A-Fresh A-Pepi? - 
by B-side
Wow. Talk about a disturbing cliffhanger. We've seen our fair share of final challenge cliffhangers on The Apprentice -- bailing celebrities, inclement weather, more bailing celebrities -- but last night's twist was completely unexpected. In fact, I'd say it was totally random. And gross. And scary. I almost felt like I was watching the first five minutes of House. It was such a strange turn of events that I nearly forgot about Lee's head-scratching personnel picks for his final team. Basically, everything was kind of weird and nutty on this penultimate episode. Even the placement of the show itself -- Memorial Day, four days after the normal television season had ended -- seemed oddly distracting. I mean, all the other reality shows have long since wrapped up, and here we are, still plugging away with The Apprentice. The show's like a fifth year senior. Or that really lame guy who stays at the party entirely too long. That's not to say that I want this wonderful season to end. It's just that after American Idol wraps up, all other finales feel a bit... anticlimactic. Especially when the remaining contestants (cough, Lee, cough, Sean) are on the (very) lame side.
We started last night's episode with a neat little recap of Roxanne and Allie's demise. For those of you who may have forgotten, both women went into the Boardroom last week as friends and then quickly devolved into two bickering harpies, trying to claw out each other's eyes and gain favor with The Donald. Unfortunately, Trump was dismayed by the flagrant disloyalty these best buds showed each other, and so he simply swung the axe extra wide and sent both of them packing (swinging axes? Packed bags? Sorry, metaphors must be mixed for such a momentous occasion).
Anyway, after the recap was over, we caught up with Sean and Lee waiting in the suite for one of the girls to return (heh, they're not going to return, suckahs!). I couldn't help wondering whether or not Trump would be ascending to the living quarters to deliver the good news (as he had done last season post-Felish/Alla firing). It didn't look like such a visit would be in store. That's probably because Trump had all the respect for Randal and Rebecca, two of the best finalists ever, as opposed to Lee and Sean, two of the very worst.
Tired of strumming his fingers on the table, Sean finally made a bold proclamation. "You know what?" he said to Lee, "I'm just going to eat because I'm hungry, and I really don't care to wait for them. I really don't care!" He then added, "Plus, I really want to start my nightly Notting Hill screening early this evening." Okay, he didn't say that, but he did get all fussy as he fixed himself some dinner. We then saw Lee already chomping down on some food. That's right, Lee. Oops! Somebody forgot to wait!
The opening credits rolled, and then when returned to the suite where the guys were still eating dinner. Suddenly, the phone rang. What? The phone was ringing? It never rings at night! The guys stared at it as if it were some awful omen of things to come. Maybe it was the killer from Scream! HE'S IN THE NEXT ROOM! (Oh, how I would have loved for some Jiffy-Pop to explode at that moment!)
Okay, okay. There were no stalkers or murderers or people seeking vengeance on Sydney Prescott. Instead, it was dearest Robin requesting the men's presence down in the Boardroom. Tea and crumpets would be served. No, they wouldn't be. I don't know why I said that. (But if this were Martha's Apprentice, I'm sure it could have been arranged). Well, even though this call had nothing to do with any sort of horror villain, the guys certainly became scared nonetheless. They had no idea why they had to go back downstairs, and as they freaked out, we suddenly saw Sean in an idiotic black turtleneck, black blazer outfit. Shut up, SPROCKETS.
I didn't realize this was The Apprentice: Bob Fosse.
"He's probably going to ask us who we think should be fired," Lee predicted as he rushed back into his suit. Oh irony! Nevertheless, the guys were not happy about this because they knew one thing: going into the Boardroom was never a good thing. Still, they hustled out the front door (even though Lee still hadn't put on his tie) and headed down to the Boardroom where Trump greeted them like a giant, happy Buddha.
"Generally speaking, the Boardroom is not a place where you want to be," The Donald said. Being in a place where, generally speaking, you don't want to be is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY! Sorry. I just had to.
Nevertheless, Trump continued: "But tonight, it's a little bit different. I congratulate you both. I fired Roxanne. I fired Allie. You are the final two. So that's really a great achievement. It's an amazing achievement." He then added, "It's possibly the greatest achievement in man's history. Therefore, I shall call it Trump Achievement."
After some goofy grins by Sean and Lee, Trump then told the guys that he wanted them to go back upstairs, look at the candidates who've been fired, each pick three of them, and form a team. The Donald then promised, "I'm going to give you the hardest task you've had so far." Yes, they'd have to be Melania's wet nurses. Commence suckling NOW!
Sadly, the wet-nurse thing was just a hopeful guess that would later turn out to be wrong (Blast!). We wouldn't get to hear what the big challenge would be until later. In the meantime, Trump sent the boys out of the Boardroom, which meant Lee could once again ingratiate himself like the Grade A kiss-ass we know him to be. "I'm up for the challenge, Mr. Trump," he said, just before walking out the door. God, SHUT UP!
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