Well, as you can imagine, this did not sit well with the good people of Arby's. The CEO politely yet firmly chastised the group for being late, saying that it was highly unprofessional. Surely Bryce would simply apologize and move forward, but no, instead he opened his big mouth and began making defensive excuses. "We're just not that familiar with the city, most of us, and we don't exactly understand what it takes to get certain places, and I didn't even realize we were twenty-five minutes late 'cause I don't think I knew exactly what time we were supposed to be here. And I certainly apologize for that," he said. Byrce, let me ask you a question: ARE YOU A TOTAL IDIOT? It's bad enough that you babbled as long as you did, but then you claimed that you didn't even know what time the meeting was? Charmaine told you! And isn't it not such a smart thing to confess as the team leader that you had no idea when the meeting was? I'm surprised he didn't then say, "I didn't realize we were late because I can't tell time. Clocks are beyond me. I don't actually even know what a clock is. Do you know?"

ArbyShock!

By the way, for the record...

After the commercial break, we then learned this week's big lesson: "Command Respect." This was demonstrated by Trump talking with (or at, really) some escalator repair men who smiled politely but looked positively afraid for their lives. "Isn't this a brand new escalator? I bought a brand new escalator, fellas," Trump blared (as if he really pays that close attention to his escalator maintenance). Clearly, buying brand new escalators is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY.

Over on Synergy, the team jingle was slowly emerging from its zygotic form. Roxanne sang some bland, atonal tune which everyone actually really liked. I would have liked it too -- had there been any sign of musicality involved. Soon Tammy lended her singing inabilities to the jingle, and from there it just snowballed. Next thing we knew, EVERYONE was singing along dreadfully. And it kept getting worse. And worse. AND WORSE. WORST GLEE CLUB EVER!

Finally, the sing-along ceased as real musicians (no Wyclef, sorry) entered the picture and took over. Yes, Synergy was firing on all cylinders, but not everyone was pleased. Michael expressed concern that Sean may have been taking on too much responsibility for himself. Yeah, whatever. That was some nice misdirection, Mark Burnett, but we know this team is fine.

On the other end of the spectrum was Gold Rush, which struggled to produce any sort of creative idea. Lenny came up with the bizarre notion of starting the jingle off with five seconds of bells, but everyone shot down that idea on account of it, you know, not making any sense whatsoever. Lenny then resorted to whistling a tune, but again -- random notes do not a jingle make.

"Jingle schmingle. I have no idea what it is, really," Lenny told us. Seriously, just turn on the radio and listen for five minutes. You'll hear a freakin' jingle. Not too difficult to find. But then Lenny told us, "Back in Russia, we no have jingles. Instead, we have vodka and sadness."

Still, despite being jingly-challenged, Lenny continued to serve up well-intentioned but totally awful ideas. His crowning accomplishment was "Who come first? Chicken or eggs? Chicken Natural is always the best." It was a particularly terrible suggestion, but he seemed so amused, it was hard to really fault him. You gotta love Lenny, right? It's Lenny!

Well, Leslie and Charmaine sat down at an All In The Family-type piano and began working out lyrics, forcing each word and rhyme out as if they were giving birth. Clearly, the creative process was not as smooth and natural as Synergy's. Probably didn't help that Synergy had a nice, hi-tech recording studio whereas Gold Rush seemed to be cramped up in some dingy, old apartment. Eventually, the girls managed to output some lyrics, which meant it was time for Tarek as music direction to work his magic. And by "magic," I mean "complete lack of skill." He put together a musical arrangement that sounded so non-ironically hokey and silly, I half expected it to be coming out of a chicken automaton in Disneyland or perhaps Stew Leonard's (best grocery store ever, btw). And just in case we weren't totally sure that Gold Rush had missed the mark, Bryce said those famous last words: "I think we nailed the task." Memo to future Apprentice candidates. NEVER SAY THAT PHRASE. The producers will always use it against you.

"Boy the way Glenn Miller played. Songs that made the Hit Parade...

The next day, it was time for the big performance. Everyone who was anyone was heading to the Knitting Factory to hear the live renditions of these jingles. I know that whenever McDonald's comes out with a new ditty, I always rush to see the live show too. You don't even want to know how wonderful the "I'm Lovin' It" concert was at the Hollywood Bowl. Anyway, like I said, everyone was going to the concert -- even Donald Trump, who advised his new Asian secretary, Twee (sp.?), about the big event. I didn't know who Twee was, but I bet Rhona hated her. Then again, it's a well-documented fact that Rhona is a giant xenophobe. Okay, I just made that up. Rhona is the bestest!

"Twee's been sitting at my desk again. Bitch."

Posted by B-side on April 4, 2006 2:19 PM