modest."
Okay, he didn't say that last part, but like every episode, we went from kind of liking Tarek to pretty much hating him all in one quick turn of the dime. And just in case we weren't totally turned off by his general smugness, he then told us, "I'm a little bit honored that they keep coming after me." And I'm sure Orlando Bloom is a little bit honored that you keep trying TO BE HIM.
Nevertheless, everyone scoffed at Tarek's cocky comments, and Charmaine tried to describe how Tarek never seemed to listen -- he always just rolls his eyes (insert floppy, overdramatic Charmaine gesticulation here) and sighs angrily. To counter this, Tarek then adopted one of his more patronizing voices and said he'd improve. "You got it!" he said, followed by a huff. Nothing says "I do, in fact, listen" like brushing someone off without listening to their comments.
After the opening credits (yes, we've only gotten about five minutes into the show), we suddenly found ourselves in a gloomy, rainy New York. I guess it was somewhat appropriate considering it was Yom Kippur. Yes, if you thought the High Holidays ended with that Rosh Hashannah craziness a few weeks ago -- you were wrong. It was Yom Kippur time, baby, and Lee had to excuse himself from this week's task to attend high holiday services. And so we saw Lee walking through the streets in a trench coat, mournful music playing in the background. This was the saddest Yom Kippur ever. Look, I know Yom Kippur is one of the most serious and least festive holidays out there, but c'mon, Mark Burnett. You're making this look like Lee had just entered Mystic River. Incidentally, going to Yom Kippur services is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!
While Lee went hungry in synagogue, the rest of the gang took the elevator down to the lobby of Trump Tower where we discovered that Andrea had yet to part with her periwinkle Norwegian Cruises scarf. I can understand. Some memories are too sacred to let go of. I still have each and every complimentary pillow from American Airlines. What's that? They're not complimentary? Uh... What I meant to say was that... I like cheese! Yum! Anyhoo...
(By the way, don't worry. I definitely do not collect those ratty-ass pillows. I do, however, collect worthless receipts that I forget about in the back of my jeans).
Anyway, Trump stood before the teams and was joined by Carolyn and Bill (George was at Yom Kippur services, natch). The big man then revealed that his "signature collection" (shirts, watches, board games, and all trinkets bearing the Trump name) were on display in a case behind him. "It's a hot brand, and it's only getting hotter!" he boasted. Funny thing is -- I've never seen anyone wearing Trump couture or drinking Trump Ice or really using any sort of Trump merchandise. But hey, he says it's getting hotter. What's not to believe? Trump then blared at the teams, "Putting your brand's signature collection on display is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!"
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