"Dear Martha, Good Show... Corny Ending" - 
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I have a confession to make: I went into the new The Apprentice: Martha Stewart with lower expectations than most. I'm not a Martha hater but after the last season of Trump's Apprentice, I had soured on the show and its concept. Now that I've seen the premiere of Martha's version, I can happily admit I was wrong. I really enjoyed the show - so much so that afterwards I celebrated by whipping up some fresh homemade cream sauce in honor of Martha. And then I cleaned up and went to the kitchen to cook something as well.
The show opened with a quick and dirty review of Martha's rise to the top from her humble beginnings. On one hand, dear Martha is to be admired for her work ethic and business acumen. On the other, she's a bit infamous for being a heavy-handed bitch - and let's not forget that she married rich which certainly helped her at the beginning of her ascent. Another proven tactic was displayed right off the bat; in her review of her life, Martha bragged (rightfully) that she had become one of the most "prestigious and well known brands." Except in Martha-speak, the second syllable of "prestigious" is a short, clipped 'i' vowel sound, rather than the long 'e' sound we all say. As ever, she's not incorrect in her ways, just better than you. (She also says "herbs" without making the 'h' silent. I love that - and I'll watch the whole season hoping to hear it on her Apprentice.)
Martha went on to mention her 1997 contract with Kmart (hardly prestigious or "presteegious") and how she borrowed 85 million dollars to buy back her own name brand and magazine. At this she stated, "I then became the first self-made billionaire woman in the world, and that felt really good." No doubt - now how do I go about borrowing 85 mill? Is there a form to fill out online? Martha did mention her prison term, referred to herself in the 3rd person, and even had a phony little "important phone call from important place" vignette a la The Donald himself. At that, a silly platitude about first impressions being important, I pumped my fist and knew that Mark Burnett was treating this show as I'd hoped. That is, fully acknowledging the original with a playful nod towards some of its quirks.
Now fully versed on Marthistory, we rode along with Martha in her Lincoln Navigator through the streets of Manhattan on her way to work. "Dear Martha, Not only are gigantor SUV's economically and socially out of favor, but they are completely impractical for your commute into the city. Cordially, sg-dub." She parked and strode through the Martha Stewart Living offices while she narrated the rules and differences of her Apprentice. Essentially, Martha's looking for a "team player because that's the way we work here." She demonstrated the happy Living office attitude by stopping by some cubicles and pretending to make editorial decisions on the fly. "I love that, don't you? Except the logo is too small!" She cheerily made her way to her office and we were treated to her second special Martha pronunciation: "Candidates." But not "candidits" like we lowlifes say, but rather, "Candid-dates" like "Candid Camera" and, "Dates." Again, nothing wrong with that, per se, but god, it takes such effort to talk like that. And that's why we love Martha.
Every Rose Has a Thorn
The candiDATES trickled into the lobby and were greeted by Martha's Robin, an equally pretty and smiley woman named Julia. Now, finally, the show would begin in earnest. If you weren't excited by this point, the sped-up Eurythmics "Sweet Dreams" opening montage certainly did it for you. Not sure why that song was sped up, but it definitely was and I liked it. "Dear Martha, it's the little things, isn't it? Cordially, sg-dub." The candiDATES were quickly introduced and I was immediately struck by Carrie's 1987 Poison video teased up, blown out, and hair sprayed blond hair. I immediately disliked her - hey, Martha said that first impressions were very important, right? Also, this show has a guy named Howie! And he's handsome! No word yet on if he considers himself a Jedi or if he loves boobies or not, though. [Editor's note: That was a Big Brother 6 reference so if you didn't watch it or read the recaps, that made no sense. Also, if you didn't watch it or read the recaps, you missed out - big time.]
Martha greeted the candiDATES and brought them into the conference room - Martha's boardroom, if you will. I was struck by the decorating differences between Trump and Martha. Whereas Trump is Country Club meets Restoration Hardware meets a shitload of money, Martha's set was Space Station meets Dwell Magazine meets a shitload of money. And, for the record, I really liked it. (I'm a subscriber to Dwell since the premiere issue. Just thought I'd give you some insight into my oh-so secret personal life.) In the conference room, Martha introduced her two assistants, the younger woman and the older man. See, I liked that. "Dear Martha, I really like how you sort of pay homage to Trump's show with stuff like this, but it seemed to me that you had your tongue in your perfectly rosy cheek about it too. Cordially, sg-dub." The younger woman was Alexis Stewart, Martha's lesbian daughter. What? She's not gay? Actually, I knew that but since someone would have made that comment on this blog, I thought I'd get it out of the way up front. For the record, she looks like Olympic swimmer Dara Torres - which is certainly not an insult.
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