The Price Isn't Right - 
by B-side
When it comes to savory product placements, The Apprentice has had its share of duds. A certain cheeseburger pizza comes to mind. Well, just when the bile had finally settled back down after that Domino's disaster, along came 7-Eleven with its take on how to destroy that most beloved of meals: pizza. Ladies and gentlemen: meet the P'Eatzza -- a sandwich made from, you guessed it, pizza! Now, a normal 7-Eleven sandwich is bad enough on its own, but housed between two nasty slices of old pizza? It's just a gastro-intestinal disaster waiting to happen. Not even the can-do attitude of aspiring corporate wannabes could make this sandwich look appealing -- and you know me; I'm a total sucker for Apprentice product placement. I know Arby's. Arby's is a friend of mine. And you, P'Eatzza, are no Arby's.
This second hour of the big Apprentice marathon started with the lovable ladies (a.k.a. the cliquey harpies) of Synergy confronting Michael about his indecisive leadership. They all told him he was lucky to have won because he was NOT responsible for the victory (oh SNAP!). Well, obviously Michael took this harshly, telling us, "It's a complete blow to my character." Character? Or ego? Actually, I shouldn't ask that. Wouldn't want to overload Michael with options. Cut to him ten hours later pondering, "Character or ego... I don't know. Maybe I should call someone."
Meanwhile, over on Gold Rush, Lee was still mourning the loss of his hetero-lifemate Lenny. It was a tough loss for him (and for us too, really -- who else will provide the surly and rude observations that we know and love? Oh, that's right. TRUMP). Anyway, Charmaine then confronted Lee, saying that down in the Boardroom he really acted his age by putting friendship over performance. Whatever, Charmy, Lee's gonna be loyal to his cronies, and you'll just have to deal with that. Yes, Lee stated that he couldn't change who he was and that he'd always be partial to his friends. Too bad he had none left. Ha! SUCKER! I mean, FRIENDLESS SUCKER!
The next morning, that mistress of the dawn, Rhona, called up to the suite, but not even the most piercing ring could disturb the heavy slumber that had descended upon the candidates. Luckily, Charmaine arose from her beauty sleep and managed to answer Rhona's call. The directions were simple: go to the park and meet The Donald. A quick morning montage later, and we suddenly found our intrepid group of lackeys standing in Central Park, waiting for Trump to arrive. Sure enough, we then cut to The Donald driving himself through the park in his hoity-toity McLaren SLR, or as I like to call it, "shiny Mercedes with cool vents on the side."
God, he even sleeps annoyingly.
Anyway, this was a very special day, we soon found out, and not just because Donald had let the chauffeur stay at home for once. No, the big news was that George and Carolyn were reunited again for the first time since the season premiere. Hallelujah! Order is restored! My lifeblood... it's coming back to me!
Well, before we could learn this week's task, there was some business to attend to. Synergy had been on a winning spree, and as a result, they had to send someone over to Gold Rush. The Donald asked if anyone would like to join the other team, and sensing that he was no longer wanted or loved by his catty contemporaries, Michael volunteered to cross on over to the dark side. This was great news for Synergy, and Allie in particular was very excited. "One of the main reasons why we're not going to lose this task is 'cause we got rid of Michael, and now he's on Gold Rush. They have to deal with him, and how can we lose?" she boasted, hopefully foreshadowing a miserable failure on her part. She really is quite punchable, isn't she? Something about Allie's forced mannerisms and pea-shaped head makes you just want to shake her. I bet she's an annoying drunk. The type that has two glasses of red-wine, gets a little hyper, says things like "I've only had two glasses of red wine and look at me!" and then passes out ten minutes later. Either that or she turns into a raging slut. But I think it's probably the former.
As I mentioned earlier, this week's lovable corporate sponsor was the bastion of high quality epicurean delights, 7-Eleven. Trump told us that there are so many damn 7-Eleven stores around the world that one is opening every five hours. That would make sense, really. Let's not forget that opening a 7-Eleven every five hours is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!
Anyway, Trump then revealed this week's task. "They want you to launch a new sandwich called Pa-Eats-Ah," he said, articulating every vowel (and then some) in what we later discovered was the P'Eatzza. Teams had to use a promotional giveaway and tie in the 7-Eleven racing team car into the task, and whoever increased P'Eatzza sales the most per store would win. Now, before we move on, let's talk about something. The P'Eatzza. What the HELL were the executives thinking? That has to be one of the very worst product names I've ever heard. I mean, P'Eatzza? I know they were going for the pun and all, but why not go for something that doesn't sound as dumb, like "Pizzawich" or some stupid name like that? And on top of that, it's kind of hard to say, what with that apostrophe in there. I mean, who uses an apostrophe in a sandwich name? It's not B'Mac. It's BIG MAC. It's not Wh'pper. It's WHOPPER. It's not Lil' John. It's... oh wait, yes, it is Lil' John.
"Hey, guys, I found this random food in the trash. Let's call it a P'Eatzza."
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